Alright, don't get discouraged or take it the wrong way. This needs a lot of work.
I'll mention the straightforward issues first.
- The first thing you can fix easily is the empty text box that you have to click every time you finish a sentence.
- Work on the MC's face changing so much from different angles. He looks fine when looking directly forward, but the side views tend to look like a different person. Asian MC is super rare and it's nice to see one.
- The sex scene is just a random animation with absolutely no buildup or finish. That just won't do. It needs to be integrated into the script. Sex dialogues would be nice, but at the very least, make a natural start and finish to the scene.
Now it gets more complicated. Not everything could be fixed just by knowing the problem. It takes skills which you might be lacking. The writing needs a lot of work. I was interested in the overview and the setting, but it was immediately shattered by subpar storytelling. You don't need to narrate mundane actions that are plainly visible in the visuals. Narration has 2 functions. 1) To embellish a scene or situation through flowery and descriptive language. 2) To give information that might otherwise be lost to the reader.
The way you write goes like this. You get up from the bed. *Click. You get dressed. *Click. You swim through the water. *Click. You go in through the window. *Click. So on and so forth. It's neither interesting to read nor is it informative.
Great narration is really hard to do. You need a writer's touch to really pull it off I think. For most of us, it would probably be better to stick to dialogues/thoughts for the bulk of the script. I'd wager that this type of writing comes more naturally to most people. However, the gritty sci-fi dystopian setting is one that really would benefit from great narration to set the atmosphere. If you want to stick to a narration heavy script, then my advice would be to condense the single line descriptions into a more general description in paragraph form, rather than going line by line narrating each action the MC is doing.
Other than the technicalities in the writing, the build was just too short to really comment on the plot elements.
Good luck man.
