Sure thing. The main issue I've found is that though the dialogue is usually
understandable, it doesn't read at all like something someone would actually
say.
This is everything I've noticed didn't flow well from the start of the game to the point where you eavesdrop on Don and Olivia's conversation about the letter (spelling errors are kept as is), as well as example changes that- to me, at least- improve the flow of dialogue:
On their own, these little problems aren't the worst things in the world, but they add up- and if the rest of the game continues in the same vein, I'd be tearing my hair out after every three boxes of dialogue.
Again, I don't presume to tell you how to make your game. I'm not the writer and I'm not the proofreader. I just think that with some polish- more generous use of contractions, matching dialogue to the character's current mood, cleaner punctuation, and so on- the writing could really shine.
Regardless of what you make of this, I hope things work out for you guys whether I'm playing the game or not.
