- Jan 3, 2021
- 1,159
- 3,798
Are you sure they are a native English speaker? Are they allowed to make editorial changes, or are they only making sure it is at least understandable? Cause the writing is understandable, it's just very awkward and off-putting. For example...
"Emilie got on her four. He took it doggy style making her gasped as he was so deep inside her it was almost hurting.
"Fuck me harder Daddy!"
ordered Emilie, not taking no as an answer.
On this point he was thrilled to comply! and even grabbed her hairs. She arched her back even more yelling of excitment."
Got on her four what? Four limbs? You just wouldn't say that. The phrase you're looking for it something along the lines of 'Emilie got on all fours', with the 'four' being implied to be her four limbs in this context (the 'her' is also implied and not needed), as she's moving into the doggy-style position (you literally click on the option labeled 'Doggy' to get to this text).
The rest doesn't fare much better. 'it' feels both coldly impersonal and unspecified. What is the 'it' in that sense? Is 'it' Emilie? Then it should be 'He took her in the doggy style..." Having 'gasp' in the past tense is incorrect. "...was almost hurting" is an incredibly awkward and unnatural phrasing to get that idea across (e.g. improper past tense), and belies a non-native speaker.
More of a style correction. But in game, Emilie's specific dialogue is indented and separated form the sentences setting the scene both before and after. Even still, the "ordered Emilie, not taking no for an answer" is presented as it's own sentence, complete with a line break separating it from Emilie's dialogue. It therefore should be capitalized, since it's not being presented as one continuous sentence. Or perhaps lead with an ellipsis, denoting an explicit continuation of thought from the previous dialogue. But what it probably shouldn't be is just starting a new line with a lowercase letter.
"On this point he was thrilled to comply!" is a bit stiff, but probably wouldn't stand out as bad if the writing around it were more solid.
"and even grabbed her hairs." Okay, you ended the last sentence with an exclamation mark, so you need a capitol here. Or you could try combining both sentences with a comma and ending the entire thing with an exclamation mark. I'd probably go for the later, and also use that as a chance to add some more detail to flesh things out.
"She arched her back even more yelling of excitment." Excitement is just flat out misspelled. Nobody is 'yelling of excitement' either. She might be 'yelling in excitement'. You could also 'yell of excitement', making it singular and past tense. But 'yelling' would denote it being continuous as opposed to a singular utterance, and thus using 'of' just sounds wrong.
Also, it's all kind of just suffering from a lack of flavor text, ancillary details and such; the writing overall could use a bit more spice. So if I (a native speaker) were tasked to re-write that into something more legible, natural sounding, and spicier; it would be something like this...
"Emilie eagerly got on all fours. Eric quickly took her from behind with enthusiasm, making Emilie gasp in surprise as he hilted himself so deeply it almost hurt.
"Fuck me harder Daddy!"
...ordered Emilie. It wasn't enough, she needed more, and she was not taking 'no' for an answer.
On this point Eric was thrilled to comply, grabbing up her hair for a better grip as he increased his tempo. She arched her back even more, letting out a throaty yell of excitement in response to his vigorous pounding!"
Honestly? Rewriting those sentences themselves took less time than writing the rest of this post actually explaining the critique. Again, what is written is more than readable and enjoyable in the broad strokes; but it still comes off as quite awkward and obtuse at times, especially so in the details.
