Still Alive, Still Making Unraveling August, Still Sorry (tm)
New
Just now
Hey guys,
I just wanted to say something since I've been quiet for a bit (see: not checking social media for my own mental health.) As always, I am sorry for my slowness. Honestly, I was afraid to post this since it's not a release and I fear disappointing the people waiting on me anymore than I already have. The shame builds and builds until even opening Patreon makes me nauseous, but the longer I wait, the harder it gets. Hell, I'm sweating balls typing this right now. Hands clammy, heart racing--the whole shebang.
I've talked about my issues with perfection and whatnot in the past, so I won't bore you with the same old spiel about how I get caught up in my own head and put way too much pressure on myself. Instead, I'll say that I've found taking a step back from it all to be a breathe of fresh air. For the first time in awhile, I've started looking at the game, and if I'm being honest, life itself as something to look forward to instead of something to dread.
Perhaps these are things I've said before. I'm sure I meant them then too. Digging myself out of a mental health deficit--one that's been building my entire life, not just since I began UA--has been a long and difficult journey. It truly sucks that my ability to make the game you guys enjoy is directly linked my ability to function as a human. However, I feel deeply that if I don't enjoy the process of making the game, there's pretty much zero chance that anyone is going to enjoy playing it.
I've been sitting on a near-completed script for 0.4 for awhile. A big thank you to my anonymous helper for their wonderful and invaluable assistance in that (I'm sorry if I failed to live up to your expectations.) You're free to talk about it, of course. This is just my attempt to respect your privacy.
That being said, I'm not sure the script as-is reflects the game I want to make. I'm not even sure I could tell you why right now, but it's something I need to confront before I send it out into the world, even if it ends up being nearly identical in the end.
I recognize that it's abnormal to take this long. Some may think I'm probably just sitting back and collecting Patreon money, and I'm sure these words won't go a long way to appeasing anyone who believes that, but the truth is not a day goes by where I'm not working on UA or at the very least thinking I
should be working on it (see: self-flagellation.)
You might ask why I spend so much time agonizing over something that just ain't that serious, and for that my only (lame) answer would be... I'm neurotic, neuro-divergent, and highly practiced at making things far more difficult than they need to be. If I could flip a switch and be a different person, I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with me.
For those endlessly optimistic people who are still supporting me, I appreciate you all more than you know. Like many Americans, I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck, and your donations have helped me muddle through. I can't thank you enough. Anyone who's messaged me with well-wishes, I apologize if I haven't responded to you. I appreciate all of the kind words.
While the tone of this message seem morose or uncomfortably self-recriminating, that's because I'm ashamed I had to make it in the first place. In general, I'm doing a lot better. Learning to accept my shortcomings, that my negative self-image isn't necessarily reality, and hardest of all, how to forgive myself.
You can take my word for that, but it's not necessary. I'm fully aware that the thing people want from me isn't more excuses but for me to release the damn game already. I, myself, won't be satisfied until I can look at the completed thing and say:
Yeah, I made that. And I'm committed to making that happen, even if just to prove to myself that I can.
That being said, I'm terrified of not living up to any promises I make about releases. So for now, I'll just say... yeah. My bad. I'm workin' on it.
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