VN Ren'Py Abandoned Vengeance [Ch.3] [Nikois]

[macadam]

No, your Mom is your aunt's daughter, by your maternal grandfather, of course.

lol how can he be her daughter if its the aunt... ?
if she is aunt, that mean she is sister with her. and they (i suppose) are pretty close in age.

its based on MC, not on mother. and soo MC have mother and aunt etc..

if grandpa fuck the MC's mother sister, then its not only incest, but its completly wrong in all sens if she after that, give birth to MC's mother... wtf XD

 

[Nikois]

It's fine to not be good with English ... but if it shows enough to be commented on in just a paragraph of description, it is extremely likely that it will affect the perceived quality of the game and storyline.

To be honest with you (because only honest feedback is useful feedback) the description totally put me off the game.


Think about how likely it is for most English-speaking people to somehow end up in a Shaolin monastery and you come across the first issue. This has already stretched credulity and the suspension of disbelief that storytelling needs.

Now, if you'd perhaps suggested right there that he's returned from a martial arts academy owned by some distant relative, or some business partner of his family, then just maybe it would be a bit less of a stretch. If that's too hard to explain in an introductory paragraph then just leave it out completely and simply say that the protagonist has come home from overseas and leave the game to explain it better.

Remember, when in a narrative you say "Your homeland" to a reader, they will think of their actual homeland, whether that's Uptown New York City, or some quiet village in England, or some Farmhouse in the South of France, etc. It's often better to actually pick a location for the game, as you then have people on the same page, rather than picturing all different types of places.

Anyway, next we learn that some friend of your mother has had her husband and child killed by the people who also killed your own parents. And then immediately after we're told that actually maybe they aren't dead at all (in other words, they definitely aren't)...

It just feels from that that this game is going to have a disjointed storyline that makes no sense and everything is going to be explained (or not) as just "because reasons" without any sense.

Why would a Shaolin Monastery accept the child you were when presumably you couldn't even speak the language, let alone have the understanding of their culture and society to fit in and not upset and interfere with the studies and learning of all other students, most of whom have families pay for them to go there as it is considered an honor?

When writing stories, always, always, stick to what you know. If something outside your knowledge is absolutely needed, research it, thoroughly. It will always make a better story.

Thank you for your review, It will definitely help my game.
I mentioned Shaolin Monastery because it is important for the story. it will be mentioned in future for some stuff. I will update the intro once I render some images for chapter 1. I will rewrite the description though.

 

[BubaJ]

Well its because of that sundress I guess.

oh, I love sundresses

 

[Ignatz]

I actually laughed out loud for that crazy smell comment/end game scenario. The mom model attracted me, since she's a fave of mine from WTHI.

But...the English translation can use a major upgrade, both in grammar and spelling, and the story itself needs some editing to make sure it stays internally consistent.

The art is fine, although there are too many scenes that are just too dark to be enjoyable.

The above two distract mightily from the story, so it's tough to get a read on the game so early. I do agree that, while it's good to review constructive feedback, it's also very important you make the game you want to, not the one others will tell you to.

Although, if you're just out to make some money, it's basically incest and violence, so you should be on the right path!

 

[Nikois]

I actually laughed out loud for that crazy smell comment/end game scenario. The mom model attracted me, since she's a fave of mine from WTHI.

But...the English translation can use a major upgrade, both in grammar and spelling, and the story itself needs some editing to make sure it stays internally consistent.

The art is fine, although there are too many scenes that are just too dark to be enjoyable.

The above two distract mightily from the story, so it's tough to get a read on the game so early. I do agree that, while it's good to review constructive feedback, it's also very important you make the game you want to, not the one others will tell you to.

Although, if you're just out to make some money, it's basically incest and violence, so you should be on the right path!

To be honest, Its not only about making money and paying loans, This whole game will be based on my novel which I wanted to right, that is why it will be 2+ seasons long. Its just that I added some naughty stuff to it .
I do know that Intro was not a proper intro but once I get a pc I will add more images to the intro to make it better for new comers + with good English.

 

[zeph19]

I'd like to leave my feedback too.

The renders look very good, Kendra is hot as hell. When you take a few steps back and look at the story, it's a nice premise and something I'm sure I could enjoy.

The English is not that bad. You get your points across, but the way you express things makes you seem VERY young. "Cya", "dafuq", "this shit, that shit" disengages me from whatever is happening, in a bad way. Maybe take a look at some of the other games on here. Dreams of Desire is very story-driven and I can't remember it pulling me out of the story.

Also, as was mentioned before, some things don't really make much sense yet. I think the Shaolin Monastery isn't as bad and will find an acceptable explanation. But when Kendra greets the main character, she immediately pretty much tells him that everybody is dead and leaves it at that. Only to tell him 10 mins later that 2 of them are still alive.
Same goes for the main character telling himself not to think of her in a sexual way, then 2 mins later "fuck it I'm gonna fuck her." Kendra tells him not to take revenge, 10 mins later they agree to both go out and do it together.

I'm sure these are all things you can work on though. Work on a road map for your story, ask a friend for feedback.

I'd like to see you continue!

 

[PeggyBlackett]

Was going to say exactly the same thing
Also, it seems a bit "Iron Fist", let's hope the MC is less of a drip than Danny Rand.

Is that the TV Danny Rand or the original comic Danny Rand?

 

[Nikois]

I'd like to leave my feedback too.

The renders look very good, Kendra is hot as hell. When you take a few steps back and look at the story, it's a nice premise and something I'm sure I could enjoy.

The English is not that bad. You get your points across, but the way you express things makes you seem VERY young. "Cya", "dafuq", "this shit, that shit" disengages me from whatever is happening, in a bad way. Maybe take a look at some of the other games on here. Dreams of Desire is very story-driven and I can't remember it pulling me out of the story.

Also, as was mentioned before, some things don't really make much sense yet. I think the Shaolin Monastery isn't as bad and will find an acceptable explanation. But when Kendra greets the main character, she immediately pretty much tells him that everybody is dead and leaves it at that. Only to tell him 10 mins later that 2 of them are still alive.
Same goes for the main character telling himself not to think of her in a sexual way, then 2 mins later "fuck it I'm gonna fuck her." Kendra tells him not to take revenge, 10 mins later they agree to both go out and do it together.

I'm sure these are all things you can work on though. Work on a road map for your story, ask a friend for feedback.

I'd like to see you continue!

I know people are confused with Shaolin stuff and that confusion was i think caused because of my english. I knew people will get confused, so I already have a plan for it, 1 Flashback chapter which will be introduced after 5th or 7th chapter. Thank you for your review, It will help a lot

 

[ThunderRob]

if you want to go north american english..she's just referred to by her first name or Mrs/Miss/Ms XXXX...depending on the level of respect expected....no aunt auntie etc...in Britain...also by her first name or Mrs/Miss XXXX also acceptable depending on closeness..Mum or Luv...or if you have extreme issues with her..Cunt..HAHAAA!!!...sorry..i have ALOT of british friends
PS:"cunt" is not gender specific..it has a wide variety of uses...LOL

 

[matrixita]

Congratulation

 

[Nikois]

@nikois any chance to get an android version?

Its out for android now.

 

[elirubee]

Mrs. Turner with short hair. Renders are looking pretty good.

 

[Darthreign]

Its out for android now.

Really nice ! I'll try it !

 

[Truckstopcowboy]

Interesting story, definitely be waiting for updates. That ending tho lmao

 

[RogueKnightUK]

Thank you for your review, It will definitely help my game.
I mentioned Shaolin Monastery because it is important for the story. it will be mentioned in future for some stuff. I will update the intro once I render some images for chapter 1. I will rewrite the description though.

I'm just worried that you may be setting yourself up for a ton of extra work and risk, in that the Shaolin Monastery is a singular entity (there's only one actual monastery in the entire world, and it is as iconic and as rich in its traditions as any palace or seat of government). Setting it as a background means you have to then get details right about it's architecture and layout, you need to know enough about Chen Buddhism and Shaolin disciplines to not make really bad immersion-breaking errors.

Don't get me wrong, doing extensive research to get the details right is something many if not all writers have to do sometimes, but it is a lot of extra work on top of all the work of writing, translating and rendering you already have.

Using a more generic and fictional Martial Arts school, or MMA training academy or something gives you a lot more freedom and creative license.

 

[Nikois]

I'm just worried that you may be setting yourself up for a ton of extra work and risk, in that the Shaolin Monastery is a singular entity (there's only one actual monastery in the entire world, and it is as iconic and as rich in its traditions as any palace or seat of government). Setting it as a background means you have to then get details right about it's architecture and layout, you need to know enough about Chen Buddhism and Shaolin disciplines to not make really bad immersion-breaking errors.

Don't get me wrong, doing extensive research to get the details right is something many if not all writers have to do sometimes, but it is a lot of extra work on top of all the work of writing, translating and rendering you already have.

Using a more generic and fictional Martial Arts school, or MMA training academy or something gives you a lot more freedom and creative license.

Yeah, you are right, I had this in mind, I might remove the Shaolin Monastery because someone might find it offensive in a Porn game so Yeah definitely I have to remove it. China is important to my story. Like you said some fictional Martial Arts school, or MMA training academy will give me more freedom.
It will be more like some Martial Arts academy in China and someone I can't reveal.

 

[RogueKnightUK]

Yeah, you are right, I had this in mind, I might remove the Shaolin Monastery because someone might find it offensive in a Porn game so Yeah definitely I have to remove it. China is important to my story. Like you said some fictional Martial Arts school, or MMA training academy will give me more freedom.
It will be more like some Martial Arts academy in China and someone I can't reveal.

If you have a general outline of where the story is going, and some of the events that need to happen, it will really help you add more depth and interest to the game and it's story.

For example, in most martial arts, even just regular boxing, many believe that refraining from sexual activity is absolutely vital before a competitive fight. Many professional boxers will not have sex at all for weeks in the build-up to an important match as the belief is that it helps build up both testosterone levels and aggression to go without. Acknowledging that will make your story more real, but also is obviously a conflict of interest in a game of this kind.

So perhaps the special thing about this school is that they have a philosophy that sex unlocks the flow of Chi, and is actually essential to their particular style... This might mean that the character performs sexual activities in a particularly spiritual or contemplative manner, sort of like tantric sex. Of course, that then adds in the idea that the practitioners would be expected to have sexual activities on tap... so finding some source of sex would be like finding a place to practice forms, or the need to spar and train. It would certainly give the MC some rationale (and excuse) for needing either a very active concubine, or a harem...

Or else, perhaps the MC knows that sexual activity is regarded as 'weakening' before a fight, and always has to decide if he's willing to take the risk or make the sacrifice? (They may compensate by having to train more and be otherwise 'overqualified' to win a fight). This one is a lot more 'believable' and still adds an extra level of depth and thought to the game, helping the player become more immersed in the character and story.

Thinking about what level of 'discipline' is involved also affects and is affected by the story. If strict and rigid discipline is part of the art and the philosophy, such practitioners tend to look upon those without much disciple (hard party-goers) in a more negative light. The MC may certainly look after the drunken girl and get her home safely, but he'd never look at her afterwards as girlfriend material or a kindred spirit...

 

[FrenchXConnection]

very promising !! I will give it a try

 

[NorskeMann82]

I'm not sure what's worse, the plot or the plethora of grammatical errors.

 

[Dr.SKD]

nice