Really distracting how Lili's art style changes from the first time we get a look at her to the immediate next time.
The writing feels off in a sort of uninspired kind of way like it's all placeholder right now, which it may well be. Early version and all.
Rurik says "He gives his some thought." Should be he gives
it some thought
I can ask Lili to wait at the tavern. Haven't had a reason yet, but I click it anyway. Then I go to the market and Lili says "ooo shiny" even though she shouldn't be here.
Astrid talks like AI-generated text.
It seems I am now locked out of bringing Lili back into the party. Clueless why she's so miffed. I found us a quest. Oh well, onward we go.
"You brush away grime to reveal a moss-cloaked fissure—just large enough to squeeze through." "Three small, reptilian figures scramble into view — Kobolds, armed with crude spears"
The first em-dash has no spaces around it, the second does. Both are valid, but it's typical style guidance to be consistently one or the other, not swapping(looks like usually you include spaces). Also Kobolds probably shouldn't be capitalized. You used a dash, it is not a new sentence, so the first letter to follow shouldn't be capitalized unless it is a proper noun. Another valid way to write the sentence would be a colon instead of an em-dash, and you also wouldn't capitalize in that case, so if your dash is a stand-in for colon, not right.
"Blood-cold air rushes in"
Shouldn't it be blood-chilling, not blood-cold? Blood is typically thought of as very warm.
"Hostile. Skulking things. We must find the way out Now." Either you forgot to put a period after "out" or the Now should be lowercase.
"(Her sharp command cuts the spell somewhat. Steel yourself.)"
Steel yourself doesn't make much sense because the narration is first-person, not second-person. You're frequently writing it as "Her eyes snap to mine" and so forth, not "Her eyes snap to yours".
I notice the prose feels very AI in its excess.
Ah
game crashed. A lot of ren'py projects make it so you cannot scroll back to choices or to a previous chapter. You should do something like that for battles, where the player can't scroll back to it. I did it on accident since I was going back over the log of text.
And for some reason I can't just skip text I've already seen when relaunching and playing through again? Why? How'd that feature get messed up? Crash related I guess. Doesn't happen if I just close and relaunch normally.
Text rendering error:
View attachment 4793295
Her calloused hand finds my chin, my calloused fingers find her nipples. We're both really struggling with the concept of quality purpose-built gloves. Also, when the point is not
about both characters having the same callouses, it's probably better not to describe both the same way in a short span of time. If it had to be one or the other, her callouses say more about how the experience feels for the player, while the player's callouses is less impactful.
"my cockhead teases her entrance" and then the picture is the dick against the ass cheek, nowhere near either hole
"ravage me please" "How's this?" *cock still just against the ass cheek* "Deeper!" like dude what. Deeper? It's not even in yet
"You want it rough?" *cockhead pressed against anus, pushing in* "Yes—break me like you broke the troll!" *puts cock in pussy* The sequence of images poorly correlates with the text.
The excess of qualifiers is very "unedited AI text" coded and also kind of funny at this point
Her walls clamp—vice-tight.
Her pussy flutters—desperate.
I wrench her head back—her throat bared.
Her cunt milks me—urgent.
Look at you—stretched wide.
It's really getting out of hand. I've never seen so many em-dashes.
Her tits crush against stone—nipples rubbing raw.
Her muscles tense—she's clamping down.
Suddenly flipping us—straddling me.
Her tits bounce—slapping her chest.
Oh my god does it ever stop. The AI you're using to generate the text simply forgot what a comma is and just uses em-dashes now.
Astrid: Screaming!
Hero: Filling you!
Why are we announcing what we're doing now!?
Her ass drips—marked.
It still keeps going.
I remember that one VN with the cellulose-laden fat Triss Merigold that was written entirely with AI and it was so mind-numbingly vacuous. It was awful to read. This is nothing nearly so bad, but it still rings hollow and then the writing does
that goofy shit. Please put a disclaimer somewhere that this is AI-written