Unity Student of Autumnhearth - Character Creator

[lewdpirate]

I've read your comments now, and this is really good feedback, I've written before, but people tend to hold back when giving feedback, and it kinda stifles my development, so your feedback is in no way discouraging, quite the opposite. I hope to become a better writer as time progress.. I feel fairly confident with plot and story structure, but dialogue has always been difficult for me.

The "Dietary Mixture" lesson is basically a framing device for letting the jock type bully, smash your vial and replace it with something else, basically forcing you to consume only that something. Creating the framework for that to happen, has been my main objective. For the plot to unfold I need to make sure, that the bully has time to excuse himself, to get that something (while medical students are gathering ingredients), and that the player has a bump-in with the bully (outside of Slake's prying eyes).. But some of the text I can definitely cut.

As for the recipe. I want the players to pay attention during "story lessons" but maybe it's too harsh.. I'm considering letting the player look at the blackboard during the lesson, and let them know, that Slake will detract from their grade if they keep looking too many times.

 

[kuraiken]

I've read your comments now, and this is really good feedback, I've written before, but people tend to hold back when giving feedback, and it kinda stifles my development, so your feedback is in no way discouraging, quite the opposite. I hope to become a better writer as time progress.. I feel fairly confident with plot and story structure, but dialogue has always been difficult for me.

Glad you found it helpful.

Dialogue writing can be challenging initially, because you often think of "how do I best tell the reader the things they should know?" But that's not the right approach.
Good dialogue is never about telling information, but about conveying information through the dynamics. The content can often be secondary.
Dialogue is less descriptive and more like an action scene. It's about what characters do.

If you want to pick up some great advice on dialogue writing, I can only recommend "How to Write Dazzling Dialogue: The Fastest Way to Improve Any Manuscript" by James Scott Bell. It's pretty short (138 pages), very cheap on kindle, and contains a lot of great advice.

The "Dietary Mixture" lesson is basically a framing device for letting the jock type bully, smash your vial and replace it with something else, basically forcing you to consume only that something. Creating the framework for that to happen, has been my main objective. For the plot to unfold I need to make sure, that the bully has time to excuse himself, to get that something (while medical students are gathering ingredients), and that the player has a bump-in with the bully (outside of Slake's prying eyes).. But some of the text I can definitely cut.

As for the recipe. I want the players to pay attention during "story lessons" but maybe it's too harsh.. I'm considering letting the player look at the blackboard during the lesson, and let them know, that Slake will detract from their grade if they keep looking too many times.

Sounds interesting, it gets you to the action relatively quickly.
For the first build, that's absolutely okay, perhaps even preferably, since it gives you a quick testing ground for how you want to design the elements of the game.
(In the actual game, I'd suggest a bit of buildup that ensures you've come across the bully before and have an impression of the character before he/she turns against you. That provides a frame of reference for the character's actions, rather than them seemingly coming out of nowhere.)

As for the mechanics of it, so long as you brief a player with a tutorial message, there's no problem.

E.g.

"During class you will occasionally find yourself tasked with an assignment. Play close attention to the instructions to achieve a good great." (Followed by the gameplay reasons of why getting a good grade is desireable for the player, e.g. getting access to new areas by becoming prefect etc.)

 

[lewdpirate]

If you want to pick up some great advice on dialogue writing, I can only recommend "How to Write Dazzling Dialogue: The Fastest Way to Improve Any Manuscript" by James Scott Bell. It's pretty short (138 pages), very cheap on kindle, and contains a lot of great advice.

I'll consider it, it being short is definitely a plus, although I don't own a kindle I'm sure it's available on other digital media.

Sounds interesting, it gets you to the action relatively quickly.
For the first build, that's absolutely okay, perhaps even preferably, since it gives you a quick testing ground for how you want to design the elements of the game.
(In the actual game, I'd suggest a bit of buildup that ensures you've come across the bully before and have an impression of the character before he/she turns against you. That provides a frame of reference for the character's actions, rather than them seemingly coming out of nowhere.)

Yes, as I mentioned previously I want to build up slow, and the events that I am currently writing is definitely in the end-game area, with really cruel blackmail and depraved requests. But I am also going to include a more starting-game lewd "storyline" with cheerleading tryouts/hazing, and mean-girl type humiliation. The Demo is going to have both ends of the spectrum I will try to write for, so as you pointed out, this particular storyline would be a late game event.

As for the mechanics of it, so long as you brief a player with a tutorial message, there's no problem.

I can maybe try both ways of doing it, once I have something for people to test

 

[kuraiken]

I'll consider it, it being short is definitely a plus, although I don't own a kindle I'm sure it's available on other digital media.

It says on kindle, but you can download a kindle viewer app on the computer for free which allows you to read kindle books you bought on the pc.

In addition, you can use the calibre program (

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) to take a kindle file and change it into any format you wish to change it into, including epub and pdf.

Yes, as I mentioned previously I want to build up slow, and the events that I am currently writing is definitely in the end-game area, with really cruel blackmail and depraved requests. But I am also going to include a more starting-game lewd "storyline" with cheerleading tryouts/hazing, and mean-girl type humiliation. The Demo is going to have both ends of the spectrum I will try to write for, so as you pointed out, this particular storyline would be a late game event.

Sounds great.

I can maybe try both ways of doing it, once I have something for people to test

Sure, once you've got something to test, you can see if you can get some feedback in general, and on how to best communicate mechanics in particular.

 

[lewdpirate]

So I’ve been writing lewd events, but I am stuck at part 11 of 19 For two reasons, I want to escalate the lewdness level and I want the bully to use a spell.

prior to that the mc was tricked into wearing a bracelet, that made arousal turn to orgasm,which makes mc’s life very difficult. But in order for him to want to take it off, He‘ll need another method of control, which is where the spell comes in. I‘m trying to come up with a spell that isn’t directly lewd, but could put mc in a situation where the bully can use it as leverage to get her deeper into to his blackmail scheme. And I need ideas! Please if you have any ideas i’d love to hear them! Also more art is coming as soon as it is done

 

[kuraiken]

So I’ve been writing lewd events, but I am stuck at part 11 of 19 For two reasons, I want to escalate the lewdness level and I want the bully to use a spell.

prior to that the mc was tricked into wearing a bracelet, that made arousal turn to orgasm,which makes mc’s life very difficult. But in order for him to want to take it off, He‘ll need another method of control, which is where the spell comes in. I‘m trying to come up with a spell that isn’t directly lewd, but could put mc in a situation where the bully can use it as leverage to get her deeper into to his blackmail scheme. And I need ideas! Please if you have any ideas i’d love to hear them! Also more art is coming as soon as it is done

Not entirely sure what you're looking for. Are you looking for a spell that replaces the others, or just a spell that can be used to further bully the mc?

In the latter case, you could use a medical spell, say "Emota confite!" ("confess your feelings!"), which is used to compell people who are physically or emotionally injured but unwilling to tell the doctor about them. (So, for instance, someone whose legs are injured would confess that he's feeling a wrenching pain in his legs)

Using that spell on a normal person in a particular situation, however, could lead to public relevations that a person would rather have kept to themselves.

 

[lewdpirate]

The setup goes something like this:
Bully: I bet that bracelet is making your life pretty difficult.

MC: you think?

B: I actually have something you can help me with, for real. It’s nothing sexual, I’m just totally struggling with this spell, and no one is willing to let me practice on them, so if I can practice on you; I’ll totally let you off the hook.

bully tells about the spell, and it’s really not sexual, but if the player agrees, turns out that the effect can be leveraged against her somehow. Initially I was thinking some kind of command/hypnosis spell, but I don’t see how the mc would agree to that, A truth spell could possibly work, if the bully asked the right question, and maybe even recorded it.

 

[lewdpirate]

Actually Thinking about it, the truth spell would be perfect!

 

[kuraiken]

The setup goes something like this:
Bully: I bet that bracelet is making your life pretty difficult.

MC: you think?

B: I actually have something you can help me with, for real. It’s nothing sexual, I’m just totally struggling with this spell, and no one is willing to let me practice on them, so if I can practice on you; I’ll totally let you off the hook.

bully tells about the spell, and it’s really not sexual, but if the player agrees, turns out that the effect can be leveraged against her somehow. Initially I was thinking some kind of command/hypnosis spell, but I don’t see how the mc would agree to that, A truth spell could possibly work, if the bully asked the right question, and maybe even recorded it.

You could actually fuse both:
have the bracelet get the mc into an arousing situation, then let the bully use the spell to ensure public humiliation or similar stuff.

From a conceptual point of view, the interesting thing about the spell is that it reveals what a character feels at a certain moment in time, even when those feelings are unwanted, or something they'd rather keep secret. This also includes what they subconsciously feel and might not actually know they're feeling.

 

[lewdpirate]

What I think I’m gonna do is; he’ll use an interrogation spell, the only legal truth spell. It’s legal because a target can refuse to answer a question, but he will ask a question about something that occurred earlier, which will cause the bracelet to activate when the mc thinks about it, he tells her, that if she answers he’ll remove the bracelet, while he is recording the whole thing.

 

[kuraiken]

What I think I’m gonna do is; he’ll use an interrogation spell, the only legal truth spell. It’s legal because a target can refuse to answer a question, but he will ask a question about something that occurred earlier, which will cause the bracelet to activate when the mc thinks about it, he tells her, that if she answers he’ll remove the bracelet, while he is recording the whole thing.

Sounds interesting.

 

[lewdpirate]

Really quick update, Most of the Bully Blackmail event, has the MC on her knees. After consuming a dietary mixture with a single unexpected ingredient, she finds herself getting deeper and deeper into the bully's depraved plans.

I'm not too happy with her hand placement, but I tried a few different ones, and this was the least awkward.. Although after posting I think I need to make the arm, and the shin a bit longer.

 

[kuraiken]

Really quick update, Most of the Bully Blackmail event, has the MC on her knees. After consuming a dietary mixture with a single unexpected ingredient, she finds herself getting deeper and deeper into the bully's depraved plans.
View attachment 687454
I'm not too happy with her hand placement, but I tried a few different ones, and this was the least awkward.. Although after posting I think I need to make the arm, and the shin a bit longer.

Yeah, the shins and arms look a bit odd. The arms would go much further down.
In addition, the transition of arm to hand looks odd. There's usually a much clearer transition at the point of the wrist.

Not sure, but maybe this might help? You can use either to pose a character and see the proportions and length relations.

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Other than that it looks promising!

 

[lewdpirate]

I’ll see what I can do about the wrists, I just want to stick relatively close to my source material.


I am using this model as a reference, since this is the game it’s based on, but I did the arm and shin without looking at the pose, which clearly was a mistake.
But yeah I’ll try not to make the same mistake again

 

[SerokMinmas]

I loved the art man, thats great!

 

[lewdpirate]

Sooo.. Something slightly different, Welcome to Prof. Slake's classroom.

This will be one of the locations you can move around in, speak with students etc. (In the top right corner, the MC has dropped her ingredients, this will likely not bode well for her.)

The door on the right leads to the supply room and Slake's personal Quarters, while the other door leads back to the school.
I am still trying to figure out how many students should be in the class, 10 might be a little too few, but it's relatively quick doing the level with the tilesheet I've made.

My current plan is to start with the location, make sure my core systems are working.. I may jump back on the character creator, but I'm thinking I'll get a small demo of this out, before I do.

I loved the art man, thats great!

Thank you so much! I hope you'll stick around as I develop this thing

 

[kuraiken]

Sooo.. Something slightly different, Welcome to Prof. Slake's classroom.

View attachment 688680 This will be one of the locations you can move around in, speak with students etc. (In the top right corner, the MC has dropped her ingredients, this will likely not bode well for her.)

The door on the right leads to the supply room and Slake's personal Quarters, while the other door leads back to the school.
I am still trying to figure out how many students should be in the class, 10 might be a little too few, but it's relatively quick doing the level with the tilesheet I've made.

My current plan is to start with the location, make sure my core systems are working.. I may jump back on the character creator, but I'm thinking I'll get a small demo of this out, before I do.



Thank you so much! I hope you'll stick around as I develop this thing

Looks promising!
Given the fact that the locations aren't going to be numerous, you should start with small numbers and scale it up if necessary. It's probably a good idea to stay under 20 students, so 10 per class might be more than enough.

 

[lewdpirate]

Looks promising!
Given the fact that the locations aren't going to be numerous, you should start with small numbers and scale it up if necessary. It's probably a good idea to stay under 20 students, so 10 per class might be more than enough.

the way I can keep it around 10, is if it is only students from your own fellowship, and the Bully’s fellowship. Then maybe it would make sense with 1-2 cheerleaders and 3-4 broomball players and athletes in each fellowship per year.

Currently broomball is played by 9 players, and I think 5-7 cheerleaders should be enough per fellowship.. Soo yeah it might work if it is only 2 fellowships in the class, and if I cut the medical students, which I’ve been thinking about doing anyway tbh.

It’s nice having someone to bounce thoughts off of, thank you for that

 

[lewdpirate]

I decided to change the style of dialogue portraits.


Abby is traced from a still of the model this time, I think I may need to do something about the hair, it look very plastic-like atm. But now I have a base for expressions

 

[kuraiken]

the way I can keep it around 10, is if it is only students from your own fellowship, and the Bully’s fellowship. Then maybe it would make sense with 1-2 cheerleaders and 3-4 broomball players and athletes in each fellowship per year.

Currently broomball is played by 9 players, and I think 5-7 cheerleaders should be enough per fellowship.. Soo yeah it might work if it is only 2 fellowships in the class, and if I cut the medical students, which I’ve been thinking about doing anyway tbh.

It’s nice having someone to bounce thoughts off of, thank you for that

I'd suggest you start with smaller teams & smaller sizes for everything. Let some people just be nonexistent background characters who only appear when needed.
Otherwise, if you try to cover everyone who's in the school with a sprite, you'll end up with about 20x4x7 sprites (560 students).

You can add people later on if you feel the need, but if you try to make everyone a full character, that's an immense amount of work that won't much contribute to the actual game.

I like the new portraits. Slake's head still could need some rounding at the back, and the lighting of the mc's hair could use some small adjustments, but other than that it looks good.