...I was literally refreshing the page, but then I went to bed and missed the update by eight hours. I didn't realize you did too,
Oblivion9873...
-Okay, so the Demo is wigging the fuck out. It can't load the animated squeezer pictures and takes like ten minutes to load, so REALLY go get the main version, someone might've fucked up. I'll get the changelog in a second, it'll just... take a bit longer then I thought...
-Uh, update, they pulled the trial version. Someone FUCKED UP. Doesn't seem to be the main version though, save us, Oblivion!
-Trial's back. Someone is getting chewed out right now, I just know it.
Changelog:
New Squeezer, Heavenly Succubus. Her abilities are as follows.
Seal value: 6
1: Anal Penetration Attribute; Squeeze 2 Generate 1, Unseal 1. When Unsealed, disable the casting of all 'Miracle' cards until the end of your next turn. As predicted, except it unseals 1, so now she doesn't have to spam her 2 to unseal. There's another thing you'll notice, and we'll get to that...
2: Anal/Hand Attribute, I think; Squeeze 2 Unseal 2 Faith 1. When unsealed, deal 2 extra damage and summon 'Anal Slave Crest' to the target's side of the field. ...You see it too, don't you?
Anal Slave Crest: You cannot block Anal-Attribute attacks, and when taking one, increase the cost of all non-squeezer cards in your hand by 1. And THERE it is! ...She's not Penetration-Attribute, she's Anal attribue, something I used interchangeably because... of course I did! It didn't matter, nothing interacted with either Penetration or Anal Attributes and they were too similar to tell! Long day ahead, yippee...
3: Big-Breasts attribute; Squeeze 2, summon 'Grand Angelic Soldier' to your side of the field. When sealed, inflict 'Bondage 1' to this squeezer. Nothing interesting here, unchanged. Didn't even get unsealing.
Grand Angelic Soldier: 1/1, Mirage, Angelic Disaster. When summoned, add ATK/LIFE to this card equal to the 'Faith' value of all cards on your field. So, just on summon, not when playing Disasters. Not as bonkers as we thought, but still strong Token generation.
THIRTEEN brand-new cards. Ambitious, isn't it?
SR Ticket: Anal; 1-cost Strategy. It's an SR ticket specifically for Anal Squeezers. I'm going to need to take a closer look at everyone to see who this actually applies to, but Nun and Angel definitely.
Reset: 2-cost Spell. Target one Minion, Stationary, or Squeezer card; reset all values of the card to their original state. So, Return to your Maker, but doesn't bounce them. I... guess you could use it on friendly Minions to heal them?
The Anti-Circle gang; six 3-cost Stationary Creations, one of each Attribute except Penetration, that reduce incoming damage from that attribute by 1 if it was 2 or more. I guess you can take a couple of your deck's Primary attribute as a self-defense card if running Big Breasts or Demons. I think they're okay, I guess? What am I going to do with them, though...
Dream Drop (Distance): 1/1 3-cost Disaster Incubus Minion. When a Squeezer is summoned to your side of the field while this minion is on your field, summon
the Dreaming Incubus another Dream Drop and give it 'Mirage.' So, a tiny little 1/1 slime that summons
ABSOLUTE GOD OF HYPERDEATH tokens more of itself frequently.
FUN basically a costlier, more controllable Multiplying Slime.
Definitely going to be the preferred way of summoning the big guy, speaking of which, I should do him now, even if it's out of order.
Dreaming Incubus: 7-cost 1/1 Disaster Incubus Minion. When summoned, gain ATK/LIFE equal to all squeezers on your side of the field. When a squeezer is summoned to your side of the field, this card gains +1 ATK/LIFE and all enemy minions lose -1 ATK/LIFE. Scary,
and will never be put in a fucking deck ever, just use the little guy, Incubus decks already want to summon Squeezers like mad, it's literally their game plan. A proper Boss for the Incubus Archetype, with the price tag to match. That much firepower is probably overkill, especially for its cost. oH, bUt MoNsTeR rEbOrN, tHoUgH!
Angelic Illusionist: 3/3 4-cost Angelic Disaster Minion. It has an activated ability: Generate Mana equivalent to the 'Faith' value of all squeezers on your side of the field. FEAR. VERY FEAR. EXTREME FEAR.
Logical Deletion: 5-cost Spell. Select one card on YOUR field or in YOUR hand, turn it face up if set or in your hand. If it's not a squeezer, banish it. Okay but why though. For 6-cost, you get Crushing Demon, that leaves his 6/6 booty on the field. Five cost for this!?
Angelic Messenger: 2/2 5-cost Angelic Disaster Minion. When summoned, summon 'Cherub' tokens (1/1 with Mirage) equivalent to the 'Faith' value of all cards on the field. Wow, after Illusionist, that's a pretty big letdown. Free tokens, I guess?
Some Miracle card effects are now 'Intrinsic' and thus can't be blocked by the Miracle lock. They are as follows:
Strict Instruction, Purity Field, Reinforcement, and Ascension. Not as strict as I thought.
-On closer inspection, a metric shit-ton of cards got these, not just Miracles. Future proofing, eh? ...It forces me to fucking retranslate them because of how it was implemented, Gaaah!
All the SR Tickets now allow you to pick the Squeezer from your deck instead of choosing randomly. Yay, I guess?
Lust Mark is now 3-cost instead of 4. But why, though?
All Squeezers will now start with Big Breasts if given them in the main menu. Nice.
That bug with Burn the Contracts where it didn't properly reassign Pursuit values when Pressed until someone's Hypnophone breaks has been fixed. Okay!? I practically thought it was a feature at this point.
Some shenanigans with the Mechanical Fleshlights, I don't care and neither should you.
...I'm going to be so, so fucking busy, oh my god...
