VN Ren'Py Move the Chains [v0.3.5] [MissFortune]

[zeph19]

Tried this for the first time. It seems that sports-avns are on the comeup recently, and this one is definitely one of the best, although it is at the same time worthy of lots of critique, I feel.

First things first, the good:
- The characters are obviously beautiful and I love the black / yellow theme.
- I don't know what you call it, but I appreciate the yellow words that I can click and get an explanation, because as a European I have no fucking clue what's going on with college sports. Feel like I learned something.
- The characters and lots of assets are original. Thinking about the three main girls so far, although Laura isn't part of the LI-circle, I think I haven't seen the models used yet.
- The music is great
- Haven't found any big problems with how the game runs or the interface or the grammar/spelling. At least I have no gripes with any of those things, even if they might be there if I were to actively look for them.
- The tattoo chick is fucking hot, just want to point this out right here.
- So is Yuna.

Now, the things I personally feel need improvement:
- The game is full of tropes that remind me of a teen drama series. MC and his "sister" have this deep, spiritual connection and somehow they are unable to talk to each other like normal people just to keep the drama alive.
- I think at some point I was really just overwhelmed with all the NIL meetings and wished for some normal human interactions instead of getting bombarded with new faces and business propositions. It felt like we were rushing through all those deals so we could get them out of the way and just have the MC become a millionaire over night so they don't have to worry about money anymore.
- Every shady dude uses the word <removed>, seems forced.
- A lot of "current things" in there. I didn't feel like I was getting lectured, but I play games to get away from all that nonsense.

All these things aren't that bad really. It's really fucking difficult to write a story without tropes or some parallels to real world issues, I get that.

My biggest problem is probably with the MC, who just doesn't make sense to me.

- Being "dense" is just a very boring way to extend drama. He's proven to be very perceptive, so this feels like lazy writing to solve the drama between MC and his sister in ch. 3, 4, 5 or so because her love for him would get in the way of the current storytelling.
- Who runs after a guy with a gun, after the guy proved he is willing to pull the trigger? No one was in danger. MC has everything to lose. Going overboard to make him a badass made him more of an idiot here.
- He's an unlikable cunt right now and I wonder why people put up with him. He's complimented on his play in an earlier season and retorts with a "yeah want me to embarrass you again?"
- He just got out of jail, has a big monologue about how he was granted this chance and wants to make use of it and then gets himself almost killed and threatens multiple people in a matter of days. Is he retarded or smart? I can't tell.

While this list is pretty long, I have to stretch that I really enjoyed this playthrough. It was chunky and coherent, despite it only being version 0.2. Great potential!

 

[MissFortune]

zeph19 I'm glad you enjoyed it, or at least a lot of it. Everything's a work in progress, and not everything is going to perfect off the bat. I do appreciate the detail you went into. Some of it is intentional, some of it felt right when I was writing it, and some of it is actively being touched up already. I add some notes to your negative points, and some reasoning behind them.

Spoiler

You don't have permission to view the spoiler content. Log in or register now.

I don't expect everyone to agree with or like what's in the game. It's all highly subjective. And I'm totally for someone respectfully disagreeing with them/some of them (which can be a rarity in these game threads). The criticism and the good, when put like this, are appreciated all the same.

 

[zeph19]

I don't expect everyone to agree with or like what's in the game. It's all highly subjective. And I'm totally for someone respectfully disagreeing with them/some of them (which can be a rarity in these game threads). The criticism and the good, when put like this, are appreciated all the same.

Hey, I appreciate the beefy reply. Seeing things from your perspective, I understand why things were written the way they were and I'm looking forward to the MC's development.

I think some aspects I have a gripe with come with the cultural difference and aren't necessarily bad. Maybe calling the MC retarded was a bit much.

It's a great project, keep at it!

 

[shamtiiomi]

zeph19 I'm glad you enjoyed it, or at least a lot of it. Everything's a work in progress, and not everything is going to perfect off the bat. I do appreciate the detail you went into. Some of it is intentional, some of it felt right when I was writing it, and some of it is actively being touched up already. I add some notes to your negative points, and some reasoning behind them.

Spoiler

You don't have permission to view the spoiler content. Log in or register now.

I don't expect everyone to agree with or like what's in the game. It's all highly subjective. And I'm totally for someone respectfully disagreeing with them/some of them (which can be a rarity in these game threads). The criticism and the good, when put like this, are appreciated all the same.

i dont think he is a douchebag bcs he wants,i think the top athletes are all kind of assholes at some point like in any other profesional work ,the best of all are kind of like that,arrogance is part of the character in almost everyone even those who lack skills or talent,or both,but more in those who knows they are good and they need the fell to show off,and im totally can understand that ,is not unmoral to being arrogant or being a hunble person,is part of who we are,and sometimes is part of our charm,those who talk about being a complete asshole or a douchebag , they are lacking the backstory and the need to understand that,this vn isnt for everyone ,like any other vn has flaws and virtues,but is a good one [a very good one]for me is one of my top 5 in site right now,but im talking about the story and the mc.....i like those 2....but im pretty bummed about the models of the girls ,they dont do nothing for me,only 1 or 2 in 10 or 12 i saw are nice to think about,but have almsot the same body types are not doing much.i love curves,and whn i talk about curves im talking about asses ,tits and hipes,doesnt matter if is irl or in a game skinny girls dont bring nothing to my table,and no before dev tell me that they arent skinny ,well they are from my point of view ,and im totally fine with that bcs i can chosse to not have any kind of relationship with them,like i planning to do ,one save for all one save for only what i like ,and i think is like any other fan right here ,we do something bcs is an harem game but we do another with only ours choices ,and i pleased to see the dev is totally fine with that,and dont take that part of the game from us.
so yeah im ok withe mc being a asshole,and im ok with the storypace and writing,and sometimes thats what matters most sometimes we want a fast fap and thats it ,but from this one here MissFortuneyou have plenty of time to rework redone change or not but only if you want not bcs someone have a say in it,pls dont fall trap of that kind of patrons,.
i really loved WWJK and i hope you continue this one in the future ,and i will prefer 100 times over the kind of models u use in that one from move the chains,...i really hope you take this like a consturctive critic and also a complment to your hard work bcs like i say is in my top 5best writing avn in the forum.....good job

 

[pavan23559]

zeph19 I'm glad you enjoyed it, or at least a lot of it. Everything's a work in progress, and not everything is going to perfect off the bat. I do appreciate the detail you went into. Some of it is intentional, some of it felt right when I was writing it, and some of it is actively being touched up already. I add some notes to your negative points, and some reasoning behind them.

Spoiler

You don't have permission to view the spoiler content. Log in or register now.

I don't expect everyone to agree with or like what's in the game. It's all highly subjective. And I'm totally for someone respectfully disagreeing with them/some of them (which can be a rarity in these game threads). The criticism and the good, when put like this, are appreciated all the same.

I do have the same issues. as this. But this game is so well done. It's just, I kinda love Diana. I always hated even mentioning of an LI's past sexual relationships. But I kinda grew from that phase. Everyone has a past. It's just, there was a flashback, of dwight being verbally abusive about D, but she mentions they were fuck buddies. This made me a bit sad, but it is kinda realistic too. It's not like mc is some prude too lmao.. if he's fucking around, why shouldn't any LI.? But why dwight.? that guy.??? You already mentioned, her character and plot goes much deeper. And I'm here for it all. MC x D. all the way. I only want to play single LI, but if there's a possibility of harem with love too.. why the hell now. So, would she be angry if it's a harem.?

 

[PickerLewd]

If you have the iPatch installed, I don't know if the game will still consider Diana a love interest. It will certainly cause a lot of trouble for the poor mother, who seems to be a very good person, but is very long-suffering .

 

[Ysmirmyster]

I do have the same issues. as this. But this game is so well done. It's just, I kinda love Diana. I always hated even mentioning of an LI's past sexual relationships. But I kinda grew from that phase. Everyone has a past. It's just, there was a flashback, of dwight being verbally abusive about D, but she mentions they were fuck buddies. This made me a bit sad, but it is kinda realistic too. It's not like mc is some prude too lmao.. if he's fucking around, why shouldn't any LI.? But why dwight.? that guy.??? You already mentioned, her character and plot goes much deeper. And I'm here for it all. MC x D. all the way. I only want to play single LI, but if there's a possibility of harem with love too.. why the hell now. So, would she be angry if it's a harem.?

Diana was never his "fuck buddy" her roommate is, so you can rest easy.

 

[wiseold6996]

I do have the same issues. as this. But this game is so well done. It's just, I kinda love Diana. I always hated even mentioning of an LI's past sexual relationships. But I kinda grew from that phase. Everyone has a past. It's just, there was a flashback, of dwight being verbally abusive about D, but she mentions they were fuck buddies. This made me a bit sad, but it is kinda realistic too. It's not like mc is some prude too lmao.. if he's fucking around, why shouldn't any LI.? But why dwight.? that guy.??? You already mentioned, her character and plot goes much deeper. And I'm here for it all. MC x D. all the way. I only want to play single LI, but if there's a possibility of harem with love too.. why the hell now. So, would she be angry if it's a harem.?

??? Diana is not fucking around lmao

 

[Tumai]

Is the last animated gallery bugged? I assume it was the scene with the tattoo artist(s) as it's the H-Scene that's missing. Played through it still locked.

Two other things RQ.
1.Every significant character (male or female) has a sob story. While it's in keeping with the tone of the VN, it can get exhausting. Can we have someone not damaged? Maybe give Parker two good parents, no drug addiction, never been to jail, grew up in a nice neighborhood, never been exploited by an ex or agent..you know, normal

2. What do you have against Brittany Mahomes? When you refer to IRL people in the game (eg. Deion Sanders) it's usually complimentary, so was a bit surprised when seemingly out of nowhere you completely trashed her (funny as hell though).

 

[MissFortune]

Is the last animated gallery bugged? I assume it was the scene with the tattoo artist(s) as it's the H-Scene that's missing. Played through it still locked.

Two other things RQ.
1.Every significant character (male or female) has a sob story. While it's in keeping with the tone of the VN, it can get exhausting. Can we have someone not damaged? Maybe give Parker two good parents, no drug addiction, never been to jail, grew up in a nice neighborhood, never been exploited by an ex or agent..you know, normal

2. What do you have against Brittany Mahomes? When you refer to IRL people in the game (eg. Deion Sanders) it's usually complimentary, so was a bit surprised when seemingly out of nowhere you completely trashed her (funny as hell though).

I'm pretty sure it is. Think it got mixed up in one of the if/else statements. I'll add the unlocked at the beginning of episode 3.

1. I like to think a lot of the main cast is fairly normal. Especially as you get to know them better in the coming updates. Everyone's a little broken somewhere, to varying extents. Just as everyone has their flaws. I feel like it's a big part of making characters feel human. A perfect girl with a perfect family with a perfect childhood without any conflicts just feels sort of like lazy, surface writing. People can still have a past/issues and not be broken. But I do see where you're coming from. Hopefully a little patience will start showing that.

2. No real reason. Just don't find her to be a very good person. That whole champagne fiasco and how she handled it afterward was just one example. Which sucks, because Mahomes seems like a pretty good guy. Jackson isn't off the table, either.

 

[LM10PRIME]

Where can I find the playlist of the tracks used in game?
They are pretty good

 

[TheOGVNLover]

The stuff that is said about Patrick Mahomes' wife is pretty ridiculous. They were together literally since middle school and she is an awesome wife and a huge supporter of her husband. Throwing comments in there like that make it seem like dev knows nothing about football personalities and is trying too hard to act like they do. That is my only complaint though, the game is great. I do wish MC would be nicer to Diana though.

 

[wiseold6996]

The stuff that is said about Patrick Mahomes' wife is pretty ridiculous. They were together literally since middle school and she is an awesome wife and a huge supporter of her husband. Throwing comments in there like that make it seem like dev knows nothing about football personalities and is trying too hard to act like they do. That is my only complaint though, the game is great. I do wish MC would be nicer to Diana though.

Damn childhood friend won

 

[TheOGVNLover]

Damn childhood friend won

One of the rare cases of it happening.

 

[Canto Forte]

Here it is .. why they ”won” - 10 years and a daughter later they actually married, counted from the time they actually started dating, which is growing outta their ”friend-zoned childhood friend” limbo such long friendships are portrayed both in the media and in movies, series or the games around here.

” On March 12, 2022, Patrick and Brittany finally said "I do" after 10 years of dating. The private ceremony was held in Maui, Hawaii. Brittany wore a Versace gown complete with an elaborate train while their 1-year-old daughter served as one of the flower girls”

What does not hurt at all is her being a Sports Illustrated Model of 2024 - if Patrick is not another cheating Tiger Woods asshole, they should be fine.

” The couple, who have been together since high school, share a daughter and son. Patrick Mahomes is a proud husband and father. Mahomas was by the side of his wife Brittany Mahomes as she celebrated being a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model at the 2024 issue release party on May 16, in New York City. ”

What do you have against Brittany Mahomes? When you refer to IRL people in the game (eg. Deion Sanders) it's usually complimentary, so was a bit surprised when seemingly out of nowhere you completely trashed her (funny as hell though).

Just don't find her to be a very good person. That whole champagne fiasco and how she handled it afterward was just one example. Which sucks, because Mahomes seems like a pretty good guy.

The stuff that is said about Patrick Mahomes' wife is pretty ridiculous. They were together literally since middle school and she is an awesome wife and a huge supporter of her husband. Throwing comments in there like that make it seem like dev knows nothing about football personalities and is trying too hard to act like they do. That is my only complaint though, the game is great. I do wish MC would be nicer to Diana though.

Damn childhood friend won

One of the rare cases of it happening.

Apart from the actual current truth of what the two project into the world, dumb blonde/bimbo -gold digging nude/bathing suits model jokes for the lot of us out here in the underworld are all fair game.

 

[MissFortune]

The stuff that is said about Patrick Mahomes' wife is pretty ridiculous. They were together literally since middle school and she is an awesome wife and a huge supporter of her husband. Throwing comments in there like that make it seem like dev knows nothing about football personalities and is trying too hard to act like they do. That is my only complaint though, the game is great. I do wish MC would be nicer to Diana though.

Light jabs aren't equal to not knowing anything. Sure, the gold digger stuff probably isn't true, but if she (or his brother) really cared about him and his image, she wouldn't act the way she does. None of his family should, but they go out of their way to embarrass the poor guy.

You must be registered to see the links

, any number of her tweets shitting on refs, news outlets, or other players, being banned from a hotel, tipping nothing to staff. I can keep going. That's not even getting into Jackson, who she's openly defended multiple times despite his antics. She's objectively (hence piss stain) a bad person. Irregardless of how supportive she is or isn't.

As for Diana, we're getting there. If the writing goes to plan, then should hash everything out (jealousy notwithstanding) early in Episode 4..

 

[LM10PRIME]

MissFortune can u pls give us the playlist of the tracks used in game?

 

[MissFortune]

MissFortune can u pls give us the playlist of the tracks used in game?

I'll upload something to YouTube sometime soon, at least most of it. Some of the license situations are kind of tricky. For now, you can find the songs in Extras > Extras (confusing, I know.) > Music. They are (mostly) ordered as they appear in-game.

 

[TheOGVNLover]

Light jabs aren't equal to not knowing anything. Sure, the gold digger stuff probably isn't true, but if she (or his brother) really cared about him and his image, she wouldn't act the way she does. None of his family should, but they go out of their way to embarrass the poor guy.

You must be registered to see the links

, any number of her tweets shitting on refs, news outlets, or other players, being banned from a hotel, tipping nothing to staff. I can keep going. That's not even getting into Jackson, who she's openly defended multiple times despite his antics. She's objectively (hence piss stain) a bad person. Irregardless of how supportive she is or isn't.

As for Diana, we're getting there. If the writing goes to plan, then should hash everything out (jealousy notwithstanding) early in Episode 4..

Kinda rough on Goff too, but I didn't care because fuck that guy

 

[LM10PRIME]

I'll upload something to YouTube sometime soon, at least most of it. Some of the license situations are kind of tricky. For now, you can find the songs in Extras > Extras (confusing, I know.) > Music. They are (mostly) ordered as they appear in-game.

Thank you