Person_With_Pencil
It's actually quite difficult to judge your work. You'd have to play both versions next to each other at the same time to see the difference.
Crazy thought: If you release a test version with the original dialogue and the new dialogue above each other on different lines, then we could REALLY give easy/thorough feedback.
I, for one, am interested in seeing the rewrite, because texts along the line of 'I think the Father Davie is having drinks with his buddies' is just 100% terrible.
I've actually created a Thread in the Mods section for this Re-Write which includes some screenshots of the dialogue in question as examples, and ofc the script file for those interested in downloading and sampling it. (The thread is still currently awaiting approval by an Admin?)
It's quite difficult to really give the full picture of just how much of a change has been made overall, but I think the images at least convey the general idea. The MC is livelier and more humorous overall and each of the characters are still themselves I'd like to think, just dialled up a few more levels in terms of vocabulary and personality.
I think the original writing served well in some area's but just wasn't saying much in others and I saw the potential for some far more interesting and fun interactions than the original VN script was giving us.
Once the Mod Thread is approved and goes public I'll reference it here and link it for you and others to check out !
Thanks for the responding and giving feedback, it's honestly always appreciated! Oh! And as I come across strange dialogue like the example you made, it will definitely be squashed haha.