VERSION: 1.0 (Chapter I through VIII)
Dark Neighborhood introduces the player to a quaint, suburban avenue and its inhabitants via the internal monologue of a starving deity on the prowl; it craves the sensual energy that bleeds from the wanton coupling of the sexually depraved. An interesting premise to be sure and, sadly, completely squandered in this inadvertent satire of erotic visual novels.
The script from which Dark Neighborhood takes its cues is, indisputably, the most amateur-tier writing imaginable, gleefully employing every grammatical and typographical error imaginable. It manages this, however, with such wilful disregard as to impart some humor to the entire affair. Indeed, as the game progressed and I discovered that not one line managed to eke by without an error, I couldn't help but chuckle. As in film, I began to believe that this, surely, was a game that had achieved the lofty ideal of being so-bad-it's-good.
Take any of the following, for instance, copied verbatim...
"Well that was mellow-dramatic."
"Even the smartest of humans have one tenth the IQ of a diety."
"I'm sure his hormones are still raging inside of him being cooked up with this many beauties in one house hold."
"A sense of Eeriness and unease fills your body..."
"So-some kind of alter?"
"You peak around each of your mothers dresser drawers..."
"This little shit better have some explaining to do.."
"Your mother walks past you bristly in an authorative yet swaying walk."
"What Happened?!"
"...barely scraping by just making ends meat."
"Gah! MOM y-y-you're.... your pa-"
"...her skirt road up so high I can see the full front of her panties."
"Who's hairs are these?"
"...whos vagina the hairs came from."
"Last one to the cars rotten egg"
"Your mother erects from underneath her seat."
"There's Sharons car, she must be home, were in luck."
"I'm going to help you with the only way I can."
"L-lilly... Y-y-y-you're ass!"
"You begin to drool at the site of your young little baby sisters plump pussy through her panties."
"I am going to strangulate you, you little pervert!!"
"Your penis slowly tears through your pants and stairs directly at you while you are still unaware of its presence."
"Not a sole can know what just happened here."
Apart from the classic there/their/they're errors, which appear with such frequency as to be mundane, Dark Neighborhood continually astonishes with the sheer variety of its flaws. Admittedly, some of the writing is so poorly articulated as to be somewhat off putting.
"The feeling of tiny female undergarment tightly wrapped around the soft skin of juicy, womanly flesh."
There's also the equally disgusting motivations of our protagonist: whilst dreaming, the young man literally describes why he desires so earnestly to sleep with his family members. When speaking of his mother, he notes how she needs to feel desirable. His younger sister should be open to new experiences. His elder sister, well, "
for all the shit she has put me through in my life." He closes this charming monologue with "
I really do care for them..."
Fortunately, that very introductory sequence also provides adequate distraction via one of its many illogical scenes.
The deity, which is also intermittently referred to as a demon, enters the elder sister's room to find her in a face down, ass up position, supporting herself on the side of her head, elbows and knees alone. A very provocative stance, particularly from a man's perspective, but far from comfortable. Imagine, then, the absolute hilarity of it all as the demon declares that she is asleep! As if anyone could ever fall asleep like that, much less wake from it without finding their back in knots, neck horribly out of alignment and their entire body numb from the waist down.
We are also treated, within the first chapter, to a scene in which the protagonist and his younger sister are facing each other, on an even surface, in profile. The image clearly portrays the male as scarcely taller than his sister, yet she notes that "
at least your 6 inches taller than me." The obvious typo notwithstanding, the odd assertion that this kid is even six centimeters, much less 6 inches, taller than her is hilariously unfounded.
Still, the illogicality of contrived scenarios thunders on: the game quite literally begins with our protagonist waking in bed to a gloriously sunny day, having overslept. He remarks that it's a shame and he'll likely be in trouble, given that he missed the opportunity to go job hunting. After wandering throughout the house, the protagonist is eventually forced to click the last remaining area and proceed toward the front door. There, the player meets the mother and two sisters, all of whom are furious at the protagonist for not having responded earlier. They claim to have been stuck outside for "20 minutes" in the blazing heat, attempting to force their way through the screen door in the back and knocking for his attention. He, they claim, locked them out. Three grown women left the house, somehow locked the door behind themselves, ventured off into the world and returned to find, lo and behold, the door remained locked. This, somehow, is the protagonist's fault? The mother then proceeds to berate her son after he confesses to sleeping in, missing the opportunity for some job hunting... which, obviously, would have precluded him from being there to unlock the door. Ergo, if he had been awake and job hunting, he wouldn't have been present, the door would remain locked and... somehow it's his fault?
Less than fifteen minutes into the game and I was genuinely struggling to determine if this was an intentionally crafted disaster, crafted by some mad genius, or the result of such sheer incompetence it could only have arisen from the mind of a madman.
Take, for example, a scene that occurs at the neighbor's home. While still wearing the same pair of shorts through which his erection has literally burst twice on that very day, the protagonist experiences another erection in the car with his mother. This is, as the images convey, a direct result of her skirt being torn off entirely by a nail in their fence, exposing her low-cut panties. She, naturally, opts to continue in this state of undress and, on seeing the "pain" he's experiencing, rushes them, barely clad and with his penis exposed, across the street and to the neighbor's home.
With a flying kick the mother bursts through the door, adding breaking and entering to the charge of public indecency, to discover their neighbor in her underwear. The svelte woman in her bra and panties, no doubt aided by the slack-jawed expression on her face, causes the protagonist to "
overheat at the site," falling to his knees to "
scream in anguish."
I'll admit: I laughed. Aloud. For a good two or three seconds.
But the game didn't quit. Determined to push the dial to eleven, it continued.
The image cuts to a wide-eyed shot of the mother who remarks about her son's exposed rear end as, after all, what choice did he have when dropping to the ground but to tear off his ruined shorts? Line by line, precisely as seen below, she thinks...
"I haven't seen my baby's bare butt since he was just a boy."
"He really has grown into a..."
"handsome man."
Oh, sure, he has a 10-inch erection that's been flailing about for the past few minutes, but have you seen his butt?
Also, I've never witnessed a writer use the term "motherly" quite so often nor in so many unique fashions. Her giant motherly booty. Motherly breasts. Motherly emotions. Filled with motherly thoughts. My favorite, however, typo included, was the "
smell of a swollen, motherly bossom."
All within the same scene.
Lest I neglect to mention it, the cast is also quite susceptible to the notion that any swelling of the protagonist's penis may cause irreparable harm. Grown women, a nurse and mother included, all earnest in their concern that: "
Prolonged erections can either cause permanent damage or n some cases, may be fatal." The protagonist also alludes to this, mentioning repeatedly how he feels the blood flowing out of his brain. Indeed, his mother is absolutely horrified at the sight when it occurs in her bedroom, aghast that his member may literally explode... and yet, should you select the option to "show me just a little more of your sexy skin ma.." she will immediately frown, shed any semblance of concern and request that you leave immediately. So much for that explosion, huh?
Choices throughout the game adhere to this same pattern, being either binary win/lose outcomes or entirely false, with either having the exact same effect. Approach the neighbor's door, for instance, and you'll be presented the option to "Knock" or "Leave." Hit the latter and the sound of knocking occurs as the player bemoans her loud music that prevents it from being heard. Enter the kitchen before speaking to your siblings and you'll be faced with your mother, questioning whether you're ready to go shopping. "No" is your only possible response. The entire introduction prompts you, repeatedly, to click the one and only option available in order to progress the story. As opposed to what you've already been doing: clicking the screen to progress the story.
Why, a thoughtful player might inquire, offer a choice when there isn't one to be made?
The writing is atrocious, even by fan fiction standards, the gameplay is nonexistent and, unfortunately, even the graphics disappoint. Dated, low-resolution textures and equally low poly-count models combine to create a series of poorly arranged static images that feature obvious clipping and rendering or compression artifacts. There are no animations to be found, nor even the barest semblance of artistic framing.
Of course, even in this respect the game inadvertently interjects some humor. At times the protagonist has white, skunk-like streaks in his otherwise dark hair. In others it is pure black, or gray, yet in the sunlight it shines like burnished steel. Lighting, across the board, is poor, either washing out scenes or illuminating items so brightly they appear metallic. Worse yet, entire sequences are text-only, stark white letters over a pure black background; one line at a time. In a "visual novel," the visual element should never be neglected.
It was, however, a scene at the pool which convinced me to prematurely cease playing. I knew there was no progressing beyond that point, no way I could make it through with my sanity intact: the protagonist stumbles into the backyard and hears "
a strange splashing sound" emanating from the pool. The player knows it's a person, but our intrepid hero is shocked to find his elder sister in the pool. Topless. She immediately accuses the protagonist of peeping and desiring to touch her "
giant E sized breasts...!"
Leaping forward, she attempts to smother the protagonist, momentarily pinning him with her vastly superior strength. Here, the player is provided an opportunity to "overpower her!" Choosing that option, the protagonist manages to position her in a "
strange hold" now sitting atop her breasts with knees pointed at her head. It is at this point he swears not to hurt her, but to cause her pain...
"You let loose on top of your big sister."
Literally screaming "
GAAAAAAAAAA!" and "
GRRRRRRR!" the protagonist expels "
one fart after the other, directly into your sister's face, and her nostrils." It is then that "
in a trance, you continue to explode on your sister."
I completely lost it.
Inadvertently clicking the screen to continue, my entire body shaking with scarcely restrained laughter and eyes tearing over at the sheer, unabashed travesty this game had become, I could make out one final line of dialogue before I hit the exit button: "
I am the man of the house now."
GRAPHICS --------------------------------------------------- 4 / 10
+ Consistent style. Few cases of any blatant disparity in the quality of its assets.
+ Use of the font from Diablo was an interesting choice for the demon.
- Low quality models with poor textures, particularly when compared against its contemporaries, often employing odd framing and unattractive facial expressions.
- Poor renders. Low-resolution and prone to lighting-based flaws.
- Compression and rendering artifacts are abundant.
- No animated sequences.
DIALOGUE --------------------------------------------------- 0 / 10
- Every conceivable typographical or grammatical error.
- Borderline nonsensical writing with all manner of logical inconsistencies and contrivances that are discarded the moment they no longer serve a narrative purpose.
- Terrible characterization and a thoroughly unlikable cast.
- The script contradicts itself, including dialogue sequences that make explicitly false assertions.
- Onomatopoeia is frequently, yet improperly, used throughout and contributes to the inadvertent humor.
GAMEPLAY -------------------------------------------------- 2 / 10
- No sense of genuine player-agency. Many choices are false, with binary outcomes, others offer no choice whatsoever.
- Navigation is burdensome.
- GUI is poorly designed, obscuring elements and requiring excessive mouse-movement. No quick navigation options, character tracking or environmental interaction.
INNOVATION ----------------------------------------------- 1 / 10
+ Interesting overarching concept; possession by a lustful demon that bestows powers upon its host is bursting with potential.
- Concept is poorly utilized and contributes nothing to the actual gameplay.
- Hollow mass of genre-specific tropes, devoid of novel perspectives or lampshading.
SCORE ==================== 7 / 40
SO-BAD-IT'S-GOOD STILL MEANS THAT IT'S BAD
As a grotesque parody of the genre Dark Neighbourhood is flawless, satirizing so many of the common visual novel tropes from incest-centric relationships to scantily clad women, well-endowed protagonists to lackluster mechanics; unfortunately, the intent behind its development appears to be sincere and, in that respect, the game is a shambling, incoherent, artistically bankrupt production. Try it if you need a laugh, but be warned, as the name implies: this is a bad neighborhood.
