I'm back with another Clerks parody. This time, on the flying car skit.
(The Latin House gang are stuck in traffic)
Max: You know, it's times like these I can't help but think we'd been lied to by The Jetsons.
Dominic: What are you talking about?
Max: According to that show, we're supposed to be tooling around in flying cars right now. You see any flying cars lately? That's the problem with TV. It always lie to you.
Dominic: Yes, well most of us rational thinker weren't hoping on a cartoon for a viable glimpse into the future of technological development.
Max: You don't think anyone anywhere is working on the flying car?
Dominic: I could care less.
Max: I just gotta believe there's someone else out there thinking of the flying car besides me. Someone who's not afraid their head over the wall for the good of mankind.
Dominic: What's that supposed to mean?
Max: Throw your head over the wall? It means committing to doing something. If more people threw their heads over the wall, we wouldn't be sitting in this mess right now, we'd be zooming over it in the flying car.
Dominic: I see you've given us plenty of thought.
Max: Kennedy, alright? JFK himself. When he was in office, he stood before the country and promised that there would be a man on the moon within ten years. Thing is, nobody was working on a space program at that point, JFK had no data to back up his claim, no insight into the practicality of space travel. But you know what he did had?
Dominic: Marilyn Monroe?
Max: The man had sack. He had the sack to stand in front of millions and say, "Hey! Get this! We're going to the moon!" Imagine if you and me were the kind of guys to have the sack to stand in front of the world and say, "Get this! We'll all be in the flying car by the end of the year!"
Dominic: Do you know you have a one track mind?
Max: Hey. What would you be willing to trade for the flying car?
Dominic: What do you mean?
Max: Say some German scientist walks up to you and he says, "I have invented the flying car. I'll give to you on one condition."
Dominic: Well, what's the condition?
Max: He's not gonna tell you.
Dominic: Then it's no deal.
Max: The dude's offering you the flying car.
Dominic: Yes, but there is obviously going to be a catch.
Max: Who cares what the catch is? It's the flying car. You'll have the only one in the world.
Dominic: And why is this German scientist...
Max: Ja voll.
Dominic: Why is he offering it to me for free, and not one of the car companies instead?
Max: What is this? Murder She Wrote? Who cares what's behind the mystery? You don't like a gift shoved in your mouth? Just take the car, man.
Dominic: Not until I know what the catch is.
Max: Fine. You have to cut off a foot.
Dominic: No way.
Max: Are you saying you wouldn't cut off your foot for the flying car? Are you that selfish?
Dominic: It's my foot! How am I supposed to walk?!
Max: Why walk? You'll have the flying car. God, you could sell the design and engineering secrets to the car companies and become a multi-billionaire. On top of that, you could buy like, 50 prosthetic feet.
Dominic: Which foot? Right of left?
Max: Your choice.
Dominic: Okay, I'll trade my left foot for the flying car.
Max: Why your left foot?
Dominic: It has an ingrown toenail.
Max: Listen to you. Dude offers you the fire from Olympus that is the flying car, and you trade him a bum foot?
Dominic: You said I could pick!
Max: So it's a deal then? Your foot for the flying car? You sure?
Dominic: Yes, I'm sure.
Max: You can't welch.
Dominic: I won't welch.
Max: Because the entire world is counting on you.
Dominic: Why the whole world all of a sudden?
Max: Because the German scientist held a press conference when he made you the offer. He told the world media once the trade was made, you could do whatever you want with the flying car including mass market affordable models for consumer purchase.
Dominic: What kind of scientist is he?!
Max: One with a lot of free times on his hands. And a foot fetish. So, are you in? Are you going to do the right thing here?
Dominic: Yes.
Max: So it's a deal?
Dominic: Yes.
Max: Alright. So then what happens is you find out the guy is going to take off your foot with a hacksaw.
Dominic: What?
Max: And no anesthetic.
Dominic: Are you insane!?
Max: Come on. It's part of the deal.
Dominic: You didn't mention that before!
Max: Then you should've payed a lawyer to look over the contract. But come on, it'll only hurt when they're taking the foot off. After that they'll put a local on your stump before cauterizing the wound.
Dominic: Why can't I get a local before he cuts it off?
Max: Because he is a sick degenerate who likes to inflict pain.
Dominic: You said he was a man of science!
Max: You don't think Einstein enjoyed hacking guys' feet off? But nobody ever said anything about it 'cause he's one of the smartest people of all time, but come on, man. Take a hit for the team. It's only a few seconds of pain for a lifetime of riches and zero traffic.
Dominic: Fine. As soon as I get the local as soon as he's done cutting.
Max: So you want the local?
Dominic: Who am I? The Marquis de Sade? Yes, I want the local.
Max: Alright.
Dominic: Why did you say it like that?
Max: It's just that the local he gives you knocks you out. And when your outtie, diddles your penee.
Dominic: What!?
Max: Don't look at me, man. You made the deal.
Dominic: Yes, to trade my foot for the flying car! Not to be tortured and molested by some demented scientist!
Max: And his friends.
Dominic: What!?
Max: Yeah, just when he's done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you too.
Dominic: Deal's off!
Max: What are you? Some kind of homophobe?
Dominic: No, I just don't want to be diddled by some psychotic scientist and friends after they hacked my foot off!
Max: Do I have to remind you that this is for the flying car?
Dominic: It's not worth it!
Max: See? You are what's wrong with this country. Hell, with this world. You're always thinking about your own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us. This country was nearly built on sacrifice, and twenty years of living a life full of selfish foot pampering and intergender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your head over the wall for the good of mankind. And not only did you ruin it for the rest of us with the flying car, but you completely blew the notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world will have no heroic figure to emulate. So the future of mankind continues on its downward spiral into entropy of mass extinction until all that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew, to which we'll most certainly return, all thanks to you and your ill refusal to reach for the stars, and you'll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life. The wimpy little scumbag who could've breached the chasm of becoming and being, but instead opted to cover his own ass and foot in the process.
Dominic: ALRIGHT! I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off, then have him and his friends can have their way with me, all for the flying car.
Max: You'd do it with a bunch of guys for a car?
(Dominic is shocked speechless)
Max: I thought I'd knew you, man.
