All gay content except for the dad is trap/femboy as the dad is the only masculine character. If you only focus on the dad, it's a very very very short read.
- Thread starter Oedipal_Underwear
- Start date
- Jun 11, 2017
- 283
- 388
I very much like it, despite being short in the m/m route. The small html links to all images, the media is sufficient and well selected, with very good consistency and coherence to the story.
The storytelling is engaging and leave us waiting for more
Good, especially for a 0.01. Again, there are many 1.1 'games' around here that are not nearly as half as polished as this one is.
The storytelling is engaging and leave us waiting for more
Good, especially for a 0.01. Again, there are many 1.1 'games' around here that are not nearly as half as polished as this one is.
- Feb 20, 2021
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Sorry Tense shifting was the wrong term, this is an issue with PoV shifting.
The first is a simple issue "be dismissive and tell her it was awkward" which is 1st person perspective, but most of your writing is jumping between 3rd person limited and 3rd person omni. This is an easy change, just have it be "MC decided to be Dismissive."
"Her brother came back over and, before cleaning up, gave her a deep kiss. He rested his forehead to hers, looking into her eyes." which is now in the sisters PoV, and then you switch again to a omniscient PoV at times with "MC and Kaylee hadn't really spoken about that night, perhaps out of fear of ruining the moment, but they continued their bedtime kisses and remained as close as they could hope to be." As we now know things the MC couldn't know.
Also just as a general writing tip, you use a lot of general statements in your writing. " At the start of the second week, he decided he needed to build closer relationships with the people around him." 1st of all your kinda just telling us that the MC does this, but don't explain why he decides to do this. What about the second week made him want to do this? 2nd its a redundant statement, if were going to see the MC make actions that show us he wants to get to know the other people then we don't need this statement telling us that he is going to do it.
You do this again with "On the other hand, another girl in his class seemed to want his attention, and in no casual way." Which in this case is followed by "Allie made sure to stand directly in front of him as she walked to her seat every class, greeting him awkwardly. She seemed almost obsessive about it."
We don't need the first sentence as its just telling us what the 2nd sentence is showing us.
It would be like saying "MC got on a bus. He rushed up the bus steps almost tripping into the driver."
- Mar 30, 2021
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Aha. I understand what you're saying now. Truth be told (and maybe I shouldn't say this), I'm really not focusing much on the quality of the writing. This is more quantity over quality for me, and any exposition for the scenes is far more of a vehicle to the scene itself. I guess if people are invested in the writing and are actually looking for something more akin to an erotic novel, I'll invest a little more attention to the quality of the writing. That said, I appreciate the point about the limited PoV and occasionally shifting PoV. When I started this, I didn't intend to have a protagonist and was going to just have an 3rd person omni perspective across the family, but obviously it didn't turn out that way, so that narrative style is something jarring.
Images are online. I'm sure that links to imgur will age well.
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- Mar 30, 2021
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- Mar 30, 2021
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Maybe in a couple of weeks. I'm realizing that the more I get into multiple paths and options, the slower it goes (obviously).
- Jul 17, 2020
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If you're talking about the story mode, that's Cody Cummings.
- Oct 24, 2019
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Hard pass for me. All of the content is online apparently on imgur.com. I have no idea who might control it. Until the dev spiders all of this to make a local media folder, I'm out.
- Mar 30, 2021
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Sorry to hear that. It's just jpeg images and some mp4 videos, but I guess I understand the concern of clicking links, even if they load right in the window. I believe there's a way to include local images in the program I use, but either I'm too dumb to figure it out or it's not exactly what I thought it was. Either way, I get it. Hope you find other stuff on here that's more up your alley. Cheers!
- Mar 30, 2021
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- May 24, 2020
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okay... If its not too late i really recommend moving over to sugarcube 2, its just such a better experience and it wouldn't be too much work
also an offline version is a must
also an offline version is a must
- Mar 30, 2021
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Thanks for the recommendation! I'll have to look into that. If it's not already painfully obvious, I'm about as much of an amateur when it comes to this stuff as anyone, so if that helps elevate the Twine capabilities easily, then that sounds great.
- Sep 29, 2017
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