I just played this again today and I must say that the sex scenes between Chloe and Mr. Beeman sizzle! I can watch those scenes over and over again.
- Thread starter UncleVT
- Start date
- Oct 31, 2017
- 90
- 163
Holy shit, 657 pages of comments and 232 reviews? What are you people smoking?
I couldn't make it past the second day. The dialogue, the MC's internal monologue, everything needs a complete rewrite by - at a minimum - a fluent English speaker. The characters talk like grammatically deficient robots:
The MC is effectively blackmailing Nicole and trying to cajole her into being more agreeable... and that's fine, in theory. But his request is pathetic. "Please be nicer" and she immediately rolls over? Seriously? And shortly after, when he chides her for being irritable again, she says, verbatim, "You're such a cunning sly fox, mister..." which is just hysterical. There's nothing cunning here. If you want me to believe the MC is cunning, you need to show him saying cunning things. Tell Nicole that he doesn't really care if she actually likes him, just that she needs to pretend to if she wants him to keep coming back. Tell her that he'd much rather be spending time with her lovely daughter if Nicole continues to insult him, no matter how much skin she shows. Something. Anything.
The friend has psychic powers that are immediately accepted... and that's fine, in theory. If the MC is characterized as either not being entirely sure if she's just expertly cold reading his body language or spying on him, entirely nonplussed about the matter, or even outright shocked and confused but devoid of intent to spill her secret, then the reader can also accept it and move on. But as it is, she shows off psychic powers, the MC says "Woah, you have psychic powers," and that's the end of that line of thinking. It's the same issue as the above excerpt, which is the total lack of emotional or dramatic investment into the story by the author.
The premise of the story is ridiculous... and that's fine, in theory. But you have to help me suspend my disbelief. You have to make the characters feel like real people and make their choices seem sufficiently rational - given their situation - that I can accept their actions. Nicole doing sexual favors for the MC to get him to leave her daughter alone is stupid, so explain why she wants to do this under the table. Explain why she isn't talking to her husband about this. It doesn't have to be airtight logic, just enough logic and and emotion from Nicole that I believe that she'd go through with this.
I couldn't make it past the second day. The dialogue, the MC's internal monologue, everything needs a complete rewrite by - at a minimum - a fluent English speaker. The characters talk like grammatically deficient robots:
Nicole said:
MC said:
Nicole said:
MC said:
Nicole said:
MC said:
Nicole said:
MC said:
"Yes it is. Now here comes mine end" made me actually laugh when I read it. This is not the worst exerpt from the tiny amount that I played, mind you, just the first conversation I found after doing a rollback from my latest save. This selection of dialogue has all of the worst problems I see with writing on this site: unnatural English, emotionally flat diction, and generally nonsensical characterization.Nicole said:
The MC is effectively blackmailing Nicole and trying to cajole her into being more agreeable... and that's fine, in theory. But his request is pathetic. "Please be nicer" and she immediately rolls over? Seriously? And shortly after, when he chides her for being irritable again, she says, verbatim, "You're such a cunning sly fox, mister..." which is just hysterical. There's nothing cunning here. If you want me to believe the MC is cunning, you need to show him saying cunning things. Tell Nicole that he doesn't really care if she actually likes him, just that she needs to pretend to if she wants him to keep coming back. Tell her that he'd much rather be spending time with her lovely daughter if Nicole continues to insult him, no matter how much skin she shows. Something. Anything.
The friend has psychic powers that are immediately accepted... and that's fine, in theory. If the MC is characterized as either not being entirely sure if she's just expertly cold reading his body language or spying on him, entirely nonplussed about the matter, or even outright shocked and confused but devoid of intent to spill her secret, then the reader can also accept it and move on. But as it is, she shows off psychic powers, the MC says "Woah, you have psychic powers," and that's the end of that line of thinking. It's the same issue as the above excerpt, which is the total lack of emotional or dramatic investment into the story by the author.
The premise of the story is ridiculous... and that's fine, in theory. But you have to help me suspend my disbelief. You have to make the characters feel like real people and make their choices seem sufficiently rational - given their situation - that I can accept their actions. Nicole doing sexual favors for the MC to get him to leave her daughter alone is stupid, so explain why she wants to do this under the table. Explain why she isn't talking to her husband about this. It doesn't have to be airtight logic, just enough logic and and emotion from Nicole that I believe that she'd go through with this.
Puhh I don't like critiquing peoples English but this games writing is really rough to get through.. It's like the reading of a first year student attempting to use a lot of more complex words. It also seems to get worse the further into the game you get.
The game could really use a c2-1 English speaker's gentle touch but even with all the grammar corrections etc. a lot of the conversations still wouldn't make much sense lol.
The overall idea of the game is good, though. Some beautiful images and room for several paths through the game. Ah I always feel bad making critiques.. the game has a lot of good going for it that writing level just stood out a lot.
The game could really use a c2-1 English speaker's gentle touch but even with all the grammar corrections etc. a lot of the conversations still wouldn't make much sense lol.
The overall idea of the game is good, though. Some beautiful images and room for several paths through the game. Ah I always feel bad making critiques.. the game has a lot of good going for it that writing level just stood out a lot.
- Nov 14, 2017
- 69,336
- 35,153
don't let the door hit you on your way out of this thread.
you don't like this so click unwatch and maybe ignore too.
- Dec 24, 2018
- 3,225
- 6,831
Just got done with the update and loved it.
I think with this game, while I liked it very much, especially the characters (Nicole is pretty much the best milf in the AVN-sphere. While there are some other LIs characters who are top tier as well, none of the others reach her level), yet the story didn't quite grab me until around midway.
Having said that I think story literally grabbed me with the Beeman conflict, and I think it literally skyrocketed for me with MC vs John conflict.
John in a way, is not just an antagonist, his behavior and mannerisms and actions gives the very "Supervillain" aura, for lack of better words.
Hence immensely enjoying my time on this nowadays; not to mention spending time with Nicole is always a treat.
Not sure how much longer the dev intends for the game to last, but I'm getting the feeling the story is slowly inching towards the endgame?
Or perhaps someone more in the know can correct me if I'm wrong.
I think with this game, while I liked it very much, especially the characters (Nicole is pretty much the best milf in the AVN-sphere. While there are some other LIs characters who are top tier as well, none of the others reach her level), yet the story didn't quite grab me until around midway.
Having said that I think story literally grabbed me with the Beeman conflict, and I think it literally skyrocketed for me with MC vs John conflict.
John in a way, is not just an antagonist, his behavior and mannerisms and actions gives the very "Supervillain" aura, for lack of better words.
Hence immensely enjoying my time on this nowadays; not to mention spending time with Nicole is always a treat.
Not sure how much longer the dev intends for the game to last, but I'm getting the feeling the story is slowly inching towards the endgame?
Or perhaps someone more in the know can correct me if I'm wrong.
- Nov 14, 2017
- 69,336
- 35,153
- May 1, 2018
- 148
- 137
- Nov 14, 2017
- 69,336
- 35,153
at least mc has no sister.You're cucking me with my mom, HOW DARE YOU DEV
Hopefully the dev makes between my mom and nicole. It'll be interesting to see.
well mc won't participate.
- May 1, 2018
- 148
- 137
- Nov 14, 2017
- 69,336
- 35,153
3some how? mc can't participate since it'd be incest.
- May 1, 2018
- 148
- 137
- Nov 14, 2017
- 69,336
- 35,153
- May 16, 2024
- 188
- 161
I'm not hoping for threesome but I want John to fuck mom and then there's a scene with Dad and mom and mom is not satisfied with dad. I hate the dad so much lmao
- May 1, 2018
- 148
- 137
nah. Fuck John. Fuck dad. I want that pussy myself
- Nov 14, 2017
- 69,336
- 35,153
you can want it as muich as you want.nah. Fuck John. Fuck dad. I want that pussy myself