VN Ren'Py Abandoned Lovers Lane [v0.1] [Mr.X]

[lazycodemonkey]

JFC on a pogo stick! That's like 20 books' worth!

There are actually 21 books.
You can find the original books with pictures and no login here:

You must be registered to see the links

 

[Deleted member 54063]

Renders might be nice. But I seriously don't understand the thinking behind that inanely long introduction and excessive - and sometimes confusing - narration.

95% of that introduction (if not all), could have been explained either naturally (we can see someone has breasts, we don't need to be told) or through dialogue in the story. Which would have made it a lot more interesting, and which could have opened up a lot more opportunities for interactions. The narration honestly takes the player for an idiot, with excisive hand holding.

And the points Quaszog55 raised are correct. Some thoughts and narration are written together. Thoughts are sometimes written as speech. Even the most basic of grammar and punctuation was ignored. It's all very confusing and breaks the flow.

All in all, there is an inherent and clear misunderstanding of storytelling and writing on display here. Safe to say, this isn't one I'll be rushing out to support, any time soon.

 

[Vezzeli]

This game needs a total rewrite. The dev does not understand the difference between direct and indirect speech, third and first person narrator and doesn't give a shit about marking thoughts and speech of a character or descriptions about one in the code. He also mixes them up together without using punctuation or paragraphs (e.g. in the same sentences the third person narrator describes how the aunt thinks in first person speech about her plot, without using proper signs: ':', ',' , "..." ect). Impossible to read and enjoy. This isn't even Engrish anymore its martian. It ignores any grammar, punctuation, markings, indexes or refferences to any form of grammar, dialogue level or narrator stance.

Exactly what I was going to say. So hard to see who speaks or thinks with this.

 

[vengefulspirit]

Its seemingly not just inspired, it's legit plagiarism. That description is copied from Spacer X's description of his work word for word. Just read the second paragraph in the "What Is This Story?" section on that link.

Paying homage to something is ok. Copying and pasting everything and then selling it is not.

 

[ThunderRob]

so far so good..except "anal leakage"...runs screaming :O
one hopes one gets to visit mega hot Asian nurse again and that it wasnt just a one time "aww come on man..thats all?"

 

[vengefulspirit]

If someone who has downloaded it wants to compare the intro to the story:

You must be registered to see the links

Im guessing he has poorly transcribed the story, and given the different format has gotten things confused. But I dont have time right now to dl it and check it out.

 

[DD0]

Haha another MC with supersized dick syndrome. Just give the guy a regular sized penis, we aren't playing these games to admire sizes anyway and it just ends up looking kinda stupid.

What does "regular size" even mean? I know the average size for my own country, but that is hardly universal. A described 8 inches erect is well above average but isn't spectacular and is probably fairly common. I prefer that to some people's idea of "regular size" in these games, which can be a bit small.
The visuals though...I understand where you're coming from but I'm not bothered. We've all seen bigger in porn, and this is a pornographic game. It isn't like it's some ridiculous "Battle of the Bulges" monster.

 

[Deleted member 54063]

Renders might be nice. But I seriously don't understand the thinking behind that inanely long introduction and excessive - and sometimes confusing - narration.

95% of that introduction (if not all), could have been explained either naturally (we can see someone has breasts, we don't need to be told) or through dialogue in the story. Which would have made it a lot more interesting, and which could have opened up a lot more opportunities for interactions. The narration honestly takes the player for an idiot, with excisive hand holding.

And the points Quaszog55 raised are correct. Some thoughts and narration are written together. Thoughts are sometimes written as speech. Even the most basic of grammar and punctuation was ignored. It's all very confusing and breaks the flow.

All in all, there is an inherent and clear misunderstanding of storytelling and writing on display here. Safe to say, this isn't one I'll be rushing out to support, any time soon.

Ah, from reading above about Spencer X's "Six Times A Day". I see now. Too bad the quality of writing couldn't be copied too.

I think I'll start reading that story, because I can't read the poor version in the game.

 

[Eerie Entity]

I agree with what @Quaszog55 said, the whole thing should be rewritten and then proper attention paid to punctuation and the whole nine yards. It really was quite painful to read at times, not knowing who was speaking, who was thinking, and at times it was the wrong person thinking/speaking certain things. But this was just the premise, those issues should be easily fixed, especially since we're only at the beginning, so fix those issues and then in the future pay more closer attention to those things, to prevent the same mistakes

What can I say about the story? Hmm, well, knowing "Aunt's" background, I'd rather not be involved with her in any way, other than just being simple neighbors and that's it, I have no appreciation for people like that, would prefer someone else to help MC with his...condition.
And I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what, but I'm being alerted by possible NTR that might take place in the story later, in example that Doc drooling over MC's mom (and Aunt since MC is probably more or less forced to be her toy), and that rape tag also is making me uneasy, don't care who's doing the raping and raping who.
The overview sounded pretty cool, but currently the vibe I'm getting from the story is generally making me uneasy, so I'm going to be rather cautious when playing new updates from here on in.

Having said that, I am interested to see where the story will go.

 

[quietkiller]

yea .... what happened to thoughts in italic and actual correct names for dialogue?

gotta admit tho, there is one thing i rarely or ever saw in adult games: the levels of cringe and shame susan and MC (?) feel is very well done. i could almost feel that thing like a baseball bat on my forehead

 

[kalik]

Everything I wanted to say about this game has been said on this first page!
I still like the game and I think it has a lot potential.

 

[hazoltd]

Good stuff

 

[vengefulspirit]

Bit the bullet and downloaded it. It is almost entirely copied and pasted. Its all janky because Mr X clearly wanted to cut stuff down so just left some chunks out, or cut halfway through sentences and then added fullstops in the gap for no reason, or occasionally wrote some grammatically incorrect sentences to join two copy-pastes together.

This is a guy asking for money for someone elses work. Dont give it to him.

Also report the patreon page if you have a login. If it does have some affiliation with Spacer X (which seems doubtful) then they will know, otherwise theyll hopefully sort it out.

 

[kortanar]

the middle ginger is creepy as shit, and the brunette looks dead inside, the dick is stretched beyond ages, and i havent even downloaded it. might check back in hte future, but at the moment, looks half assed as all hell

 

[Quaszog55]

It is a good basis for a game regardless. But I doubt there is any connection considering he does not use the username Spacer X and does not mention the story

You must be registered to see the links

Good basis, i say thats copy pasty dude.

Mr..Xxx you should get SpacerX's permission when you want to create a game inspired by his book or at least give him credit.

Second that one.

 

[retardedusername]

There are actually 21 books.
You can find the original books with pictures and no login here:

You must be registered to see the links

holy shit...
I wonder if they are interested in turning it into a VN???
something tells me a monkey could do better than this current one.
only problem with turning a novel into a virtual novel is there is no room for choices. that would require flexibility in the story structure which really isn't how novels work.

 

[Quaszog55]

There are actually 21 books.
You can find the original books with pictures and no login here:

You must be registered to see the links

Yeah stick with the original. the artwork is okay if you need inspiration to fap.

 

[ThunderRob]

objects look bigger than they really are..i mean come on..LOL..i'm bigger than 7.9 yet look smaller than that..MATH dammit!!!..hehehehe...(humour) i enjoyed it..i like wordy games...i hope though..options are available to perhaps seek release from Asian nursey of yum...and avoid skanky manipulative neighbor slut...i already hate her...lol

 

[DD0]

Can confirm this is a complete plagiarism of SpacerX's work. He didn't even change the names of the characters!
There IS the remote possibility that he is or is related to SpacerX though.

 

[ThunderRob]

so..if it turns out it is total plagiarism and it gets back to the originating author..we shouldnt expect a 2nd update?..lol