VN Ren'Py Broken Promises [v0.38] [Light Cavalry]

[eddie987]

I have to agree with what most people wrote and say that the rework is already a lot better. It might be shorter than the previous version, but that's because 2/3 of that (maybe even more...) were filled with internal monologues. It got so annoying that after a certain point I kept asking myself if they'll ever gonna shut up and let the story move forward! With this version I played throughout the whole thing without feeling the need to skip anything, so the story definitely has a better flow now.

We didn't get that much information about the girls or their storylines yet, but I think this version has a better pace and the girls act and talk more like normal people rather than caricatures. There are still a few exaggarations in the way they behave, but I think the previous writer was trying to be "edgy" just for the sake of it.

Tianna still has problems with her daughter, but this time around she acts more like a normal person and less like a robot, which in my eyes makes her character (I already liked) even more likeable.
Alice got a bit weirder with her "talking to me=hitting on me" mentality, but it still seems like she'll be the "good/naive girl" of the group. We didn't get any backstory for her yet in this version.
Afina seems nice so far and I don't expect any drastic changes to her storyline, based on the disclaimer at the start of the game.
Grace has a new story now, she left the country to pursue a career in Norway, and now she's back, she seems to feel guilty about "abandoning" the MC who was like a brother to her. That's all we know for now.
The only thing I disliked about the rework was Brie's behaviour (who wasn't likeable in the previous version either), but since both Alice and the MC thought she was acting like a spoiled brat, I guess that was intentional.

Now I'm curious to see if Vanessa and Kylie's storylines will be any different (mostly Vanessa's tbh, since it's gonna be interesting to see when and how is the MC going to meet her) and who's gonna be the last girl we haven't seen yet.

*The slutty professor's arc changed too. The MC didn't interact much with her, but she doesn't act like a predator picking a freshman to play with each year anymore and based on a phone call the MC overhears, she's probably gonna be the "neglected milf" type of character.
**No sight of the "convenience store milf" yet.

 

[Vivat Imperatoris]

I’ll take note of that, but you have to remember MC is going undercover he doesn’t want to stand out like an asshole. And have no idea what you mean by MC being cringe Elobrate on that and show me and then I’ll try and make those less in future updates.

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Might be coming off as a prick but I take criticism seriously, I will show MC more dominant side but him being that first chapter doesn’t sit well for the story. The goal of the story is not to have sex with all the LI’s you are there to take down the syndicate. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t an AVN you will have relationships don’t worry.

That being said I’ll take your critics and try and improve on them


Exactly I’m trying to establish the story and make sure you guys get to know them well the outer shell of the LI’s you’ll be able to learn more about the after the story progresses

Well first of all I think it's good that you welcome feedback. Because you asked I try to make it more constructive.

That the girls are smug spoiled brats does not surprise me (although it makes them very unlikable). They are all very pretty and from rich families. I'm more bothered by the lack of reaction from the MC. Or his goody goody attitude.

The MC himself comes from a respectable background and is a member of the special forces of the police. And he can't even stand up for himself?


A few examples:

- He constantly says how nice and sweet Alice is, but she is the one who embarrasses him several times (even in front of others) because of a simple compliment (a very harmless, I might add).

- each of the three girls treats him disparagingly, but it's pretended that only Brie is a brat

- not ONCE is there a comeback or simply putting them in their place or turning his back and walking away, no revenge thoughts, nothing ( the Mc is just passive)

- in the conversation with Afina it's pretended she didn't make fun of him with Brie a few minutes ago, instead comes "Haha, no worries. "

- Grace comes back from Sweden after (according to her own statement) leaving him behind when he needed her the most. And before she even starts talking he already starts defending her. Just to be clear I don't expect him to yell at her now, but a civil discussion (as Grace originally intended) about the reasons for her departure and what consequences it had on MC seems to me the better alternative to him immediately caving in and excusing everything.

And the fact that he is undercover does not contradict this. Quite the opposite! Who gets along with everyone in his college days? Nobody will say: "He fights with some guys/girls, that must be an undercover cop!" Being undercover doesn't mean being submissive and passive. Quite the opposite.

P.S. And just to clarify, if you have read that out of my post (although I never wrote that), I don't mind that the game has slow burn romances.

 

[Knight_LC]

Well first of all I think it's good that you welcome feedback. Because you asked I try to make it more constructive.

That the girls are smug spoiled brats does not surprise me. They are all very pretty and from rich families. I'm more bothered by the lack of reaction from the MC. Or his goody goody attitude.

The MC himself comes from a respectable background and is a member of the special forces of the police. And he can't even stand up for himself?


A few examples:

- He constantly says how nice and sweet Alice is, but she is the one who embarrasses him several times (even in front of others) because of a simple compliment (a very harmless, I might add).

- each of the three girls treats him disparagingly, but it's pretended that only Brie is a brat

- not ONCE is there a comeback or simply putting them in their place or turning his back and walking away, no revenge thoughts, nothing ( the Mc is just passive)

- in the conversation with Alice it's pretended she didn't make fun of him with Brie a few miunts ago, instead comes "Haha, no worries. "

- Grace comes back from Sweden after (according to her own statement) leaving him behind when he needed her the most. And before she even starts talking he already starts defending her. Just to be clear I don't expect him to yell at her now, but a civil discussion (as Grace originally intended) about the reasons for her departure and what consequences it had on MC seems to me the better alternative to him immediately caving in and excusing everything.

And the fact that he is undercover does not contradict this. Quite the opposite! Who gets along with everyone in his college days? Nobody will say: "He fights with some guys/girls, that must be an undercover cop!" Being undercover doesn't mean being submissive and passive. Quite the opposite.

P.S. And just to clarify, if you have read that out of my post (although I never wrote that), I don't mind that the game has slow burn romances.

Cheers, I'll work on those

I'll do my best to make the MC more realistic, thought I got control of the MC already XD

 

[UncleFredo]

From a structural perspective the writing and plot in this VN is greatly improved. You've asked for constructive criticism what follows is intended as such. It's worth what you've paid for it. This is your story to tell as you see fit.


The trio of student LIs come across as unsalvageable cunts. I understand that you're reversing the burn rate, but why would anyone invest the slightest effort to get with such a self indulgent bunch of bitches? You've provided no motivation to pursue any of them. Jack has to develop information sources, so he can't cut off contact, but he has no reason to involve himself emotionally. The potential relationships with grace, the teacher, and possibly his chief are all there. We don't have enough information to judge the appropriateness of Jack's response to Grace's return.

A general comment on burn rate. The slow burn meme has become extremely common of late. Personally I'm a medium burn kind of guy. Create a truly attractive, interesting, and engaging LI with a bit of an endearing personality and I'll wait quite a while as the action develops, providing there is other interesting action with others LIs. Even then it's important to remember that slow burn is very very different from no burn. The slower the burn the greater the burden on the writing to show evolution in the relationship in every update in which that character appears.

Given the personalities you've given the trio, none of them meet the requirements for a slow burn candidate. Lastly, there's Vanessa. Assuming that relationship is going to get rekindled, she needs to make an appearance sooner rather than later. Your decision to keep her in the introduction to the MC history creates an expectation. However you intend to deal with that expectation it will become problematic the longer she stays in the wings waiting to return.

One last point. Jack is a police detective who also is willing to assault and breach doors into extremely dangerous situations. He is by definition NOT A PUSSY.
Nor is he a passive personality. Self controlled, sure, so I wouldn't expect him to necessarily poke the bear when he's prodded. However, his internal reaction would not be that of a wuss. Given he's made detective and has solved 46 closed cases he's been a cop for at least 5-6 years, probably longer. He'll have a much more adult view of the world that his fellow students. Possibly excepting Brie. Modeling is a dog eat dog business. Only the tough survive. They don't have to be a bitch, but they do have to have the internal toughness to handle a lot of pressure and highly subjective criticism.


Despite my comments. I really like the overall changes and am excited by the potential that your VN displays. Looking forward to what comes next. Thank you for all your hard work.

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

Well first of all I think it's good that you welcome feedback. Because you asked I try to make it more constructive.

That the girls are smug spoiled brats does not surprise me. They are all very pretty and from rich families. I'm more bothered by the lack of reaction from the MC. Or his goody goody attitude.

The MC himself comes from a respectable background and is a member of the special forces of the police. And he can't even stand up for himself?


A few examples:

- He constantly says how nice and sweet Alice is, but she is the one who embarrasses him several times (even in front of others) because of a simple compliment (a very harmless, I might add).

- each of the three girls treats him disparagingly, but it's pretended that only Brie is a brat

- not ONCE is there a comeback or simply putting them in their place or turning his back and walking away, no revenge thoughts, nothing ( the Mc is just passive)

- in the conversation with Alice it's pretended she didn't make fun of him with Brie a few miunts ago, instead comes "Haha, no worries. "

- Grace comes back from Sweden after (according to her own statement) leaving him behind when he needed her the most. And before she even starts talking he already starts defending her. Just to be clear I don't expect him to yell at her now, but a civil discussion (as Grace originally intended) about the reasons for her departure and what consequences it had on MC seems to me the better alternative to him immediately caving in and excusing everything.

And the fact that he is undercover does not contradict this. Quite the opposite! Who gets along with everyone in his college days? Nobody will say: "He fights with some guys/girls, that must be an undercover cop!" Being undercover doesn't mean being submissive and passive. Quite the opposite.

P.S. And just to clarify, if you have read that out of my post (although I never wrote that), I don't mind that the game has slow burn romances.

I haven't made up my mind yet but I do admit you did bring up some good points but I don't want him to turn into a dick

and I don't know what you mean by Revenge. thoughts

that kind of sounds pretty evil

yes maybe he should stand up for himself but I don't want him to lose his nice-guy personality

for me it's part of his charm

 

[Vivat Imperatoris]

I haven't made up my mind yet but I do admit you did bring up some good points but I don't want him to turn into a dick

and I don't know what you mean by Revenge. thoughts

that kind of sounds pretty evil

yes maybe he should stand up for himself but I don't want him to lose his nice-guy personality

for me it's part of his charm

There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a pushover. And currently the MC is a pushover/wuss. And that doesn't fit his personality (hard ass police cop) the slightest if you ask me.

And regarding the girls I sadly have to agree with "UncleFredo": "The trio of student LIs come across as unsalvageable cunts. I understand that you're reversing the burn rate, but why would anyone invest the slightest effort to get with such a self indulgent bunch of bitches? You've provided no motivation to pursue any of them. "

What reason do we have to like them right now? They've all three just treated you like crap. Of course you then have revenge thoughts/want to put them in their place. Why shouldn't you?

(By the way, that was exactly what the MC of Summers Gone did with Bella. He wanted to take revenge on her. Just as a side note...)

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a pushover. And currently the MC is a pushover/wuss. And that doesn't fit his personality (hard ass police cop) the slightest if you ask me.

And regarding the girls I sadly have to agree with "UncleFredo": "The trio of student LIs come across as unsalvageable cunts. I understand that you're reversing the burn rate, but why would anyone invest the slightest effort to get with such a self indulgent bunch of bitches? You've provided no motivation to pursue any of them. "

What reason do we have to like them right now? They've all three just treated you like crap. Of course you then have revenge thoughts/want to put them in their place. Why shouldn't you?

(By the way, that was exactly what the MC of Summers Gone did with Bella. He wanted to take revenge on her. Just as a side note...)

will taking revenge on Bella is an option I never took it

and while I did play chapter 1 multiple times

I was focused on memorizing the case maybe I should go back and play it and focus on the girls from what I

remember the girls wasn't that bad they gave him a little hard time but nothing too extreme and

the only thing I remember is Brie was harmlessly teasing him about his bike

again I'm going back to playing to refresh my memory but it seems kind of childish to plot revenge on people that are just harmlessly teasing you

and while Grace is one of my waifu I do admit having no problem

with someone who I loved abandoning me

it's kind of weird



oh and I forgot to mention I love bad girls

and I don't mean girls that sleep around I mean girls that can kick my ass

mean girls turn me on

nice and sweet girls are so boring they make me want to put a gun in my mouth


because if someone I loved abandoned me I would feel really hurt and maybe even angry and I would confront her about it

but no matter what I really really love the update

 

[Rinbael]

remember the girls wasn't that bad they gave him a little hard time but nothing too extreme and

the only thing I remember is Brie was harmlessly teasing him about his bike

again I'm going back to playing to refresh my memory but it seems kind of childish to plot revenge on people that are just harmlessly teasing you

I'm always one of the first to talk about how bitchy certain characters are and I really don't get where people are getting the idea that all the characters are bitches apart from Brie who I agree is one.

I chose not to flirt with Alice and she was really nice to the MC and Afina was nice enough to the MC as well. do they treat the MC differently if you flirt with Alice?

I think people are forgetting that the MC is a complete stranger to them and they know almost nothing about him so of course they aren't going to instantly be incredibly friendly with him. Though like I said I thought Alice and Afina were nice enough to the MC for someone who is a complete stranger to them.

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

I'm always one of the first to talk about how bitchy certain characters are and I really don't get where people are getting the idea that all the characters are bitches apart from Brie who I agree is one.

I chose not to flirt with Alice and she was really nice to the MC and Afina was nice enough to the MC as well. do they treat the MC differently if you flirt with Alice?

I think people are forgetting that the MC is a complete stranger to them and they know almost nothing about him so of course they aren't going to instantly be incredibly friendly with him. Though like I said I thought Alice and Afina were nice enough to the MC for someone who is a complete stranger to them.

exactly I didn't flirt with them either and they were very nice to me

in fact the only girl I'm interested in is Bree

for my first playthrough

step on me Mommy

 

[Vivat Imperatoris]

I'm always one of the first to talk about how bitchy certain characters are and I really don't get where people are getting the idea that all the characters are bitches apart from Brie who I agree is one.

I chose not to flirt with Alice and she was really nice to the MC and Afina was nice enough to the MC as well. do they treat the MC differently if you flirt with Alice?

I think people are forgetting that the MC is a complete stranger to them and they know almost nothing about him so of course they aren't going to instantly be incredibly friendly with him. Though like I said I thought Alice and Afina were nice enough to the MC for someone who is a complete stranger to them.

Yes they do treat you differently

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

Yes they do treat you differently

well there you go maybe they're not into guys who flirt with them after only knowing them for 10 seconds

and I don't blame them

 

[MisterNephilim]

And regarding the girls I sadly have to agree with "UncleFredo": "The trio of student LIs come across as unsalvageable cunts. I understand that you're reversing the burn rate, but why would anyone invest the slightest effort to get with such a self indulgent bunch of bitches? You've provided no motivation to pursue any of them. "

Having not flirted with Alice in my path (mostly because I'm not interested in her) she is alright, specially for basically a stranger, Brie we don't know of her yet but she acts like the classical spoiled brat so no worries there, and Afina is alright in my opinion after she comes to the MC to apologize for Brie, in fact I quite like Afina a lot.

 

[Canto Forte]

The whole point is not to get friend zoned.
They will never tell a sweet MC that they think nothing of about the fact they do molly with the drug lords in their van.

I'm always one of the first to talk about how bitchy certain characters are and I really don't get where people are getting the idea that all the characters are bitches apart from Brie who I agree is one.

I chose not to flirt with Alice and she was really nice to the MC and Afina was nice enough to the MC as well. do they treat the MC differently if you flirt with Alice?

I think people are forgetting that the MC is a complete stranger to them and they know almost nothing about him so of course they aren't going to instantly be incredibly friendly with him. Though like I said I thought Alice and Afina were nice enough to the MC for someone who is a complete stranger to them.

Yes they do treat you differently

Having not flirted with Alice in my path (mostly because I'm not interested in her) she is alright, Brie we don't know of her yet but she acts like the classical spoiled brat so no worries there, and Afina is alright in my opinion after she comes to the MC to apologize for Brie, in fact I quite like Afina a lot.

well there you go maybe they're not into guys who flirt with them after only knowing them for 10 seconds

and I don't blame them

Enjoy your friend zone because nothing can come from it on the drug front and neither on the personal front.

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

The whole point is not to get friend zoned.
They will never tell a sweet MC that they think nothing of about the fact they do molly with the drug lords in their van.







Enjoy your friend zone because nothing can come from it on the drug front and neither on the personal front.

wow you wound me




Canto Forte

I did not expect that from my own kin

my own brother

 

[eddie987]

I'm always one of the first to talk about how bitchy certain characters are and I really don't get where people are getting the idea that all the characters are bitches apart from Brie who I agree is one.

I chose not to flirt with Alice and she was really nice to the MC and Afina was nice enough to the MC as well. do they treat the MC differently if you flirt with Alice?

I think people are forgetting that the MC is a complete stranger to them and they know almost nothing about him so of course they aren't going to instantly be incredibly friendly with him. Though like I said I thought Alice and Afina were nice enough to the MC for someone who is a complete stranger to them.

I chose to compliment her (I might be wrong, but I think the option was to compliment her, not flirt with her, which is not the same thing) and she brings it up when you tell them about the group chat or whatever that was and they laugh about the MC's "pick up lines".
I took it as a joke, but I guess some people think she was serious about it and in that context I can see how she can come off as pretentious. To me it was just a bunch of young girls being immature and the MC let it slide, because it was his first day there and there was no reason for him to make "enemies" right away.
Now if this end up being a recurring (bad) joke, that will be a different story and I'll agree they're acting like cunts, but so far I don't see why that would be a thing.

*I'm talking about Afina and Alice. Brie can fuck off. She's probably the token bisexual who's already after one of the other LIs (in this case Alice) and comes as a "package deal" with her anyway, so I'm not interersted in her in the slightest.

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

I chose to compliment her (I might be wrong, but I think the option was to compliment her, not flirt with her, which is not the same thing) and she brings it up when you tell them about the group chat or whatever that was and they laugh about the MC's "pick up lines".
I took it as a joke, but I guess some people think she was serious about it and in that context I can see how she can come off as pretentious. To me it was just a bunch of young girls being immature and the MC let it slide, because it was his first day there and there was no reason for him to make "enemies" right away.
Now if this end up being a recurring (bad) joke, that will be a different story and I'll agree they're acting like cunts, but so far I don't see why that would be a thing.

*I'm talking about Afina and Alice. Brie can fuck off. She's probably the token bisexual who's already after one of the other LIs (in this case Alice) and comes as a "package deal" with her anyway, so I'm not interersted in her in the slightest.

don't say that bro I don't want to share Brie with anyone
I want her all to myself

 

[Vivat Imperatoris]

well there you go maybe they're not into guys who flirt with them after only knowing them for 10 seconds

and I don't blame them

He complimented her outfit. That's all. And I never complained about her not jumping MCs bone immediatly. But the way she kept bringing it up and was toxic about it, is irritating. She asked for his number the day before. If he would have acted like she did he would have thrown a tantrum and told it everyone.

The whole point is not to get friend zoned.
They will never tell a sweet MC that they think nothing of about the fact they do molly with the drug lords in their van.







Enjoy your friend zone because nothing can come from it on the drug front and neither on the personal front.

In most AVNs not flirting with someone serves as a rejection or puts you in the friend zone.

And in real life it's not that extrem, but you also have to make a move to show her you are interested. Because sadly you get friend zoned pretty quickly. He wasnt toxic, he didnt call her babe or other derogatory remarks. He didnt even Flirt, he just COMPLIMENTED her.

If she doesnt like him or that he is complimenting her she can just say it ONE time. There is no need to embarass him several times even in front of others.

And again I wouldn't have let that slide. I would have confronted her why she is so toxic about it.

 

[eddie987]

don't say that bro I don't want to share Brie with anyone
I want her all to myself

That's just a guess based on the previous version of the game and her behaviour in general. I might be completely wrong, but that's what I got from her.
She used to bully Alice (typical prepubescent "flirting"), and now she seems to only get along with her and instantly hate anyone who's getting close to her. Afina said she's the same way with her too...

 

[Vidal the king of Pervert]

He complimented her outfit. That's all. And I never complained about her not jumping MCs bone immediatly. But the way she kept bringing it up and was toxic about it, is irritating. She asked for his number the day before. If he would have acted like she did he would have thrown a tantrum and told it everyone.


In most AVNs not flirting with someone serves as a rejection or puts you in the friend zone.

And in real life it's not that extrem, but you also have to make a move to show her you are interested. Because sadly you get friend zoned pretty quickly. He wasnt toxic, he didnt call her babe or other derogatory remarks. He didnt even Flirt, he just COMPLIMENTED her.

If she doesnt like him or that he is complimenting her she can just say it ONE time. There is no need to embarass him several times even in front of others.

And again I wouldn't have let that slide. I would have confronted her why she is so toxic about it.

oh wow I did not know that you're right like I said I'm only focusing on bri and I ignoring everyone else you're right and I'm wrong

honestly I did not know she was acting like that

 

[Rinbael]

I chose to compliment her (I might be wrong, but I think the option was to compliment her, not flirt with her, which is not the same thing) and she brings it up when you tell them about the group chat or whatever that was and they laugh about the MC's "pick up lines".
I took it as a joke, but I guess some people think she was serious about it and in that context I can see how she can come off as pretentious. To me it was just a bunch of young girls being immature and the MC let it slide, because it was his first day there and there was no reason for him to make "enemies" right away.
Now if this end up being a recurring (bad) joke, that will be a different story and I'll agree they're acting like cunts, but so far I don't see why that would be a thing.

*I'm talking about Afina and Alice. Brie can fuck off. She's probably the token bisexual who's already after one of the other LIs (in this case Alice) and comes as a "package deal" with her anyway, so I'm not interersted in her in the slightest.

I just checked and your right the choice is to compliment her not flirt with her. I can see why people might get annoyed with her reaction and I agree that she can come across as pretentious to some people by assuming the MC is trying to flirt with her but going as far as wanting a choice to plan revenge is too much in my opinion though I agree it was just young girls being immature.

Them joking about the MC's pick up lines was just banter to me but I can see why people might get annoyed by it though I don't agree with them.

I'm only really interested in Tianna so far anyway so I don't really give a shit about the other characters.