Unity Student of Autumnhearth - Character Creator

lewdpirate

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Apr 15, 2019
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Hi! I am making a Character creator for a game, I MAY NEVER MAKE!
I thought I'd share it just the same.


Current version 0.1.3 is the first "story update" in which you can read a little about the universe, specifically about the fellowships and educational programmes of Autumnhearth.

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Autumnhearth was the magic school oxopotion used in their Poke Abby game, I am not affiliated with them, I'm just a fan, who is sad to see the universe die.

I would love some feedback and suggestions :D

-LP
 
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lewdpirate

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Apr 15, 2019
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The 0.1.2 Clothing Update is here!
You can now wear clothes, isn't that just great?
0_1_2Update.gif

I am still very open to ideas, Let me know what you think :D

-LP
 
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Saki_Sliz

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May 3, 2018
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Very cool and amazing work.
Love the detail of the guy? peeking.
I'm not too sure of what ideas to give.
I saw you had another game and I tried it, I was very impressed with the combat mechanics and the AI.
I never did figure out the actually math going on behind the scenes, but I was very impressed with how many parameters were involved in planning each move, who's turn, what did they do last time, what's their stance, how far have we pushed each other, what are our focus level. It took me 3 tries but I eventually won.
 
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lewdpirate

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Thank you :) duel Abby is on hold since I’m not sure how to progress from where I am atm.
But I am glad you like it :D

Are there any customisation options you feel would be cool?
 

kuraiken

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Dec 5, 2017
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Thank you :) duel Abby is on hold since I’m not sure how to progress from where I am atm.
But I am glad you like it :D

Are there any customisation options you feel would be cool?
In theory, there's an infinite number of things you could add.
Offset functions for body parts for manual placement, poses (lifting the skirt etc.) with their own variants, sex positions, etc. etc.

I think rather than trying to do everything, you should consider what would be most helpful to your game (I'm assuming you're not just doing this for others but also consider possibly making your own game with these assets). So what kind of graphical assets would have to be produced, how can you standardize them, and in what way can you create them without having to go through an exorbitant amount of effort?

Another consideration would be to what extent you want options to be added. Right now, for example, you can just switch through top & bottom parts, and because of the limited number of assets, that works perfectly fine.
But if you want to expand the assets, you may have to switch to a browser list with a preview picture so it becomes easier to know what you're picking. (Otherwise people may have to click through hundreds of assets)
If you want to open the scope of your generator to beyond this hogwartzian theme, and allow stuff like police uniforms, normal dresses, etc. etc. it'll become a lot more important to also have a simple tag-system that allows you to create thematic categories so users can pick the right theme for the game that they're creating.

So it'd be very helpful for yourself (and people giving advice to you) if there's a list of basic things that the creator should be able to create for.

Example:
Dialogue sprite (standing figurethat represents the character in a scene)
-Movement animation (allows characters to move from left to right, assuming the scene is 2d sideview)
-Idle Animation (breathing movement - could be done with localized deformation of the chest component)
-Pose & Idle animation (lewd pose with idle animation)
-Sex position & animation loop (positions the character for a sex scene and has animation loop that can be sped up by cutting out every xth frame, including climax animation)

But that would be a very work-intensive generator.

So you might want to skip the animations:
Dialogue sprite
- Poses
- Sex Position & climax picture
 
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lewdpirate

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Woah that's some very good feedback :D

I am really not sure if I'll ever make the game, the generator is intended for, but yeah There should be a dialogue sprite and a "ingame" sprite for when you are moving around the school. The great thing is that all students are required to wear uniform, but how you wear them are pretty much up to each student.

I'm thinking that I might hold off on the sex sprites for now, but possibly a version 0.2 could be the sex update :) Before then I want to at least have the option to create a male character, and possibly an "open-sexed" character.

My plan currently is
0.1.3
0_1_3_preview.gif
Add the options for the legs, a bit of lore and some quality of life additions.

0.1.4
Stats (although they wouldn't really do anything unless I actually made the game).

0.1.5+
Dialogue and movement sprites.
 
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kuraiken

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Woah that's some very good feedback :D

I am really not sure if I'll ever make the game, the generator is intended for, but yeah There should be a dialogue sprite and a "ingame" sprite for when you are moving around the school.
What movements are you planning? The easiest I can see are purely left& right animations. If you want to have a diagonal view (like in RPG Maker games) you'd have to make a seperate sprite from a different view.
Not sure if you've played Witch Trainer, but you could set the scenes in side-way view like that.
Since your characters have a relatively large number of pixels, it also gives you the option to slightly increase or decrease their resolution in-game depending on how "far" they're supposed to be away from the screen. With that, you can simulate a bit of depth despite using only 2d sprites.

The great thing is that all students are required to wear uniform, but how you wear them are pretty much up to each student.

I'm thinking that I might hold off on the sex sprites for now, but possibly a version 0.2 could be the sex update :) Before then I want to at least have the option to create a male character, and possibly an "open-sexed" character.

My plan currently is
0.1.3
View attachment 673547
Add the options for the legs, a bit of lore and some quality of life additions.

0.1.4
Stats (although they wouldn't really do anything unless I actually made the game).

0.1.5+
Dialogue and movement sprites.
I'd suggest you either skip the stats or implement 1-2 placeholder stats.
In my experience, when actually creating the ingame mechanics, you can often end up you either need more stats or less stats when implementing a system. Trying to implement "concrete" stats early on leads to a lot of hesitating and wondering about what stats would be best, how they could be used, etc.
All of that is often work that ends up thrown out the window the moment you prototype your gameplay.
So it's probably a lot more important for you to connect selectable stats to internal variables rather than actually fleshing out a stat-system.

Based on how specific your character designer is, I don't think it will be very useful for people who don't make a game within the narrow direction you're designing it for. (Hogwarts-like school)

That means you should probably pursue an actual game that uses this system. So if your idea of a fantasy-school setting has you excited, you should probably write a game concept that nails down the main points so you can develop an idea of what game you want to do - and also so that you can use it to give other people an idea of what you're aiming for, so you can get them interested in working with you.

If that's your first game, don't make the mistake most people (such as I) do and pick a narrow concept idea that isn't too expansive (so no 10 schools you can visit, with competitions between them, etc.) but focused primarily on the most central thing you like about it.

I'd be a shame if you spend a lot of time & effort on a program like this, and it doesn't end up utilized in an actual game.
 
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lewdpirate

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Thank you :D

The reason I’m saying the game may not come to fruition, is that the scope, story-wise, is pretty big. but it would play kinda like a visual novel RPG hybrid, where you move around the School using a few choices baser on your current location, while key locations would have a RPG maker like experience.

the story goes something like this:
38 years ago, an event scourged Autumnhearth, as the rumoured chamber of fetishes opened. Later the same year, the Fetish Lord rose to power, and corrupted the magically society for a decade.

then he vanished completely 18 years ago, after killing the parents of an infant, the magical society called this child “The Pure One”.

On your 18th birthday, you receive the acceptance letter from autumnhearth. But soon you realise, that the chamber of fetishes, may have opened again. The teachers who are all traumatised by a decade of increasingly lewd and dangerous corruption, seem to deny what is happening, and refuse to speak of “the dark days”.

so it’s up to you, and your friends, to save the day, and stop whoever is trying to open the chamber.

the game would progress along a calendar, where different events occur during the year, and you have classes you need to attend to on a weekly basis.
At the same time, people around you, and even yourself are finding it difficult to not give in to lewdness.

it’s not my first game by any means, but usually my scope is more attainable, so I don’t know that I would be able to make it because of the scope. I naught next able to make a month or a week, in a scaled down school. But for now I’m making the character creator because I really feel like it,and because I am having fun with it :)
 

kuraiken

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Dec 5, 2017
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Thank you :D

The reason I’m saying the game may not come to fruition, is that the scope, story-wise, is pretty big. but it would play kinda like a visual novel RPG hybrid, where you move around the School using a few choices baser on your current location, while key locations would have a RPG maker like experience.
You mean talking to characters, interacting with them & possibly fighting them? (3D or 2D?)
It's probably easier if you go universally with a scheme and not build to systems that work differently.

So you could:
- design it as a scene-based VN where you do contextual choices. (Go here, talk to X, etc.)
- design it as a 2D adventure where you move through 2D scenes and interact with people
- design it as a 2d-ish RPG Maker game where you travel through maps and interact with people

Mixing either of those is probably going to be a big problem, because it may result in you having to do specific assets for that type of mode. (like 2d character sprites that pretend to move as three-dimensional objects like RPG maker character sprites in addition to your 2d character sprites)

the story goes something like this:
38 years ago, an event scourged Autumnhearth, as the rumoured chamber of fetishes opened. Later the same year, the Fetish Lord rose to power, and corrupted the magically society for a decade.

then he vanished completely 18 years ago, after killing the parents of an infant, the magical society called this child “The Pure One”.
Thematically, I'd change that aspect and bring it more into relation to something lewd. You've got a fetish lord, a society corrupted to do lewd stuff, so the serious undertone of the parent's being killed doesn't fit too well.

You could instead go with other things like...
...corrupted the children's parents with a spell of perversion only the child was somehow immune to. (parents now corrupted followers -> opens up incest theme)
...punished his parents by opening a gate to the demonic realm of lust, but somehow the child could not be claimed by the creatures beyond the gate. (can set up demon sex stuff)

The idea is that this (for the character) critical event can be used to set up a theme & fetish you want to have in the game and weave it into the narrative. That way, it'll feel essential to the character's story and naturally emerges from your universe.

On your 18th birthday, you receive the acceptance letter from autumnhearth. But soon you realise, that the chamber of fetishes, may have opened again. The teachers who are all traumatised by a decade of increasingly lewd and dangerous corruption, seem to deny what is happening, and refuse to speak of “the dark days”.

so it’s up to you, and your friends, to save the day, and stop whoever is trying to open the chamber.

the game would progress along a calendar, where different events occur during the year, and you have classes you need to attend to on a weekly basis.
At the same time, people around you, and even yourself are finding it difficult to not give in to lewdness.
Sounds like an interesting game. You've got the hogwarts-harry potter theme, which is very appealing and invites the players imagination, and the fetish/lewd stuff/corruption allows for all kinds of fetishes to pop up in the game, giving you great freedom.

I'd suggest you contrast the lewdness by a seperate other goal, though.
You're focusing on corruption and a group of people crossing boundaries from "normal" to erotic and lewd actions, and this corruption seems to play a big role.
A way to emphasize this is to create a default setting that presents the baseline "normality" of the current world. So you start with normal classes, a normal story & normal goals that are relatable. (E.g. you're new to the academy and want to make friends, get good grades & figure out where to go in life.) Then this normal life that you've established slowly begins to corrode and collaps as the chamber is opened and the adventure (and the descent into depravity) begins.
Contrasting lewdness with normality makes the lewd stuff feel a lot more impactful.

You're probably going to have an easier time if you prototype the game first. (e.g. a general location such as the dormitory, a normal location like the classroom and a lewd location like the bathroom.) That way you can design what kind of actions & interaction you want, which can help you outline the minimal scope you need to get a working version. (You could, for example, start with a smaller goal: the characters don't need to solve the mystery of the chamber of fetishes, rather they need to find out why some people are starting to behave oddly and why you and your friends ended up observing "untoward behavior".)

Doing everything on a small scale also helps you identify future problems you might come across so you can solve them early on in your prototype.

it’s not my first game by any means, but usually my scope is more attainable, so I don’t know that I would be able to make it because of the scope. I naught next able to make a month or a week, in a scaled down school. But for now I’m making the character creator because I really feel like it,and because I am having fun with it :)
Yeah, having fun doing it is pretty important, especially when you're not getting payed.

But yeah, a scaled down version where you roughly implement the bare-bones features will help you identify what else you need, and what features you might have to scratch to make it feasible. Wish I'd done that for my project. :LOL:
 

lewdpirate

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Apr 15, 2019
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Thank you so much for putting your time and effort into giving me feedback!

when it comes to the hybridisation of visual novel and RPG, I am really trying to avoid making an actual map of the whole school, and instead have some very standard hallway sprites and some text telling you about what you can do in that location, and then only have actual fleshed out rooms in important places, it would allow me to make the school really big, and hard to navigate, without having to do a ton of art. so places like classrooms, dining hall, common room would be fleshed out, while everything in between would be kept simple.

about the story I really want to capture the same school feel, that Harry Potter does so well, so for the first month or two, you’ll primarily be focused on petty rivalry, bonding with friends and studying.There will be lewdness, but mostly everyone would be able to brush it aside as 18-22 year olds being horny and stupid. And then it gradually moves into main plot time around the third or fourth month. And the parents? Well i don’t want to spoil too much, but you’ve given me a new idea, that might fit the tone better.

about the scope, I was thinking about One of the teachers giving the students an assignment that requires them to do all the stuff that I want the game to be able to do. And then have the player spend a week or a month, depending on how thi NV a turn out :)

again thank you so much, for devoting time to give feedback, it means a lot, I hope you’ll stick around to see how it develops :D
 
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kuraiken

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Thank you so much for putting your time and effort into giving me feedback!
You're welcome, I'm curious to see what you'll cook up. :)

when it comes to the hybridisation of visual novel and RPG, I am really trying to avoid making an actual map of the whole school, and instead have some very standard hallway sprites and some text telling you about what you can do in that location, and then only have actual fleshed out rooms in important places, it would allow me to make the school really big, and hard to navigate, without having to do a ton of art. so places like classrooms, dining hall, common room would be fleshed out, while everything in between would be kept simple.
Sounds good, that should keep the assets more managable.


about the story I really want to capture the same school feel, that Harry Potter does so well, so for the first month or two, you’ll primarily be focused on petty rivalry, bonding with friends and studying.There will be lewdness, but mostly everyone would be able to brush it aside as 18-22 year olds being horny and stupid. And then it gradually moves into main plot time around the third or fourth month. And the parents? Well i don’t want to spoil too much, but you’ve given me a new idea, that might fit the tone better.
If you don't plan on giving it away, that means you must make the game now. :p

about the scope, I was thinking about One of the teachers giving the students an assignment that requires them to do all the stuff that I want the game to be able to do. And then have the player spend a week or a month, depending on how thi NV a turn out :)

again thank you so much, for devoting time to give feedback, it means a lot, I hope you’ll stick around to see how it develops :D
I'm definitely gonna keep an eye out for it. ;)
 
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lewdpirate

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So I've been playing around with writing story for a week one demo for the Athletics Programme, where the player will be trying out for cheerleader.
cheerleader.gif
Here is a bit of the story in the current state, the first class is Mixology, where Professor Slake tasks you with mixing a dietary mixture, to help you keep up with the strict diet of the Athletics Programme.

dietStory.gif

The Gif goes a bit fast so here it is transcribed:

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After consuming the mixture, you'll find out, that it will be virtually impossible for you to eat anything but the contents of the mixture..

Now how could anyone use this fact to completely screw you over.. Hmm ;)
 

kuraiken

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So I've been playing around with writing story for a week one demo for the Athletics Programme, where the player will be trying out for cheerleader.
View attachment 679707
Here is a bit of the story in the current state, the first class is Mixology, where Professor Slake tasks you with mixing a dietary mixture, to help you keep up with the strict diet of the Athletics Programme.
I like the idea, though it sounds like there won't be magic in Autumnhearth? At least from the presentation, it sounds more like an unusual school but not a magical academy?

Slake's face, especially the hair, seems a little off, as if the back-part simply is cut off. From both angles, at least a thin layer of hair should probably cover the right side (our point of view) and the volume of the hair on top doesn't match the physical proportion of the head.

The Gif goes a bit fast so here it is transcribed:

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After consuming the mixture, you'll find out, that it will be virtually impossible for you to eat anything but the contents of the mixture..

Now how could anyone use this fact to completely screw you over.. Hmm ;)
Sounds interesting, though I'd use the dialogue a bit more to convey the personality of Slake.
Is he polite? Or rather sarcastic? Friendly? Indifferent?
Small indicators can give an idea of who someone is.

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In these four pargraphs, there's a lot about Slake, how he views others (especially those not interested in Mixology), what he values & doesn't value, how he sees himself and what he feels about being assigned a class that is made up of students from various backgrounds, etc.
The fact that he doesn't greet people with a "good morning" already tells a lot.
(This version of Slake is obviously very close to the Harry Potter Snape) ;)
 
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lewdpirate

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I like the idea, though it sounds like there won't be magic in Autumnhearth? At least from the presentation, it sounds more like an unusual school but not a magical academy?
There will be magic at Autumnhearth, besides Mixology with prof. Slake, you will have Alteration and Conjuration with Prof. McCummingal and Spellbinding and Enchantment with Prof. Fallick. And more.. The reason I chose to do a demo with Cheerleading tryouts, is that a that provides a few chances for hazing etc.

The game will play very similar no matter which programme you choose, apart from which classes you have to attend, and a few story events. Classes are basically multiple choice, to check if you are paying attention to the lesson (with a bit of agency added here and there for pulling/avoiding various shenanigans).

Slake's face, especially the hair, seems a little off, as if the back-part simply is cut off. From both angles, at least a thin layer of hair should probably cover the right side (our point of view) and the volume of the hair on top doesn't match the physical proportion of the head.
Yeah I think I made his headshape too asymmetric, I found a character design that I really liked and tried to translate that, but I could give it a once over - because it doesn't fit 100% with the style.

Sounds interesting, though I'd use the dialogue a bit more to convey the personality of Slake.
Is he polite? Or rather sarcastic? Friendly? Indifferent?
Small indicators can give an idea of who someone is.
I'll take some inspiration from your example if that is okay? He is indeed supposed to be a Snape Parody, so starting off with good morning was a really silly choice - but I really like to keep the text as short as I can, because I myself tend to skip text when it becomes too overwhelming. But Yeah getting that spiteful sarcastic tone in to the lines would help a lot I think.

Once again, thank you so much for your feedback, it is thoroughly appreciated!
 
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kuraiken

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There will be magic at Autumnhearth, besides Mixology with prof. Slake, you will have Alteration and Conjuration with Prof. McCummingal and Spellbinding and Enchantment with Prof. Fallick. And more.. The reason I chose to do a demo with Cheerleading tryouts, is that a that provides a few chances for hazing etc.

The game will play very similar no matter which programme you choose, apart from which classes you have to attend, and a few story events. Classes are basically multiple choice, to check if you are paying attention to the lesson (with a bit of agency added here and there for pulling/avoiding various shenanigans).
Sounds good, I imagine the magical aspects will give rise to a lot of creative...situations. :D

Yeah I think I made his headshape too asymmetric, I found a character design that I really liked and tried to translate that, but I could give it a once over - because it doesn't fit 100% with the style.
I think it's mainly that the hair on the right side isn't even hinted at. The pixel version in the background almost has it right entirely, but the bust on the left side has a problem with the volume of the hair in the back and the hair on the right side.

Screenshot_65.png

I'll take some inspiration from your example if that is okay? He is indeed supposed to be a Snape Parody, so starting off with good morning was a really silly choice - but I really like to keep the text as short as I can, because I myself tend to skip text when it becomes too overwhelming. But Yeah getting that spiteful sarcastic tone in to the lines would help a lot I think.

Once again, thank you so much for your feedback, it is thoroughly appreciated!
Sure, feel free to.

As for long text: it depends. The question in writing is always about focus. How important is what's being said to the matter at hand? Writing should always exercise brevity, but you still need to express the main points. For Snape, for example, it's that he likes using more elaborate phrases to show of his oratory skill and distinguish himself by presenting himself as intelligent. (Because he's not a fit guy like James Potter, so he takes what he has and makes it his thing)

Generally, you should break up dialogue beats into parts to be clearer in the messaging.
So paragraph 1 that I wrote would be broken up like this:

Slake: Silence, class commences now.

Slake: As this is an introductory lession into the high art of Mixology, those interested in the complex nature of distilling wonders and botteling miracles will have to join me in enduring the company of budding athlethes and other miscreants the questionable wisdom of the curriculum decided to send our way.

Slake: Regardless of the degree to which you lack the necessary talent to brew even the most simplest potion, you will be graded by universal standards that will not bow to any pleas for leniency.

Every one of these message-beats would be seperate, because every one of them aims at a different purpose.
Beat 1: Get the class to be silent, establish your authority.
Beat 2: Frames the situation (introductory lesson) and shows contempt for those who don't think like him, juxtaposing the "high art" and those interested in it with the "miscreants" and clearly showing that he's biased and gives preferential treatment.
Beat 3: Follows the previous sentence by making clear that while the class is mixed, he will not respect that in his grading & other treatment, giving you the idea that he's a serious and harsh teacher.

I've changed it up, I would really love some feedback on it :D

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There are a couple places where the writing is a bit off.
Writing is a lot about focus & purpose. What do you say & why.
Words are chosen because they suit a certain purpose, and otherwise left out.

"As this is an introductory lesson into the delicate art of Mixology, those of you, gifted with intellect and interest, have to suffer along with me, as we today are joined by the ball-tossing buffoons from the Athletes Programme."

A couple of errors, especially the grammar is unusual:
---
"As this is an introductory lesson into the delicate art of Mixology, those of you gifted with intellect and interest will have to suffer alongside me as we are joined today by the ball-tossing buffoons from the Athlete Program."

"Intellect and interest" is an odd phrase to use with gifted, because while intellect can be gifted, interest can't really. And the question would arise, what kind of intellect, what kind of interest, what kind of talent?
So the talent needs to be described, and the next question is, how would Slake describe it?

"those of you gifted with the rare talent for the most subtle of arts" is more accurate in what he intends to focus on, and displays his attitude of what he thinks of the subject he's teaching.
---
" I have been given the pitiful task of teaching you to brew a simple dietary mixture. This Mixture will not burn away your skin, or set your hair ablaze, so I have hope that some of you will not botch this simple mixture."

The word pitiful doesn't quite fit, that's a part where one wouldn't use an adjective. The second sentence has a wrong buildup.
It will not burn away your skin, it won't set your hair ablaze so you...will not botch the mixture?
What you build up to should align with what you use for the buildup.
e.g.
Variant 1:
This mixture will not burn away your skin or set your hair ablaze, so I dare hope we may finish the first class this term without a casulty.

Variant 2:
To say the recipe is unchallenging is a mild understatement, in fact even a drunken house-gnome could master it in less than an hour, so perhaps we shall see at least some of you succeed.

Physical danger or lack thereof leading to not botching up the task is a wrong escalation.

---
"To your luck, even the most sloppily brewn mixture retains some effect, the duration of which is greatly determined by your skill, and as such, our future broom-ball players and cheerleaders shall consume their own mixtures."

"To your luck" sounds odd, better just use "To your good fortune", or "Fortunately for you"?
The sentence also has a disconnect.

"To your luck, even the most sloppily brewn mixture retains some effect, the duration of which is greatly determined by your skill"
means: You're lucky this is easy. Even if you're sloppy the potion will have an effect. Better performance, however, yields better results.

But then comes the second sentence:
"and as such, our future broom-ball players and cheerleaders shall consume their own mixtures."
And as such implies a causation. That sentence part A causes B. But that's not the case. The athletes don't have to drink their potions because the potions are so easy to do. The second part of the sentence is unrelated to the first one.

"To your good fortune, even the most sloppily brewn mixture retains some effect, the duration of which is greatly determined by your skill. Our broom-ball players and cheerleaders may consider themselves particularly lucky, since they are required to consume their own mixtures."

The general rule I teach in writing is: one sentence, one idea. You cannot have more than an idea in one sentence. If you attempt to do so, the ideas will merge and form a new idea.
That's why "this potion is easy" and "and as a result you'll have to drink it" becomes a strange idea that doesn't make sense.

---
"For a passing grade, the effects of your mixture must last at least one week."
must last for at least one week is better.

---
"Medical students, this mixture is so simple a bogtroll should excel at brewing one, and as such you are guaranteed a passing grade. You are under no obligation to consume your potions, but you cannot receive highest marks, unless you do."
Not sure why you added this part. Since the player isn't one of the medical students (I assume) this doesn't relate to the player, so none of this is relevant and should be scrapped entirely. (Which also results in keeping things short)

---
"Take note, as I will not be repeating myself.

Mix in your bowl:
11 finely chopped slices of Dindle Leek.
7 drams of ground Leynut scrapings.
1 ounce of diced Nellroot.
Bring 1 Quart of water to a boil.
Empty the contents of you bowl into the boiling water and kill the flame.
Once the temperature is below 140 degrees, empty your vial of diet essence into your mix.
Let rest for 10 minutes, before bringing the mix back to a boil, until the Nellroot has disolved."

I wouldn't put that into dialogue. I'd use an image to display it over the chalkboard instead. If you're trying to make the task be the correct selection of the actions, I'd preface that with a short explanation ingame (tutorial screen). Otherwise players won't expect that you're asking them to recall the correct instructions and they're likely to just skip past them.

---
"Ingredients can be found in the cupboard up the stairs to your left, Medical students will go first. Once all Medical students has returned, the rest of you may go to the cupboard."

Is that one of the scenes where players have to manually move around & collect items? Because unless you have direct interaction that makes this information relevant, I'd skip it.


Overall it gets the job done, but it feels a bit clumsy at times. Think of every sentence as a razor. You want to hone it as sharp as possible. It should convey only what is necessary and it should be used with focus & purpose in mind.

If you're planning on writing scenes outside of the game first, try to find a format with which to capture all the necessary information you'll later need for the implementation.

An example of the game I'm working on:
An outline for the buildup leading to the scene.
1.png

The second page shows some of the dialogue writing.
2.png
The goal is to have an overview that already gives me a very good idea of how I'll have to script the scene, when & what pictures are displayed, who talks and in what way.

So you could split Slake's statements into the message pieces as they will be displayed, you could register when Slake might change his bust to further emphasize a transition (for example a topic transition), such as raising his wand for attention when calling for silence, or a a contemptuous frown when regarding the athletes assigned to his class. Using shifts like that helps communicate to the player when the scene's focus is shifting and allows you better control at directing the scene.
 
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Saki_Sliz

Well-Known Member
May 3, 2018
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I'm no writer, just an artist, programmer, and hopefully in a week a graduating student, so I haven't been able to give much feedback to you guys, but it's really cool to see you guys get excited and go into detail.
 
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lewdpirate

Newbie
Apr 15, 2019
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I really appreciate all the great feedback! I’ll have to take a closer look later on. But suffice to say I am neither a writer, nor is English my first language, so at some point I should probably work with a native English speaking writer :)

from what I read by just quickly looking through the feedback, I completely agree with the points I read, as I said I’ll give it a proper read later, but thank you so much for taking your time!


I'm no writer, just an artist, programmer, and hopefully in a week a graduating student, so I haven't been able to give much feedback to you guys, but it's really cool to see you guys get excited and go into detail.
I am happy that you enjoy what I am posting :) it will be a little while before the next build update will be out, because I want to get the planning for the week1 demo, done so I’m glad that these kinds of updates are still interesting :D
 

kuraiken

Member
Dec 5, 2017
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I really appreciate all the great feedback! I’ll have to take a closer look later on. But suffice to say I am neither a writer, nor is English my first language, so at some point I should probably work with a native English speaking writer :)

from what I read by just quickly looking through the feedback, I completely agree with the points I read, as I said I’ll give it a proper read later, but thank you so much for taking your time!
You can hire a writer, though it depends how important story & dialogue are in your game. If you prefer to keep it light and focus gameplay on other aspects, a proofreader who helps you avoid small mistakes should be enough.

Also don't let my critique discourage you. The standard I've applied for the writing advice is a professional level standard. Most indie devs don't write on that level and still produce games that gain a large fanbase. In fact, you'll find a lot of games start with weak writing that gradually improves as the writer learns what works and what doesn't. ;)