Well this is doing some interesting things. You've got decent writing chops. Solid English too. Only a few minor errors and translation weirdness. Rain's kinda a dumbass huh, haha. Though I can understand part of why he's like that. Mostly uneducated and totally traumatized. Bro does not have a lot of hope to be much else. Hilarious to construct this elaborate fantasy for Hannah when you did not have to fuckin do that. A little frustrating to witness too. Haha.
To address the femdom discourse. I'm not exactly fond of femdom, mostly I think it's boring. Doesn't really do it for me. Not really a visceral dislike though. Maledom is common enough, I can hardly begrudge a femdom focus. But people do often have strong reactions to Dominance of any variety. For a variety of reasons. I kind of think people are overreacting though. No one ever freaks out like this at a rough male dom scene.
But yeah, as some people have stated. You may wish to consider giving people more choices in such matters. People typically play VNs as opposed to just, reading a book, watching something, or reading a comic because they want the ability to engage with a little gameplay. Make some choices, raise some stats, whatever it is. That bit in the prologue was a great example of that sort of thing. Choosing the way a character approaches sex is pretty perfect way to achieve that desire in an H-game.
But, I don't want to backseat your game. That approach is potentially a lot of extra work, and file space, so I get it. Tell your story how you want to. You're doing pretty well. I also recognize that Leon getting dommed in particular is just straight up characterization, so whatever people think of femdom, that's that.