- May 20, 2022
- 16
- 47
I like the premise a lot, and this feels like a good start. Since you asked for feedback, I've got some suggestions that might help.
I like the writing and story you're creating, but you're doing a lot of telling without showing. This is more of an issue in the first half, but there's a lot of exposition dumped on us with little variance in what we're seeing. I know you have a lot to explain to get us into the world, but it felt like too much at times. Like the very technical explanation of the MC developing Qai felt like a bit of a slog.
Another thing that's not helping that situation is the punctuation. You're clearly a skilled writer, but your writing is missing a lot of commas. There's quite a few run-on sentences too. I'd recommend putting your writing through a program like Grammarly to help you out. This works really well in a situation like yours, where the base writing is good, it just needs punctuation added and sentences broken up.
Third, there is definite lack of emotions shown on the MC's face. He looks like he's blankly glaring the majority of the time, which makes him come across as a sociopath. This makes it hard to connect with the MC as a player. Dude is about to eat out his girlfriend and he looks like he's about to murder her.
Try to give him more emotion. I think I only saw him smile a single time, and that was when he an NPC at the pool photo shoot. You're probably going to need to do more than just move his mouth too, like emote with his eyes/eyebrows as well, because this model has a massive case of resting bitch face.
Something I think would also benefit your game, would be adding a little more sex/nudity at the start to hook people into reading all the exposition. People have short attention spans and this may be your only opportunity to hook people into your story. If I were you, I'd add some sort of small sexy scene in the cyberpunk world to grab people's interest. Like something with the cyberpunk Natalie, or even the MC watching Sara briefly strip in the club while he waits for his meeting. It doesn't have to be a full sex scene, just a nice primer for what's to come. At the end of the day, this is an adult VN and you gotta give us enough sex and nudity to commit to reading all the story.
Currently, the first "sex scene" with Natalie was also disappointing. I know it's supposed to be disappointing for the MC, since she abruptly ends things, but we barely get to see anything. The MC doesn't even take off Natalie's bra in that scene. I know you're trying to use that as a way to tell us that she's shy around sex, but it didn't feel necessary. Natalie is, in my opinion, your best looking LI, and hiding her boobs from us in that scene was a bit of a let down. There's no reason the MC couldn't take it off of her, while she shyly covers herself at first, then stops as she gets more into it. That would get the same point across, and it would give you a reason to bring up the exposition of her being shy, instead of just telling us that's the case.
Another thing, that may just be aesthetic you're going for, is the lighting. Scenes felt a little darker than they needed to be. I would lighten them up more, especially anything sex-related.
Those are all changes that would obviously take some time to implement, but here are a few small ones that I think would really help your game in the short term:
First, you should put a better description for the game on this site. If you really want to use the mysterious one as the main description, then add a more typical synopsis in a spoiler just below it. Currently, it tells us almost nothing about the game, which is terrible for hooking people into trying it out. You've got a good game here, but a lot of people wont try it unless they know what they're getting into. I almost passed on if for this very reason.
Second, you should really put out an incest patch to fix the text referring to Sara and Mol as roommates. I know you said you're new to this, but it would be pretty easy, since your game is already set up for it. Incest is a great selling point, and people hate reading the roommate/tenant/friend workarounds.
Third, I'm sure you know this already, but you should put some music in your game. Fitting music helps immensely.
I wouldn't hold off on putting those changes in for too long. Devs often assume people are more forgiving about the little things, than they really are. You often only have one chance to capture someones interest, before they mentally write the game off forever and ignore future releases.
Lastly, (and it may be too late) it's good to be explicitly clear any time you mention NTR on this site. Seems like you may be new here, but it's a very sensitive topic. Saying anything vague about NTR possibly being in the game will get so many people's panties in a bunch, that it'll be the only thing discussed on this thread. I may be slightly biased as I'm not into NTR, but if I were a dev, I wouldn't even touch NTR at all in my game. The majority of people aren't into it, and it's such a turn off for some people on here that they'll never even try your game, even if it's avoidable.
Despite all these notes, I did really enjoy your game and I think the story is compelling. I think you've got something good here and I'm excited to see where things go.
I like the writing and story you're creating, but you're doing a lot of telling without showing. This is more of an issue in the first half, but there's a lot of exposition dumped on us with little variance in what we're seeing. I know you have a lot to explain to get us into the world, but it felt like too much at times. Like the very technical explanation of the MC developing Qai felt like a bit of a slog.
Another thing that's not helping that situation is the punctuation. You're clearly a skilled writer, but your writing is missing a lot of commas. There's quite a few run-on sentences too. I'd recommend putting your writing through a program like Grammarly to help you out. This works really well in a situation like yours, where the base writing is good, it just needs punctuation added and sentences broken up.
Third, there is definite lack of emotions shown on the MC's face. He looks like he's blankly glaring the majority of the time, which makes him come across as a sociopath. This makes it hard to connect with the MC as a player. Dude is about to eat out his girlfriend and he looks like he's about to murder her.
Try to give him more emotion. I think I only saw him smile a single time, and that was when he an NPC at the pool photo shoot. You're probably going to need to do more than just move his mouth too, like emote with his eyes/eyebrows as well, because this model has a massive case of resting bitch face.
Something I think would also benefit your game, would be adding a little more sex/nudity at the start to hook people into reading all the exposition. People have short attention spans and this may be your only opportunity to hook people into your story. If I were you, I'd add some sort of small sexy scene in the cyberpunk world to grab people's interest. Like something with the cyberpunk Natalie, or even the MC watching Sara briefly strip in the club while he waits for his meeting. It doesn't have to be a full sex scene, just a nice primer for what's to come. At the end of the day, this is an adult VN and you gotta give us enough sex and nudity to commit to reading all the story.
Currently, the first "sex scene" with Natalie was also disappointing. I know it's supposed to be disappointing for the MC, since she abruptly ends things, but we barely get to see anything. The MC doesn't even take off Natalie's bra in that scene. I know you're trying to use that as a way to tell us that she's shy around sex, but it didn't feel necessary. Natalie is, in my opinion, your best looking LI, and hiding her boobs from us in that scene was a bit of a let down. There's no reason the MC couldn't take it off of her, while she shyly covers herself at first, then stops as she gets more into it. That would get the same point across, and it would give you a reason to bring up the exposition of her being shy, instead of just telling us that's the case.
Another thing, that may just be aesthetic you're going for, is the lighting. Scenes felt a little darker than they needed to be. I would lighten them up more, especially anything sex-related.
Those are all changes that would obviously take some time to implement, but here are a few small ones that I think would really help your game in the short term:
First, you should put a better description for the game on this site. If you really want to use the mysterious one as the main description, then add a more typical synopsis in a spoiler just below it. Currently, it tells us almost nothing about the game, which is terrible for hooking people into trying it out. You've got a good game here, but a lot of people wont try it unless they know what they're getting into. I almost passed on if for this very reason.
Second, you should really put out an incest patch to fix the text referring to Sara and Mol as roommates. I know you said you're new to this, but it would be pretty easy, since your game is already set up for it. Incest is a great selling point, and people hate reading the roommate/tenant/friend workarounds.
Third, I'm sure you know this already, but you should put some music in your game. Fitting music helps immensely.
I wouldn't hold off on putting those changes in for too long. Devs often assume people are more forgiving about the little things, than they really are. You often only have one chance to capture someones interest, before they mentally write the game off forever and ignore future releases.
Lastly, (and it may be too late) it's good to be explicitly clear any time you mention NTR on this site. Seems like you may be new here, but it's a very sensitive topic. Saying anything vague about NTR possibly being in the game will get so many people's panties in a bunch, that it'll be the only thing discussed on this thread. I may be slightly biased as I'm not into NTR, but if I were a dev, I wouldn't even touch NTR at all in my game. The majority of people aren't into it, and it's such a turn off for some people on here that they'll never even try your game, even if it's avoidable.
Despite all these notes, I did really enjoy your game and I think the story is compelling. I think you've got something good here and I'm excited to see where things go.