So, great update again but obviously you try to stretch too many girl interactions in without a lot of repercussions from them being all that apparent, also the girl in the locker room just felt like a cheap H scene that didn't need to be in there.
I mean in one update he talked to Fighter girl he trains with, the cute little sister of his friend, the curvy girl in the park, the Hottie who works in the bar with Jess, the throw away from the Locker room, and Jess is very clearly starting to regret her decision about them taking a break.
As far as the english goes: I can tell you aren't a native speaker, but this doesn't feel as sloppy as a translator. It feels more like reading someone from an Eastern European country trying to speak American English. You should try to find a native speaker to translate your scripts for you.
There were a few missing images during the Fight Slut's sex scene too.