ChubbyFatBoy,
King_In_Yellow,
Regular4Channer. Gentlemen.
The last few days I was doing a new run of the game to test Valzira consort option. Naturally, Dragon's name was Valziradomesticator. Should have remembered to break the two words. Or add some number at the end to make it sound stupider.
Anyway, yesterday my test concluded when I ran out of game to explore. And I have things to tell you.
The general gist of the run was being selfish asshole - no Malice, pure alignment with Inferno, being Sun Dad's perfect scaly boy, etc. But as with Stelaris players trying to build the Imperium of Man only to fall into pacifist route and vise versa, so did I manage to turn my run into the kindest one I had by far. Hordes are happy, Realm is prospering, Pale Rock suffered no damage and harem's mostly happy. I have discovered new sides and my appreciation to many of the girls, and by far the only two downturns were Adeline and Chanwe.
I will begin with the latter, our dear Abbess. And I feel like I have to switch to my native language and its many memes because I need to be as expressive as possible.
Поехавшая нахуй, пиздец просто! Какого хера я её еретический рут вообще выбрал?! НАХУЯ И ГЛАВНОЕ ЗАЧЕМ?! Я чуть от кринжа не помер нахуй! Это ПИЗ-ДЕЦ, господа-товарищи-анонасы!
Fuuuucking hecking fuck of fucks! She's nuts! That's not a Heresiarch, that's a sexier version of Florida Man high on dragon cum. Only instead of eating people's faces she's trying to make orgies everywhere she walks. She's no longer Chanwe, she's Goonwe! It goes so far into ridiculous cringe that even older faithful of the Sun are telling her: "Yo, sister, our faith does not work like that! That's glorified goon-session!". She literally knows zilch! Her only actual source is that old book made by Moon priestesses about 'horrors of the Sun faith' she used as mastrubatory supplement. Her other 'source' is - of course! - whatever she made the fuck up!
I have literally made a cum-brained gooner the leader of my church. FUCK!
My next playthrough she goes straaaaight into someone else's harem through being sacrificed. I am done with that crazy sex lady. It's not even cringy-funny - it's just cringy.
As for Adeline... You know, for whatever the reason I never tried to insult her before on our reunification. Never felt neither need, nor curiosity to do so - until now.
And she fucking tried to used Words of Power on me. Hours after being rescued from certain death. By me.
Nope, straight to the dungeon! Fuck you and your sorry-ass ambitions! Bachelordom for this dragon it is then! Since I haven't made Malice and I'm not siding with Malagar, there is literally zero queen options right now.
Also: currently, many dialogue checks in Act V are broken. You can trigger war with Infernals when they bunker-up on Malice route, Adeline will recall things she couldn't have witnessed because she was in the dungeon, etc. Nothing real bad - just silly stuff, IMO. But still, it is broken.
As for the good things I've discovered, there are many, actually.
First and foremost, M-Ann is an S-tier material. Sold herself with singing me a song and being overall nice to literally everyone. I have no idea why I walked past her before - she's solid. And a raging zoophile, which is a good thing in my goon-book.
There was literally no bad interactions with her - and there are tons of them!
Second, Cooch. Originally planned as sacrifice, but the heist with Mina? Couldn't force myself to throw such a buddy-buddy out after that. Also, the need to sacrifice her went away with time - I was doing great, the hordes got enough already and were in good fighting shape.
The heist in general is just phenomenal, both in itself and how much it boosts your treasury. Two scenes with the gals, lot of options, lots of utility - great stuff, really. The only downside is if you want more gold, you'll have to ditch Rhyll, which is a shame and it also limits your options in Act III through not giving you an extra week. Meaning that if you want to use the heist at maximum, you should plan ahead your steps carefuly, almost min-maxing the Third Act.
Anyway, the Cooch stayed. And gifted me with a lot of kobbies (or "sprogs" as she called them) - and an absolute banger of a scene in late Act V.
I have never laughed so hard playing this game before! Her brew, the reactions of guest - whoever wrote that deserves every praise and donation they can get. Pure cum-stained cinema. Kino, even! 'Cumbucha', lol. Shit, I'm still laughing my ass off recalling that scene.
Also: Cooch stutters when sober. The more you know! She keeps perfect pronunciation when drunk - it's just her pronunciation is a crime against language as it is.
Darja was a lot cooler than I thought she would be. I HATE Adoring Fan/Mad types of characters. With passion too!
It was a real surprise when she turned out as good as she did. Yes, she shares the number braincells with a very passionate brick. And she's hella annoying - but what I discovered is that she was kinda annoying in silly-funny way. When I gave her enough attention, she revealed to be very passionate and straightforwards and also very kind. She just wanted to make people happy - and you double-happy.
She was silly saying this - but also sincere. And it's hard not to feel well for her. Shame she fell into second seat role because I didn't chose her uncle and couldn't meaningfully progress her story. Also, for some reason I really hesitated putting kobols into her - feels like she may deserved more. A proper royal treatment.
I am definitely trying full-on Malagar route next. While my curiosity with her and disdain for Adeline are high.
Now, for the reason I've made this run - The Most Purple of All Pet Cacti.
Yes. She's a consort option through and through - but only after Breaker treatment. And there are TONS of stuff with her - I think, only Heloise has more.
And she's just the bitch she always were. Everything you do she will comment in the most condescending and offensive way possible. Every word's a jab, every expression is disappointment, hatred or anger and every night and every morning she greets you with them, wishing you a multitude of painful untimely expirations.
That's some of the most hilarious things in this game, period. Patting her on the head while she seethes is an option, yes.
Give it a try. I won't spoil more - that shit's gooood! Only shame you can't keep her as a consort in Act V. Feels like you should be able too, especially if you stay unmarried, but you can't. Shame!
On smaller miscellaneous notes.
Couldn't trigger loyal Maelys route no matter what I do. That's my second try, I tried myself, tried the manual - no idea what's wrong. She just sits there all sad and does not recognize my attempts to make her happier.
Countess Mina is a blast. Not only her interactions are awesome, she is a walking boon. Treat her well and you'll have 1 extra treasure upon recruiting her, heist quest that gives you up to 3 treasures and +1 Realm stability in Act V. Give her the dress, do not overstep your deals with her and how she prefers to pleasure you and you'll have a loyal effective ally through most of the game.
Gave Bad Dragon Ziz cock treatment again. Sweet and hilarious to see such domineering creature being dominated into a squirming bottom.
Those new gals in Act V you meet during Cooch brew shenanigan are lotta cute. Hope we'll see more of them.
Edit: The Infernals are absolutely fucking terrifying. I don't know who wrote them, but that guy (gal? inbetween or aside?) deserves a pay rise.
That's the spirit of Slaaneshi demons uncut made into descriptions, as if GW wasn't too shy and PG to show what true terror of unrestrained passion looks like. They twist, pervert, corrupt, destroy - and worst of all, have a method to their madness. Nothing is random. Everything is a cog in Sun's Desiring Machine. Forms are temporary. Status is earned to be lost and re-taken. Everything is a game and a competition and a revelry and a torture each. Everything blends, everything is fluid, everything is at its peak and its apex. They don't just do extremes - they do all the extremes simultaneously in an eldritch spectacle of emotional and sensational purity. Dancing to Sun's eternal beat on a war-party that never truly ends, that goes within and without, among and between, above and below. They curse with blessings and bless with curses. They are divinely mortifying blend of mind's intricacy and natures raw power.
You can only invite them - but it is they who decide when to leave and what to leave of you. And when they do, you will be screaming in joy and suffering at once, for the Sun treats extremes equally. If the world is a circle, the Moon is the inside of it, the Sun is its edge. Things set and stable and things that deny stability on fundamental level.
I rarely meet such vivid and great descriptions that portray otherworldly as simultaneously comprehensive, if barely, if just enough to send a shiver - and completely alien. Both absolutely inhuman and uncomfortably humane.
And that's probably the same. Will add some bits if I recall anything else.
The run was smoother and much kinder than I expected, the goals were met, new appreciations acquired - what's not to love?
