VN Ren'Py NTR'ed by My Friend [v0.4.2] [NTR.ai]

[Jebulus]

u're a bot, right? cant tell me u struggle with writing and then have these diplomatic, grammatically flawless answers everytime

 

[NTR.ai]

u're a bot, right? cant tell me u struggle with writing and then have these diplomatic, grammatically flawless answers everytime

I type in my first language and ask GPT to do the translation... or what, you want to see grammatically incorrect sentences and some misuse of words to make my points more difficult to get?

 

[saroaram1348]

Well, lemme go through it one more time.

Right, so starting off, I misremembered (kind of, because of that other guy), but she does indeed wake up from a wet dream and, as such, that point I mentioned goes out the window. All's well here.

But when it comes to the "being half-asleep" part, she "throws the blanket off in a panic and swings her legs over the edge" doesn't really scream "sleepy" to me, as that implies adrenaline and quick movements.

The hallway lights being on goes against the idea of leaving the lights in the bathroom off (from the perspective of both Blake and Cristine), and it would likely shine some light into the bathroom - so I'd change that to increase "believability", as others have put it. But that also means her eyes should be used to the dark, which is an issue I am unsure how to fix, unfortunately. Maybe something like her turning on the lights in her room and then going into the dark hallway, where she now doesn't see much?

Then you continue with descriptive writing like "still drowsy, still flushed" and "steps in, half-asleep", which is good. But as Jebulus mentioned, there are other things that need to be addressed. While you roughly set the scene, there is nothing that indicates the presence of Blake, like sounds or touch, until it happens, except maybe the smell of the shower and soap, but that's too ambiguous imho. I would suggest she hears something, maybe rustling or something like light breathing or some-such, but is too preoccupied with thinking about her dream in her drowsy state. Maybe she could also smell something like Blakes cologne/deodorant, but think nothing of it.

That is the least I would expect, but you could also go a step further and have her briefly touch Blake in the dark - brush his leg or other parts - but fail to realise (and see, as mentioned in the previous point). This is risky and difficult to pull off believably though, so...

Moving on, Cristine not being able to stand up after sitting down on him because she is "clenched around it–too tight" isn't what I would go with here - I'd suggest leaning more into her losing the strength in her legs as well as an awkward position due to wanting to sit down on the toilet seat; after all, once u commit to sitting down somewhere, it isn't exactly easy to stop suddenly. The only thing stopping her from sitting down completely should be what little strength her legs can muster in her awkward position, imo - at the start, at least. Later, it's the pleasure, obviously.

Moving on to Blake, having him go "just chilling" and "happens" after all this is an issue as well, especially since you said you wanted to emphasise that neither of them actively wanted for this to happen quite yet. He is much too nonchalant. It's fine for Blake to see it coming, wonder what is happening, maybe even realise what is about to happen but not intervening (because, duh), and then being surprised at the sudden pleasure but quickly regaining composure, like "I was wondering what you were doing, I didn't think you had it in you", teasing her while knowing that it wasn't her intention.

This all would also better set up his "blackmail/deal" toward the end, if you want to call it that - he starts off (pleasantly) surprised and slowly takes advantage of the situation opportunistically.

When it comes to repetition, I remember the massage scene being worse than it is, though I'm on 0.5 rn, so you might have already fixed it as you said. You are definitely overusing "–", however, although you can argue that is a stylistic choice. And if you do, I would respect it, it really isn't that big of an issue, though some seem to connect it to ChatGPT-abuse, so for appearance's sake, you may want to use something else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I'll be honest here though, I know they serve a specific purpose (symbolising her fragmented thoughts/speech, interruptions as it were) and they are necessary, so I don't know what your options are. You also unnecessarily overuse them: "Up–down–up–down–" could be "Up, down, up, down–" for one, and "Nngh–!!" doesn't really need the dash if she isn't being interrupted – maybe a "~" instead? Some dashes could possibly be replaced by a group of dots also ("..."). The most egregious example of overuse is definitely the massage scene, though.

Lastly, and this is more of a personal note, the end of the bathroom scene seems unfinished. I don't know how much work it would be to make at least one more animation (or at least a series of images), but it would serve to tie in the still frames a bit better: After she rejects Blakes initial proposal of the morning bj and it says "She shifts instinctively, trying to pull away again", it would be nice if we could have a small animation of her slowly lifting herself only to fall back down, which is where the still frames would take over. Obviously, another animation for the thrusts would be ideal, but not strictly necessary I think. If you were to go with this, I'd advise you to make sure Blake doesn't go too deep, as that would eliminate another "first time", as previously mentioned. As it is now, there is a disconnect between the visuals and the writing (and possibly even the sound). Skimping here noticeably detracts from the overall quality, I believe.

Sorry, but like, 80% of what you're saying is way off
NTR.ai
I saw a few bugs, where should I tell you?

 

[ConspicuousChanneler]

First of all, thank you so much for your detailed reply, and I truly appreciate you revisiting the script just to offer this feedback.

• About the half-asleep part: I personally don’t see this as a major issue. Sometimes when we’re startled awake, we might make a big motion, but our mind is still foggy. It’s the kind of moment where you could go right back to sleep afterward—like when you suddenly sit up to turn off an alarm and then immediately lie back down.
• Regarding the hallway lights: this is a great point, and I will definitely revise that. As for adjusting to the dark, one of the reasons I wrote the scene with the bathroom light off is because I personally don’t turn it on when I go in at night—mainly because I don’t want to be blinded or risk waking myself up fully. As you mentioned, if her eyes are already adapted to the darkness, she should see someone on the toilet. That’s why I deliberately positioned the door to be on the side. The idea was that she walks there with half-closed eyes, relying on memory. I agree this could be described more clearly, so I’ll go back and revise it.
• On Blake’s presence: I intentionally avoided describing it too much. I felt it wasn’t particularly crucial. What I mean is, unless you’re watching from a detective’s perspective, it’s not something that needs heavy detail. I did have Cristine ask, "Why are you naked here?"—this shows she still reacts somewhat normally. Blake’s specific reason didn’t seem that important to me (relatively speaking—of course, I know it’s still important from a realism standpoint).
• Cristine not being able to stand up: I originally thought this was self-evident, but I probably underestimated how important it is to describe it clearly. Some even argued that she could sit down but then was “too tight” to get up again—which I honestly found a bit ridiculous. It made me wonder if they skipped physics in school. Didn’t they learn about gravity and acceleration? But still, I’ll definitely enhance this part of the description.
• Blake’s attitude: I think this part is fine. What I mean is, I’ve always intended to portray him as a laid-back type who’s open to whatever feels good. He doesn’t have a strong sense of boundaries and might easily cross lines. When I said I didn’t want either of them to act like it was fully intentional at this point, I meant things like Blake not actively thrusting or reaching for her breasts. As for the teasing in dialogue, I don’t think it breaks that intention.
• Repeated punctuation: I did notice this is something ChatGPT tends to overuse, but I also think em dashes are useful and necessary. GPT was trained on literature and narrative texts, so it makes sense. That said, I agree that it becomes overwhelming at times and can break the flow, which is why starting from version 0.4.0, I’ve already started cutting back on them, and even more so in version 0.5.0. I’ll revise the dialogue in the massage scene as well. Regarding “Up–down–up–down,” I agree that commas would work better. As for "Nngh–!!", that is actually the feeling I wanted. A tilde feels like enjoyment, while a dash to me feels like self-interruption—not someone else cutting her off, but her own hesitation. Like when a person hasn’t consciously admitted they’re enjoying something, and the sound escapes them involuntarily—it’s jarring, not sensual.
• Ending: This part is probably doable. However, I am not sure if it is also I didn't express it well. I tried to show that, Cristine has already climaxed so many times that she has no strength left. Her final attempt to pull away without fully going down is meant to show the last bit of resistance she can still manage.
• Syncing animations with text: This is very hard to control. I don’t know how fast each player reads, so I can’t perfectly align a specific line of dialogue with a specific second of the animation. The only way to control that would be to break the animation into many small segments—but having one or two lines per tiny clip might not make for a very good experience.

Once again, thank you so much for your response. I’ll revise the parts we discussed!

I kind of agree with the half-asleep big motions part, mainly because I believe it is a small detail based on personal experience - whenever I jolt awake like that, I feel pretty much ready to tussle, so to speak. But as soon as that initial moment wears off, I can usually fall asleep immediately, so I guess it's true that it doesn't necessarily mean she's awake from that point forward.

As for Blake and his (perceived) lack of presence before the reveal, I believe revisions would help establish a more believable scenario. As it is now, I think most people struggle to find a good reason for Blake to be there, making it seem all the more random. From what I can tell, the intention was that Blake took a shower and then sat down on the toilet before Cristine stumbles in, half-asleep. That is, however, entirely my own conjecture based on what is essentially a single line of text: "The air smells faintly of soap and shampoo, mixed with a hint of damp tile" (also, a side note: I don't think damp tiles are so much a smell as they are tactile; the smell is likely more the dampness itself, but I'm not 100% on this). However, the way it is right now, it reads as if he just casually sits on the toilet completely naked for no apparent reason. That is to say, I believe that, based on the negative feedback of the others, it is evident that his presence and motivation/reason for being there isn't clear, which makes it difficult to believe and accept. Narratively, he seems like a tool, a means to an end, rather than a living, relatable human.

There are two obvious solutions to this, in my opinion. One would be to more clearly establish his presence through Cristine as she enters the bathroom, as discussed in my previous post. The other would be something only tangentially mentioned in my post: Simply have Blake briefly mention what he was doing (taking a shower/dump) when asked by Cristine. If you go with one of these two - or any other solution you may come up with that more clearly establishes a raison d'être for Blake in that moment - it will undoubtedly improve the readers' understanding, acceptance and evaluation of the scene, myself included.

Moreover, I understand that you definitely intend for Blake to be laid-back, in every sense of the word. However, the degree of nonchalance he has in a, frankly, completely one-in-a-million coincidence only adds to the unbelievability. While not everything in a story has to be believable in the context of our own reality, it *does* have to be believable in a diegetic sense - that is, within the story's world. And since our world and the story's are, as of now, fairly close if not nigh identical, Blake as a character has to be relatably human to at least *some* degree. Him being completely unfazed just isn't human behaviour - he doesn't have to lose his cool or pog out completely, but him at least acknowledging the uniqueness of the situation, even in nonchalant passing, would make him that much more relatable, I believe, and it would also surely help with the believability everyone is mentioning (even if only a little for some of them).

Now, pertaining to the animation: You absolutely don't have to sync reading speed and animations, but merely specific lines and animations. What I intended with my suggestion was essentially the following: Every animation so far loops endlessly. However, as soon as the line "She shifts instinctively, trying to pull away again [...]" comes up, you could end the endless loop and transition into a small animation where she attempts to more slowly lift her hips (to show the struggle) only to fall right back, only that his one does NOT loop. This means that it's quite literally a clip of a few seconds that ends after it has been played once. This then allows you to continue with still frames rather than animations without making the transition as abrupt as it is now (or continue with another animation for the thrusts; both are valid options). Furthermore, it more closely connects the text with the visuals. No need to anticipate reading speeds or anything futile like that.

All in all, it sounds like you have a rather clear idea for what you want your game and story to be, which is good. You also respond well to constructive criticism, as far as I can tell - that is a rare virtue, sadly. At the end of the day, every suggestion I make is targeted at what I believe are weak points that need reinforcing. You don't have to go specifically with my proposals for how to improve them, but I implore you to at least consider why we criticise specific aspects of your work. In my case, I mainly aim to point out things that either (imo) obviously detract from the quality of the product, like the point about the animations, or narrative aspects that go against popular and fundamental narrative theory, such as internal consistency (the point about the lights in the hall) or character motivation (Blake's reason for being there, other than to make the scene possible).

 

[ConspicuousChanneler]

Sorry, but like, 80% of what you're saying is way off
NTR.ai
I saw a few bugs, where should I tell you?

You're free to disagree, obviously. I would appreciate you pointing out what is "way off", though many of my ideas are just me spitballing.

Again, I merely offer my own two cents as someone with little practical experience and sizable theoretical knowledge on the matter. Obviously, not everything I say is objectively correct or better, nor do I claim such. Even when it comes to aspects that go against fundamental narrative theory, they do not necessarily have to be changed to abide by them. As I've said previously, departing from conventions can be a good thing. Some of these aspects have, however, struck a nerve with a number of people, and I believe understandably so (at least partly) - these things wouldn't have become conventions if they didn't accomplish anything.

Regardless, I felt compelled to provide another perspective, not only because it was requested, but also because others are ripping into the author for, quite frankly, bogus reasons by and large or none at all.

 

[ConspicuousChanneler]

Dear developer, your game is good, please, just stop reporting to everyone and everyone, do not give in to provocations and hate on this forum, I understand that you have just started making the game and you want to get feedback, and also for the branch of your game to develop, but if you stop scattering yourself and put all your efforts into developing the game and frequent updates, as you are doing now and you are great, then your game will give great results, in terms of earnings and celebrity, just spend your energy on development and release it earlier, I am sure you will succeed

I would also like to ask you to stop agreeing with those who forcibly offer you the paths of the history of your game and follow your intended plan, because as you can see it worked, also do not pay attention to people who tell you about the REALISTICITY of the situation, because it is just a game

You talked about different endings of your game, if you really need it, I leave my options

1 - the main character becomes a cuckold and everything happens before his eyes

2 - the main character breaks up with his girlfriend and kicks out his friend (but the cheaters unite and continue to fuck and the main character knows about it (such an ending will leave even more emotions)

3 - the ending the main character resigns himself and the girl becomes a toy for group sessions of the hero and the neighbor

Also, you could speed up the development of this game and finish it as soon as possible and create the next part, where new neighbors come to the main characters of this game, a young couple, and the main character of the current game, a girl, begins to corrupt the new innocent neighbor, and turns her into a sex monster, good luck to you in development, I hope your updates will remain as fast

I agree with the main sentiment expressed here, even though I disagree with everything else: At the end of the day, you are the creator and author of this story and should shape it exactly the way you want to, NTR.ai . Feedback is important, sure, but you shouldn't be swayed by amateurs, which the absolute majority of us on here are, me included. Neither should you feel rushed to pump out updates and finish the story - just don't milk us dry, like many other creators have and continue to.

 

[saroaram1348]

You're free to disagree, obviously. I would appreciate you pointing out what is "way off", though many of my ideas are just me spitballing.

Again, I merely offer my own two cents as someone with little practical experience and sizable theoretical knowledge on the matter. Obviously, not everything I say is objectively correct or better, nor do I claim such. Even when it comes to aspects that go against fundamental narrative theory, they do not necessarily have to be changed to abide by them. As I've said previously, departing from conventions can be a good thing. Some of these aspects have, however, struck a nerve with a number of people, and I believe understandably so (at least partly) - these things wouldn't have become conventions if they didn't accomplish anything.

Regardless, I felt compelled to provide another perspective, not only because it was requested, but also because others are ripping into the author for, quite frankly, bogus reasons by and large or none at all.

If I get a chance later, I'll break it down for you, but you've got some seriously weird and wrong ideas. To be honest, it totally cracked me up, but I'm not trying to be mean. So yeah, I'll explain it all in a few hours.
Your first weird screw-up is that everyone's sayin' the sex scene was whack and hilarious, but you're standin' up for it. Go spill that in the NTR F95 forum and see what kind of flak you get

 

[Yakis0ba]

So, I', no expert, but if you're an NTR enjoyer, would being NTRed by your friend end your friendship, or would it make you better

Does anyone take a comedy movie seriously? (I'm not talking about your game, it's a general question)

It's a spectrum.