VN Ren'Py NTR'ed by My Friend [v0.4.2] [NTR.ai]

[Maggot's]

I'm loving it so far. And the animations are good

 

[NTR.ai]

Mate you are talking out of your arse like some elitist moron. There are no "objective opinions" the same way that there is no objectively right way to write a story. What does exist is a manner of how authors of the genre usually write stories - conventions, habits, distinct features. And even then you would be hard-pressed to find an example of a story that does *not* mix genres or deviate in other smaller or larger ways. Obviously, the departure from conventions may not always result in something surpassing the original, but it is, in essence, what moves literature forward and makes things interesting.

In my eyes, what you want is akin to a cookie-cutter template with exceedingly little variation for no other reason than genre-related "purity". The reason I am saying this is precisely because you mentioned "the first penetration", which you claim is "perhaps the most important" - that, in and of itself, is a distinct stereotypical feature of the genre. However, there are absolutely no rules that specify how and where this has to take place. I, for one, enjoy the author's decision to go against the usual flow - that is nothing more than another opinion, though.

When it comes to the "believability": I agree that the scene needs some more descriptive elements that make the situation at least slightly more likely in the context of suspension of disbelief. As Jebulus so crudely put it a few posts above, there are quite a number of factors that make the FMC not noticing anything unbelievable. The solution would be to add more descriptive little tidbits that paint her condition in that moment in a way that makes it*more* likely, such as extreme sleepiness after waking up from a nap which causes her not to think much of the things that she notices are off with the situation. Maybe she also woke up from a wet dream, that would solve another issue regarding the logistics of it all.

Lastly, disregarding the immediate buildup, the scene itself is really good because it is rather unique. The whole "legs like a baby fawn due to overwhelming pleasure preventing her from getting up" combined with the accidental nature and early-corruption unwillingness of it is something I have only seen one other time, as far as I can remember (Hangover Cat). Granted, that particular work does not take itself very seriously, but in concept, I believe the author can make it work with some more plausible elaboration. At the end of the day, it will likely remain as a rather more unbelievable scene (relatively speaking), but that is not bad in itself. What counts is what the author makes of it in the following scenes - and from what I could see from 0.5, he handled it about as well as possible and did not blow too many "first times", if you know what I mean. One thing I will mention though is that it is unclear in the last few moments of that particular scene whether the penetration is still surface-level or if he goes deep - I would prefer the former as that would save one more "first time" for another scene, and they are handy resources to have when it comes to building tension, as others have mentioned.

Fkn hell, this was much more than I intended to write, but w/e, rant over.

Thank you for the rating and feedback.

If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear more about a few points you mentioned.

Regarding your suggestion to add more detail before the bathroom scene—I was aiming to show that the FMC is still half-asleep and just wants to finish quickly and go back to bed, while also being in a bit of shock from her dream. Do you have any thoughts on what I could add to make that portrayal more convincing?

As for the repetitive dialogue, I’ve already revised v0.5.0, so I’m curious if you’re also referring to the massage scene. If that’s the case, I’ll plan to update it in the next release.

Finally, I really appreciate your understanding of what I’ve been trying to create. Thanks again.

 

[ConspicuousChanneler]

Thank you for the rating and feedback.

If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear more about a few points you mentioned.

Regarding your suggestion to add more detail before the bathroom scene—I was aiming to show that the FMC is still half-asleep and just wants to finish quickly and go back to bed, while also being in a bit of shock from her dream. Do you have any thoughts on what I could add to make that portrayal more convincing?

As for the repetitive dialogue, I’ve already revised v0.5.0, so I’m curious if you’re also referring to the massage scene. If that’s the case, I’ll plan to update it in the next release.

Finally, I really appreciate your understanding of what I’ve been trying to create. Thanks again.

Well, lemme go through it one more time.

Right, so starting off, I misremembered (kind of, because of that other guy), but she does indeed wake up from a wet dream and, as such, that point I mentioned goes out the window. All's well here.

But when it comes to the "being half-asleep" part, she "throws the blanket off in a panic and swings her legs over the edge" doesn't really scream "sleepy" to me, as that implies adrenaline and quick movements.

The hallway lights being on goes against the idea of leaving the lights in the bathroom off (from the perspective of both Blake and Cristine), and it would likely shine some light into the bathroom - so I'd change that to increase "believability", as others have put it. But that also means her eyes should be used to the dark, which is an issue I am unsure how to fix, unfortunately. Maybe something like her turning on the lights in her room and then going into the dark hallway, where she now doesn't see much?

Then you continue with descriptive writing like "still drowsy, still flushed" and "steps in, half-asleep", which is good. But as Jebulus mentioned, there are other things that need to be addressed. While you roughly set the scene, there is nothing that indicates the presence of Blake, like sounds or touch, until it happens, except maybe the smell of the shower and soap, but that's too ambiguous imho. I would suggest she hears something, maybe rustling or something like light breathing or some-such, but is too preoccupied with thinking about her dream in her drowsy state. Maybe she could also smell something like Blakes cologne/deodorant, but think nothing of it.

That is the least I would expect, but you could also go a step further and have her briefly touch Blake in the dark - brush his leg or other parts - but fail to realise (and see, as mentioned in the previous point). This is risky and difficult to pull off believably though, so...

Moving on, Cristine not being able to stand up after sitting down on him because she is "clenched around it–too tight" isn't what I would go with here - I'd suggest leaning more into her losing the strength in her legs as well as an awkward position due to wanting to sit down on the toilet seat; after all, once u commit to sitting down somewhere, it isn't exactly easy to stop suddenly. The only thing stopping her from sitting down completely should be what little strength her legs can muster in her awkward position, imo - at the start, at least. Later, it's the pleasure, obviously.

Moving on to Blake, having him go "just chilling" and "happens" after all this is an issue as well, especially since you said you wanted to emphasise that neither of them actively wanted for this to happen quite yet. He is much too nonchalant. It's fine for Blake to see it coming, wonder what is happening, maybe even realise what is about to happen but not intervening (because, duh), and then being surprised at the sudden pleasure but quickly regaining composure, like "I was wondering what you were doing, I didn't think you had it in you", teasing her while knowing that it wasn't her intention.

This all would also better set up his "blackmail/deal" toward the end, if you want to call it that - he starts off (pleasantly) surprised and slowly takes advantage of the situation opportunistically.

When it comes to repetition, I remember the massage scene being worse than it is, though I'm on 0.5 rn, so you might have already fixed it as you said. You are definitely overusing "–", however, although you can argue that is a stylistic choice. And if you do, I would respect it, it really isn't that big of an issue, though some seem to connect it to ChatGPT-abuse, so for appearance's sake, you may want to use something else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I'll be honest here though, I know they serve a specific purpose (symbolising her fragmented thoughts/speech, interruptions as it were) and they are necessary, so I don't know what your options are. You also unnecessarily overuse them: "Up–down–up–down–" could be "Up, down, up, down–" for one, and "Nngh–!!" doesn't really need the dash if she isn't being interrupted – maybe a "~" instead? Some dashes could possibly be replaced by a group of dots also ("..."). The most egregious example of overuse is definitely the massage scene, though.

Lastly, and this is more of a personal note, the end of the bathroom scene seems unfinished. I don't know how much work it would be to make at least one more animation (or at least a series of images), but it would serve to tie in the still frames a bit better: After she rejects Blakes initial proposal of the morning bj and it says "She shifts instinctively, trying to pull away again", it would be nice if we could have a small animation of her slowly lifting herself only to fall back down, which is where the still frames would take over. Obviously, another animation for the thrusts would be ideal, but not strictly necessary I think. If you were to go with this, I'd advise you to make sure Blake doesn't go too deep, as that would eliminate another "first time", as previously mentioned. As it is now, there is a disconnect between the visuals and the writing (and possibly even the sound). Skimping here noticeably detracts from the overall quality, I believe.

 

[NTR.ai]

Well, lemme go through it one more time.

Right, so starting off, I misremembered (kind of, because of that other guy), but she does indeed wake up from a wet dream and, as such, that point I mentioned goes out the window. All's well here.

But when it comes to the "being half-asleep" part, she "throws the blanket off in a panic and swings her legs over the edge" doesn't really scream "sleepy" to me, as that implies adrenaline and quick movements.

The hallway lights being on goes against the idea of leaving the lights in the bathroom off (from the perspective of both Blake and Cristine), and it would likely shine some light into the bathroom - so I'd change that to increase "believability", as others have put it. But that also means her eyes should be used to the dark, which is an issue I am unsure how to fix, unfortunately. Maybe something like her turning on the lights in her room and then going into the dark hallway, where she now doesn't see much?

Then you continue with descriptive writing like "still drowsy, still flushed" and "steps in, half-asleep", which is good. But as Jebulus mentioned, there are other things that need to be addressed. While you roughly set the scene, there is nothing that indicates the presence of Blake, like sounds or touch, until it happens, except maybe the smell of the shower and soap, but that's too ambiguous imho. I would suggest she hears something, maybe rustling or something like light breathing or some-such, but is too preoccupied with thinking about her dream in her drowsy state. Maybe she could also smell something like Blakes cologne/deodorant, but think nothing of it.

That is the least I would expect, but you could also go a step further and have her briefly touch Blake in the dark - brush his leg or other parts - but fail to realise (and see, as mentioned in the previous point). This is risky and difficult to pull off believably though, so...

Moving on, Cristine not being able to stand up after sitting down on him because she is "clenched around it–too tight" isn't what I would go with here - I'd suggest leaning more into her losing the strength in her legs as well as an awkward position due to wanting to sit down on the toilet seat; after all, once u commit to sitting down somewhere, it isn't exactly easy to stop suddenly. The only thing stopping her from sitting down completely should be what little strength her legs can muster in her awkward position, imo - at the start, at least. Later, it's the pleasure, obviously.

Moving on to Blake, having him go "just chilling" and "happens" after all this is an issue as well, especially since you said you wanted to emphasise that neither of them actively wanted for this to happen quite yet. He is much too nonchalant. It's fine for Blake to see it coming, wonder what is happening, maybe even realise what is about to happen but not intervening (because, duh), and then being surprised at the sudden pleasure but quickly regaining composure, like "I was wondering what you were doing, I didn't think you had it in you", teasing her while knowing that it wasn't her intention.

This all would also better set up his "blackmail/deal" toward the end, if you want to call it that - he starts off (pleasantly) surprised and slowly takes advantage of the situation opportunistically.

When it comes to repetition, I remember the massage scene being worse than it is, though I'm on 0.5 rn, so you might have already fixed it as you said. You are definitely overusing "–", however, although you can argue that is a stylistic choice. And if you do, I would respect it, it really isn't that big of an issue, though some seem to connect it to ChatGPT-abuse, so for appearance's sake, you may want to use something else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I'll be honest here though, I know they serve a specific purpose (symbolising her fragmented thoughts/speech, interruptions as it were) and they are necessary, so I don't know what your options are. You also unnecessarily overuse them: "Up–down–up–down–" could be "Up, down, up, down–" for one, and "Nngh–!!" doesn't really need the dash if she isn't being interrupted – maybe a "~" instead? Some dashes could possibly be replaced by a group of dots also ("..."). The most egregious example of overuse is definitely the massage scene, though.

Lastly, and this is more of a personal note, the end of the bathroom scene seems unfinished. I don't know how much work it would be to make at least one more animation (or at least a series of images), but it would serve to tie in the still frames a bit better: After she rejects Blakes initial proposal of the morning bj and it says "She shifts instinctively, trying to pull away again", it would be nice if we could have a small animation of her slowly lifting herself only to fall back down, which is where the still frames would take over. Obviously, another animation for the thrusts would be ideal, but not strictly necessary I think. If you were to go with this, I'd advise you to make sure Blake doesn't go too deep, as that would eliminate another "first time", as previously mentioned. As it is now, there is a disconnect between the visuals and the writing (and possibly even the sound). Skimping here noticeably detracts from the overall quality, I believe.

First of all, thank you so much for your detailed reply, and I truly appreciate you revisiting the script just to offer this feedback.

• About the half-asleep part: I personally don’t see this as a major issue. Sometimes when we’re startled awake, we might make a big motion, but our mind is still foggy. It’s the kind of moment where you could go right back to sleep afterward—like when you suddenly sit up to turn off an alarm and then immediately lie back down.
• Regarding the hallway lights: this is a great point, and I will definitely revise that. As for adjusting to the dark, one of the reasons I wrote the scene with the bathroom light off is because I personally don’t turn it on when I go in at night—mainly because I don’t want to be blinded or risk waking myself up fully. As you mentioned, if her eyes are already adapted to the darkness, she should see someone on the toilet. That’s why I deliberately positioned the door to be on the side. The idea was that she walks there with half-closed eyes, relying on memory. I agree this could be described more clearly, so I’ll go back and revise it.
• On Blake’s presence: I intentionally avoided describing it too much. I felt it wasn’t particularly crucial. What I mean is, unless you’re watching from a detective’s perspective, it’s not something that needs heavy detail. I did have Cristine ask, "Why are you naked here?"—this shows she still reacts somewhat normally. Blake’s specific reason didn’t seem that important to me (relatively speaking—of course, I know it’s still important from a realism standpoint).
• Cristine not being able to stand up: I originally thought this was self-evident, but I probably underestimated how important it is to describe it clearly. Some even argued that she could sit down but then was “too tight” to get up again—which I honestly found a bit ridiculous. It made me wonder if they skipped physics in school. Didn’t they learn about gravity and acceleration? But still, I’ll definitely enhance this part of the description.
• Blake’s attitude: I think this part is fine. What I mean is, I’ve always intended to portray him as a laid-back type who’s open to whatever feels good. He doesn’t have a strong sense of boundaries and might easily cross lines. When I said I didn’t want either of them to act like it was fully intentional at this point, I meant things like Blake not actively thrusting or reaching for her breasts. As for the teasing in dialogue, I don’t think it breaks that intention.
• Repeated punctuation: I did notice this is something ChatGPT tends to overuse, but I also think em dashes are useful and necessary. GPT was trained on literature and narrative texts, so it makes sense. That said, I agree that it becomes overwhelming at times and can break the flow, which is why starting from version 0.4.0, I’ve already started cutting back on them, and even more so in version 0.5.0. I’ll revise the dialogue in the massage scene as well. Regarding “Up–down–up–down,” I agree that commas would work better. As for "Nngh–!!", that is actually the feeling I wanted. A tilde feels like enjoyment, while a dash to me feels like self-interruption—not someone else cutting her off, but her own hesitation. Like when a person hasn’t consciously admitted they’re enjoying something, and the sound escapes them involuntarily—it’s jarring, not sensual.
• Ending: This part is probably doable. However, I am not sure if it is also I didn't express it well. I tried to show that, Cristine has already climaxed so many times that she has no strength left. Her final attempt to pull away without fully going down is meant to show the last bit of resistance she can still manage.
• Syncing animations with text: This is very hard to control. I don’t know how fast each player reads, so I can’t perfectly align a specific line of dialogue with a specific second of the animation. The only way to control that would be to break the animation into many small segments—but having one or two lines per tiny clip might not make for a very good experience.

Once again, thank you so much for your response. I’ll revise the parts we discussed!

 

[Jebulus]

u're a bot, right? cant tell me u struggle with writing and then have these diplomatic, grammatically flawless answers everytime

 

[NTR.ai]

u're a bot, right? cant tell me u struggle with writing and then have these diplomatic, grammatically flawless answers everytime

I type in my first language and ask GPT to do the translation... or what, you want to see grammatically incorrect sentences and some misuse of words to make my points more difficult to get?