- Jun 22, 2023
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- Jun 13, 2021
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ATaleOfLoveLustAndMurder-0.7
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- Jan 3, 2021
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Welp, that was a waste of bandwidth.
Super juvenile writing rife with numerous grammatical errors (...doing her graduation in..., ...studying in Santa Monica College..., misspelling pervert as prevert, etc.) . The most boring and unsexy 'I put my penis in her vagina, she liked it' levels of 'erotic' narration. The one-two punch of awful background music with lyrics that is distractingly bad when you're trying to read shit.
Why am I wasting my time reading about THE MOST BESTEST CIA AGENT EVARZ!!!1!11! being a pussy bitch who runs away from his hot secretary before they fuck each other to the most unsexy narration, all with literally zero build up, tension, or any exploration of who these people are as characters I'm at all supposed to give a shit about? This is not only failing to elevate the borrowed porn clips to be something more, it is actively worse than just watching the porn clips on their own in isolation. Calling it a 'transformative work' almost feels like an insult.
Super juvenile writing rife with numerous grammatical errors (...doing her graduation in..., ...studying in Santa Monica College..., misspelling pervert as prevert, etc.) . The most boring and unsexy 'I put my penis in her vagina, she liked it' levels of 'erotic' narration. The one-two punch of awful background music with lyrics that is distractingly bad when you're trying to read shit.
Why am I wasting my time reading about THE MOST BESTEST CIA AGENT EVARZ!!!1!11! being a pussy bitch who runs away from his hot secretary before they fuck each other to the most unsexy narration, all with literally zero build up, tension, or any exploration of who these people are as characters I'm at all supposed to give a shit about? This is not only failing to elevate the borrowed porn clips to be something more, it is actively worse than just watching the porn clips on their own in isolation. Calling it a 'transformative work' almost feels like an insult.
Something of a logical nitpick. Vegas is in the desert. There's no ocean near it. Some of the hotels have small fake beaches, but nothing like what is in the pictures.
- May 26, 2020
- 153
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I appreciate your feedback, but I can't make much of a modification in response to your criticism as "studying in/at" are both correct. Spelling issues might be rectified based on input, but with thousands of words, a few typing errors are unavoidable. It was also explained in the plot that MC was a rookie and is now ONE OF THE BEST FIELD AGENTS, nothing else. The later episodes have build-ups with the key characters, thus it appears that you did not complete the game. Give the later episodes a try; you might like them.
I'd appreciate some constructive input, as I know the game isn't perfect but may be closer to perfection with your suggestions.
- May 26, 2020
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Doesn't look too bad, I will say though I get a bit of a chuckle when I see a video and its just got a massive porn brand logo like Tushy on the bottom. Still will check it out.
- May 26, 2020
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True! That's why I removed it from from all types of media in the later episodes. I guess starting from the EP 3 you wont' see any such logos.
- Jan 3, 2021
- 1,191
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You would use in when you say 'I'm studying in biology'. It's your field of study, not some place you are physically inside of. Sure, the college itself might be in Santa Monica, but you'd say 'I study at Santa Monica College'; that you might be in the buildings on campus is implied. I never once would have ever described my own college experience to someone as 'Hey, I study in the Art Institute of Pittsburgh'. In would have been my field of study (Game Design & Animation), at would have been the campus (AIP). So, something like 'I'm studying in the Game Art & Design program at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh' is how that would flow in conversational English.
Also, what does 'doing her gradution' here mean? Do you really mean graduation? Is she a graduate student? Post-doctoral? Do you just mean that's where Sybil is attending classes? Has she finished her studies and is in the process of graduating? That's just not normal, conversational English usage of those words as written.
I hope your more recent work is better, but I'm never going to get to see it if you don't do something to go back and improve, edit, and revamp the earlier stuff. It is very off-putting just how many grammatical errors you run into in short order. Combine that with very poor writing, and there is a sizeable barrier to entry. A reminder, this is the very first sex scene in the game...
What am I supposed to do with that except cringe? That is 'I put my penis in her vagina, she liked it' levels of eroticism. Also, while we're here, 'pull' should be the plural 'pulls'. You should drop one of the the two 'downs', either using a synonym to avoid repetition or just removing the first since it's implied by the second and ultimately unnecessary. The second sentence is missing a 'she' somewhere in there (e.g. 'She slowly moves down...' or 'Slowly she moves down...'). Actually, find some way to structure the second sentence better that isn't just three ideas combined with 'and' twice in a row. I am also assuming that 'stars' should be 'starts'. The doubled up 'You shoot your cum...' is unnecessary; I mean, who else's cum is going to shoot at this moment? Also, complete lack of punctuation at the end of the third sentence.
How come I'm putting more effort into spell-checking and formatting this forum post right here than you did in your game's first sex scene?
You don't get to make a second 'first impression'.
Also, the first text at the start of the game is literally...
I'm sorry, but how are you supposed to know that doesn't apply in the here and now? This isn't written like it's the MC reminiscing on their past form some position of authority in the future. This isn't written like it's a premonition of things to come. If your intention was to introduce your MC as a wet-behind-the-ear intelligence officer, you failed. As currently written, the first three sentences are telling the audience what the MC is right here and now. Not what they were, or what they will be, but what they are. You can tell, you used 'are' in the first sentence! It also clearly indicates that the MC was a CIA Agent before working in a modeling agency, where he then interacts with his secretary like an abject coward. If this is all contradicted later in the story, that's still a problem with your writing not being clear in the first place and thus creating the contradiction.
After this, the first real conversation is a series of back and forth run on sentences between the MC and Sybil. Whenever Nicole refers to the MC as 'Mr.' or Denzel refers to the MC's wife as 'Mrs.', they don't use the surname but instead use their first names. I can see that perhaps being a funny conversational quirk or running gag for one character, but seeing the same thing back to back within a minute of each other from two different characters (and when the game explicitly asks you to input a surname), this is very obviously a mistake.
All of the dialogue is stilted and does not sound natural at all. Almost every single sentence or short paragraph has some glaring grammatical error in it, and often more than one. This isn't the misuse of there/their/they're or missing the occasional period, but rather an incessant problem with the baseline readability of the writing. On top of that, even when I fight to correct the grammar in my head, what's there isn't very interesting. It is very dry exposition, with a ton of 'X goes to Y and does Z' sentences with little to no creative flourish.
Actually try to read these out loud to yourself. It reads like what you would write if you wanted to lampoon someone's poor dialogue. You end and start sentences back-to-back with the same character's name. You started two sentences in a row with Jessa, when both are just describing her. You have a single sentence that repeats 'you' our 'your' four times to describe the action. The constant unnecessary and unnatural (for conversational English) repetition of people's names in place of using he/she/him/her/they/them reminds me of children's books made to teach kids how to read.
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By the time I got the the sex scene with the secretary, only to realize it's 50% moaning and grunting, and the other 50% is dialogue so bland it is bad by the standards of live action pornography? Again, finding the original Lisa Ann clip on PornHub and watching that would be 1,000% more arousing. That's when I checked out. This is clearly not for me. Even if you could fix the cavalcade of grammatical issues and tighten up the script, there just isn't a strong creative voice to the narrative.
All things are explained as a matter of fact, with little effort for anything beyond that; extra creative details like people's thoughts and feeling are largely absent. When the MC is done committing adultery by fucking his secretary, it is stated as a fact that he made a 'blunder', with zero writing expended in describing how he feels or thinks at the moment. All we are given is 'he made a mistake' with all the cold cynical delivery of reading the weather forecast for the day. No amount of spell-checking is going to fix bland expositional writing. It might make it more readable, but not more interesting. You created a MC with a list of attributes (secret agent, father and husband), but then didn't give me a reason to care.
- May 26, 2020
- 153
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Whoa! I appreciate your thorough list. For me, it does make things easier. I actually had started making modifications to a few of these, but I didn't pay attention til these smaller details. Once again, I appreciate you bringing up these points, The majority of these will be addressed in EP 8, so I hope I'll see you then.