You're fine to like and enjoy the game, but I can and will criticize games when they make mistakes. Grammatical ones are the easiest and most obvious, since unlike more subjective evaluations (characterization, plot, narrative, etc.) grammar actually does have some rules.
But I am not kidding about the intro, and I can show you if you'd like. Here is all of the dialogue from the start of the game, up until the player is asked to name the protagonist; and the various mistakes that a layperson can easily pick up on.
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The 'it' is entirely unnecessary and clunky, and needs to be removed. The 'your' needs to be replaced with 'their' so that it flows and is consistent with the 'everyone' used earlier in the sentence. Also, this is the protagonist's thoughts, it is NOT a narrator talking to the audience, another reason why 'your' is inappropriate.
There is a quote, which I'm sure everyone must have heard at least once in their life.
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Not wrong on it's own, but kind of unnecessary given that the last bit of dialogue was already setting up the quote. It's just extra verbiage. Not technically wrong, but if this was all a script in a singular document, an editor would absolutely highlight this as something to be removed to tighten up the writing.
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This is the quote, use quotation marks. That how you cut out the prior sentence worth of sign posting to indicate that this part is the quote. Just use quotation marks. That's literally why they exist.
"You've only got one life to live, so you better live it right."
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This isn't a complete sentence or thought, so ending it with a comma or a period incorrect. I'm all for writing dialogue in the vernacular, playing loose with grammatical rules to sell the audience on how a person or people actually talk as a means of characterization; but this is not that. If anything, this needs to end in an ellipsis to indicate a trailing thought. Although in light of the entire intro, this could do for an entire rewrite to better tighten up the theme if the intro.
To talk about a good life...
Or rewritten to better emphasize the theme.
What does it take to live a good life?
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Nothing really wrong here, but it probably could have been combined with the prior line and changed a bit to make a complete sentence. Still, included for the sake of completion and to show that I haven't just been cherry-picking the worst lines to use as examples.
We all have our own definition of it.
But if I were to edit it for better conversational flow.
We all have our own definitions for it.
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Now this might be a regional thing, but at least here in the US in conversational English, nobody would use 'seek' in this context, they would use 'search'. Not only that, but the whole sentence is clunky. The first part before the comma sets up the wealth angle, so restating it at the end by saying 'if they had a lot of money' is entirely unnecessary, since by definition being wealthy is having a lot of money. The last third of the sentence is clunky extra verbiage that should be cut entirely, and the remainder after the comma changed accordingly.
Some people search for wealth, because they think it would make their lives happier.
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This was the point where I kinda knew that I was fucked. That I was probably never going to be able to gel with the author's attempt at prose, because the fundamentals are so distractingly bad. Going with 'having a good health' instead of the much simpler and more flowing 'being healthy' was the indicator that this person does not understand conversational English. But even then, it needs a little rewriting because you don't want to end two sentences in a row with the same word.
Some wish for good health, believing there is nothing better than being healthy.
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Just an all around clunky sentence, that again, distracts from the attempt at prose. 'Thing' is too generic, and a more specific word should be used. Have we just been talking about random 'things' this whole time, or about specific 'things' that we could use a more specific word for? Should just be entirely rewritten.
Freedom is yet another aspect many people consider critical to having a good life.
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Clunky, clunky, clunky. Nobody talks like that, unless they were under extreme duress and struggling to maintain basic coherence. Because the problem is, that's almost incoherent. Any editor would have underlined that whole sentence and marked it to be rewritten. Another thing to note, I would swap the order of frames and place the following frame about love and friends before this one, as it would improve the overall flow of the thoughts and ideas being presented; since this seems like a more proper endcap whereas the next frame is a continued list of positive aspects that might constitute a good life.
Besides that, there exists many differing opinions about what constitutes a life well lived.
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Not wrong, but a bit clunky, and could use some editing. Love and happiness are emotions, but friends are people. Just to keep with the theme, it should be 'friendship' or some other synonym to denote the positive emotional bonds that having friends confers. Conversely it could be written the other way, swapping out 'love' and 'happiness' for other relationship groups like 'lovers' and 'family'. Also, we once again can do better than 'things'.
Positive relationships such as friends, lovers, and family.
Or the alternative.
Positive emotions like love, happiness, and comradery.
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Hey, at least they remembered the ellipsis this time.
However...
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The 'ever' is a style choice, but in usage often denotes being silly or juvenile. Adults being serious don't put added emphasis past 'never' in this way, while children (or those being child-like) will stack one or more 'ever' past the never for stylistic or comedic effect. So unless the author wants to paint the MC as being jovial or juvenile, probably best to drop the 'ever' entirely. The end of the sentence is, as we are seeing a pattern here, clunky. You would reword that more naturally as 'not even once'. The use of 'things' also need to be changed, since we have been talking about a specific theme this entire time.
I've never thought about all those aspirations, not even once...
Or rewritten even more.
I've never given much thought to those higher aspirations before...
So, yeah, I wasn't kidding. Almost every frame of dialogue in the introduction, before you name the protagonist even, has one or more grammatical mistakes that cause the narrative to stumble and trip over itself before it has a chance to build up any sort of momentum. If this is the level of dialogue going forward, then I am personally just never going to be able to enjoy it. If the game is going to constantly draw attention to the poor witting, it is going to distract me from anything else.
It might not be as noticeable for non-native speakers. It might not bother other native speakers as much. That's all fine. Enjoy your game. But if this intro is par for the course, I'd rather save myself the trouble and not subject myself to something that I know is going to drive me nuts. If others spoke up and told me that it gets better or improves further into the experience, then I might stick it out to see what's there; but that doesn't appear to be the case. So I'm cutting my loses early, and I'll just check out something else. No ill will towards the developer or the fans, but my tastes just require fundamentally better grammar.
