- Aug 16, 2017
- 25
- 18
It shows promise so far. Just a few thoughts:
1. If you show a portrait next to the dialog it should be of the speaker, else it is a bit confusing.
2. If two or more characters interact don't have them facing towards the camera, show them interacting. It is a visual medium after all, show don't tell.
For instance, when Lily and Claire get naked together the first time. We are told they are interacting, but they are interacting with the camera, not each other. And when Lily shows her butt to to Claire, her butt is pointing completely away from Claire and Claire is not even looking.
Also the preceding sentence "I turn my butt toward..." is also unnecessary if you show Lily showing her butt to Claire.
If you want to show Lily showing her butt to Claire, but also show Lily's butt to the player, you could have Lily turn her butt to Claire, but then have a cut to show Lily's butt and then back to Lily and Claire interacting.
1. If you show a portrait next to the dialog it should be of the speaker, else it is a bit confusing.
2. If two or more characters interact don't have them facing towards the camera, show them interacting. It is a visual medium after all, show don't tell.
For instance, when Lily and Claire get naked together the first time. We are told they are interacting, but they are interacting with the camera, not each other. And when Lily shows her butt to to Claire, her butt is pointing completely away from Claire and Claire is not even looking.
Also the preceding sentence "I turn my butt toward..." is also unnecessary if you show Lily showing her butt to Claire.
If you want to show Lily showing her butt to Claire, but also show Lily's butt to the player, you could have Lily turn her butt to Claire, but then have a cut to show Lily's butt and then back to Lily and Claire interacting.