Dev has posted a farewell post
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Honestly, I don't even know where to begin...
The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, but the last few days have been insane, especially when it comes to anxiety. For days and weeks, I've been thinking that the change of season is what's keeping my head from working correctly, I even thought I had the flu (maybe I just have a small cold), but... no, it's none of that.
I don't want to drag this out, so I'll get straight to the point: as of today, I will be stepping down as a Dev and will stop actively developing any of my projects. Yes, you read that right; I am announcing my complete retirement.
The reason? There are too many, and it would make for an extremely long post to combine them with what I've mentioned in the past. The only thing I can say is that since I had the car accident in late 2023, nothing has been the same for me... Not only that, but during that year, something inevitable happened that I never knew how to handle: my passion became just another job. That's when I messed up, because not only did my vision change, but I became obsessed with trying to become a "top dev" at any cost, and I've been paying that price for the following years without even managing to surpass the income I had generated before this obsession... In other words, I wasn't getting any closer to the top, and I was moving further away from my vision. It was a senseless path that led me to my own ruin, a hellish, poisonous loop.
This is a very demanding, complicated, and volatile job, especially for people like me who struggle to separate their work from their personal life, who know all too well how hard it is to earn money in real life, and who therefore live under enormous pressure that, while invisible, is completely palpable. And a long etcetera of reasons that have triggered a series of physical and mental problems in these last years of my life.
That is why, in my last session with my physio, who assures me that my cervical rehabilitation from the car accident is in its final stages, he strongly insists that I should treat the other side of the problem: my mind. He insists that, although it needs to be diagnosed by a professional (a psychologist), whom I will contact next week to schedule an appointment, he believes what I have is some kind of cerebral hypersensitivity to I-don't-know-what (I zoned out for a second when he was explaining it because I couldn't accept that my problem isn't just physical) due to the extreme stress and anxiety I live with daily, along with a possible depression I've been trying to deny for a couple of years. And this causes all my physical and nervous system symptoms to be amplified x5. Yes, maybe I should have seen a professional years ago, but sometimes that's just how these things go; you never want to admit you have a serious problem until something fkced up happens...
So... this is my farewell. Is it forever? I don't have a clear answer for that at the moment. My mind is desperately trying to cling to the slightest hope to keep going and not abandon what has cost me so much to build, but the price I'm paying... it could literally cost me my own life at this rate. In the past, it has already cost me friendships and family relationships that I am still trying to mend. I think it's time to put a stop to it, once and for all.
For the moment, my plan is to stay completely away from the whole Dev slash content creator world, focusing on rebuilding my life and, above all, healing my body and soul for as long as I need. So, I am certainly not putting off seeing a psychologist for another day, as I need a professional to teach me how to manage everything I haven't been able to learn on my own all these years. Only then, will I decide whether to try to come back as a Dev, or simply find another job and close this chapter of my life.
I am truly sorry, and I wish the situation were different, but my body is on high alert and constantly giving me signals that something is wrong. So, for once, I need to listen to myself and act accordingly, in a way that will be sustainable in the long term.
This is a very painful process for me, as I never imagined having to abandon the universe we've built together, but honestly, with the complicated year I've had... I think I subconsciously knew this would eventually happen. And no, it's not just because I started the project from scratch, as I still firmly believe that was necessary. It's actually due to other factors that have been consuming me for years, as I mentioned at the beginning. I don't do this as a hobby, even though it started from passion, so at the end of the day, money is unfortunately what matters to stay motivated. The moment money interfered with my vision was my own undoing, as the obsession with having a constant income became the focal point of my work... but that's how this works, I can't live off of likes and people's goodwill; we all know this. Perhaps my execution wasn't the best; that's something I'd like to learn to improve and handle, as it can be applied to any area of life.
I thank from the bottom of my heart all of you who have been here all these years, and I especially thank everyone who gave me the opportunity and trusted me to make the LA universe exist and grow over these years.
I don't have much more to say... only to wish you all the best in case we never see each other again.
IMPORTANT: At the end of the month, I will pause payments on Patreon for one month. After that pause period ends, I will hide/unpublish my Patreon page to "disappear completely." I am doing this because Patreon does not allow for an indefinite suspension of payments while keeping the page visible, so I will hide it directly in case I decide to try again after my rehabilitation. Although, as I say, there is no real and honest answer for that right now.
Additionally, a similar situation will occur on Itch, where I will hide all my projects, but not my profile, as that's not possible (I think).
The keisiestudio website will remain operational, but only this post will be accessible.
On Twitter, I will be closing my DMs and also making my profile private.
On Discord, the chat is really only for patrons, but I will disable it.
I will take a look at my other social media accounts, but it's likely I will just restrict them and that's it.
I apologise for not providing a way to contact me, and I know it might seem unfair, but allowing contact would mean discussing what happened, and that's precisely what I want to avoid right now.
Again, thank you for all these years together. I sincerely hope you all do well, and I hope our paths cross again someday.