Ok, not bad. Pretty good so far. suggested changes:
Monica
She'll be devastated that you seen her in her underwear...
She seems devastated that you saw her in her underwear...
Katie
Oh Yeah. Sorry for your loss.... But I heard it wasn't much loss..
Oh Yeah. Sorry for your loss... But I heard it wasn't much of a loss...
Katie
Oh my God %name%. He sounds nasty. I cannot believe he wouldn't pay your Mom.
Oh my God %name%. He sounds nasty. I can't believe he wouldn't pay your Mom.
Monica
Oh my God. The bastard. I begged him to let me see your just for a visit, but he never liked me.
Oh my God. That bastard! I begged him to let me see your just for a visit, but he never liked me.
Monica
And I wasn't a reletive, so I had no rights. It broke my heart!
And I wasn't a relative, so I had no rights. It just broke my heart!
Katie
Now she's grown up gorgeous, but she still thinks she is small and fat. It's crazy.
Now she's grown up and gorgeous, but she still thinks she is small and fat. It's crazy.
Monica
I know. If only she realised she is so beautiful. I would kill to look like her or have a body like her.
I know! If only she realised how beautiful she is. I would kill to have a body like hers.
Katie
At at weekends, she might have some drinks, especially if she's with Zarah.
At weekends, she might have some drinks, especially if she's with Zarah.
Monica
Katie. Would you please stop being obnoxious.
Katie! Would you please stop being so obnoxious.
Katie
You can introduce him to your best friend Jenna. Your computer
You can introduce him to your best friend Jenna, your computer
Jenna
Call into me in my room later and we'll chat. Without Katie interrupting us.
Come to my room later and we'll chat. Without Katie interrupting us.
%name%
Me. I would think you're pretty, not matter who you were compared to.
Me, I think you're pretty, not matter who you were compared to.
Monica
But when I seen what you were up to, I was going to throw it over you
But when I saw what you were up to, I was going to throw it over you
%name%
I get it!. Will talk later. Let's just forget this ever hapened!
I get it. We'll talk later. Let's just forget this ever hapened.
Katie
Haha, we ALL sound lik we're arguing over a puppy. You should feel very special %name%
Haha, we ALL sound like we're arguing over a puppy. You should feel very special %name%
Monica
And speaking of Zarah, she told me about what happened in your room earlier..
(oh Shit!)
%name%
She what?
Monica
Yes. She said you had a good chat and that you really opened up to her...
(PHEW)
This conversation make no sense, I told the bitch to get out!
%name%
Yes, She's definitely my type. Very prettty
Yes, She's definitely my type. Very pretty
Monica
Too short? Too tight? What are you? My mother? Haha
Too short? Too tight? What, are you my mother? Haha
Too short? Too tight? Who are you? My mother? Haha
Monica
I'm sorry, I know probably just want to go asleep, but I still havven't calmed down about you being here...
I'm sorry, I know probably just want to go to sleep, but I still havven't calmed down about you being here...
DAY 1
Monica
So we want everything to be perfect. If you're lucky you might catch Zarah in some underware later, haha
(I've already seen more of her than you think)
NO... I kicked the bitch out!
the MC already made statement in the kitchen she was dangerous and she proved it with her dominant comments and posture, the stuffing comment. I would not touch that bitch with a 10ft pole until I knew her game and how to use her, ie play her game back on her and better than she can.
Gym note, That was NOT the bet...She said underwear specifically, MC should at least say so and let her slide maybe add comment about hiding her shame or some such.
%name%
As soon as I seen you yesterday, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you ....
As soon as I saw you yesterday, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you ...
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Gym,
Distract/Don't Distract choice sucks
It's really appears to be a choice of Dom/sub
Going Dom (distract) is cool but what he say's is a total evil cruel masochistic thing say/do, imo too over the top. I would focus on the "pumping" and raw sexual innuendo not "love/emotion", she will never trust a conversation about it as honest again.
Going sub is fine
Katie
OK. Too much details. Anyway, last night, they were pissing me off, trying to make me feel bad.
Ok. Too much information. Anyway, last night, they were pissing me off, trying to make me feel bad.
OK. Too many details. Anyway, last night, they were pissing me off, trying to make me feel bad.
