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Ello Otters!
Where to begin, huh? This has been a story I've been trying to tell for a while, so let's go ahead and get right into it. It's going to be a lengthy one, so read as little or as much as you want! The next post will be way more exciting, as it pertains to how anyone can participate in the Chapter 4 Beta. Now, with that said... let's dive into it.
Part 1: Independence
Back near the end of 2023, it got to the point where it was becoming way too hard to keep up with demand while also working a full-time job. I was having to work on Matrix Hearts between things, which wasn't always a recipe for quick completion. I was making enough money from Steam to be able to live off of money from the game. I made the decision to work one more project for my full-time job which lasted until March.
It was also becoming increasingly difficult to dodge the expectations of those online. I will say most of my fans are kind, respectful players who tell me to take all the time I need on something. The other part is the squeaky wheel... loud, obtrusive, and quite mean to put it nicely. It took me a while to learn how to let these type of players slide off my back, but eventually I did learn! That still applies today, although people are much more valid for being more angsty considering the time its been between stuff. With that said, people are still people, and everyone deserves to be treated with respect if you don't know what kind of personal problems they are going through.
This is about the time I decided to take a healthier approach to things and spend less time online. But this would quickly turn into something much, much more introverted...
Part 2: What is Important
In March I started working full-time time on the game, which was going swimmingly for a bit! I had also bought tickets to a special event that year which was quite possibly the biggest, brightest highlight on what soon wouldn't be so hot.
When I got back from vacation... it happened. This isn't a story I'm going to tell in too much detail, but chances are some of you know what this is like, and it was my first time having to deal with it. Someone close to me got sick.
When someone in your family gets sick, no matter if it's your grandma or even the parrot (does anyone here own birds? I hear they are messy), it's a very hard thing to deal with.
I had to help someone live on hospice care. It literally took every minute of the day for months. I don't regret it... at all. Fuck, I'd do it again. When you love someone that much, you don't care. You simply take it with a smile so they can be as comfortable as possible.
It was an emotionally draining couple of months. Tack on the sheer punch to your gut when it's all over... I wasn't doing great. I ignored any and all things pertaining to work or even personal stuff. I kept telling myself I'd get better... it would get better. I probably would have handled it better had I been in a better state of mind, but I think the whole mental overload from the start of the year really didn't help.
If you combine all that together, it wasn't healthy.
Part 3: Wellness
Anyone who thinks therapy is a joke or it's for the weak are fools. Never joke about mental health. Trust me, I'll never look at it the same way again because... well, I had to go there.
I couldn't even work. I tried to pick myself up in September, but every time I tried, I would work for a few days and then mentally collapse. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I would come onto Patreon and whatnot and declare that I was back, that I was ready to go, get to work, and a week later pretty much be unable to.
After a few months, my sister finally helped me see that I had mental health issues going on, which I thought couldn't possibly be true. I thought it was simply a matter of not wanting to face the internet or not having motivation.
I won't make you yawn with all the specifics, but my sister... was very right. I sought out a mental health specialist in America (it was harder to find one in Canada) to work with. They even had an entire name for what I had, which wasn't the common depression or whatever you hear about online. Turns out there's a ton of different mental health disorders people can have.
I started working with this specialist at the start of this year. She told me that it isn't a quick fix. It's all dependent on me, my mind, and how much effort I wanted to put into getting better.
All I wanted was to get better at that point, to get back to the game... to live well again.
Part 4: Motivation
I was able to do things for the game here or there, but it was never sustained work. I knew it was something I couldn't wait to get back to though. I missed my games, my workload... I missed it all. But I also knew if I rushed recovery, then I wouldn't recover.
This was a very personal thing. Sure, I could have gotten online and explained all of it, and I said a few words a while back but nothing specific. It wasn't something I wanted to tell all of you until I was sure I was ready to, until I knew I was back in my right state of mind.
Around later summer, I had finally put in so much work on my mental health that my therapist smiled and told me I was ready whenever I felt like I was, but that in order to do so, I had to make sure I was 100% ready to go. This time, I was.
My mind was back to normal. My motivation for wanting to work was at an all time high! That's when I decided to focus work on Maelstrom, my newest game. Doing something new felt... good. It felt reinvigorated. It was like I had truly taken a new step forward. This also had an added bonus of giving me motivation to get back to Matrix Hearts!
It was also a humble beginning. A huge part of my delays was and is always because of animations and advanced programming. That's when I decided, fuck it, I'm going to do all of this myself. It took me half a year to learn how to do my renders, so it wouldn't take that much time, yeah?
Oh... it would.
It's been humbling to say the least. I've gotten to the point where I can now do all the advanced programming my friend used to do for me, such as the point and click stuff, the in-game phone bits, and so on. But that took quite a while to learn that level of Python.
Then there's animating... I'm still not that great at it. Fuck, I still have a ways to go for it to be considered good enough to put in the game. I might have to lean on someone else for Chapter 4 for now, but I'm still trying to get it to where I am fully independent, as I wanted to be a year ago.
But I knew before returning to being a full-time game developer, I needed to be truly happy again... which brings me, and us, to now.
Part 5: The Island Life
I have made the choice our favorite MC has made in the game... I moved to an island.
Around late summer, it truly became apparent that my mental health wasn't being helped by my current environment. I had been in Canada for so many years it didn't occur to me that the country, the weather, the fact that it was where my brain had broken... wasn't doing me any favors.
I didn't want to end up in the same situation again. It was time for new beginnings.
Most of everyone I know lives in Canada, but there is a small faction that rebeled against that idea and moved to America years ago. I know, you're gonna say that's not much better, but that's relative to your situation, and mine needed to change. Thus, I made arrangements to move to Hawaii!
It was a tiresome process. Even if I wanted to work, I couldn't for about a month because of the whole move. You'd think Canada would have been the easy part, but everything in that fucking country made it difficult to fucking leave. Somehow, America was being nicer!!!
I am finally now settled in Hawaii. It's warm. It's tropical. For the first time in almost 2 years, I feel like I can breathe again. I can live again. I'm a brand new Otter! I started working in full again this week, which felt like finally the right time to tell this story...
Where does that leave us now? Well, that depends how much you care, I guess. Think of it as a hiatus from the game. No more pussy footing around. No more starting and stopping. Now you all know the reason why, and I hope it will alleviate some of your frustrations not with me, but for the delays in development.
If I was a studio, this wouldn't be a big deal. But I'm not. I'm one Otter. In order for things to work, I gotta work! That's kind of how things are. Would I have preferred these things never have happened? Absolutely! But you know what... I'm a better Otter because of it.
You could say I acquired enough Matrix Hearts.
Now... where does that leave us with development! Well, Maelstrom Chapter 1 is ready to go once the animations are finished. I'm having someone do them so I can concentrate on finishing Chapter 4 of Matrix Hearts.
Chapter 4 is nearing completion. I'll have a full post on the upcoming beta, and how you can play it, next week.
I'm back, Otters. This time in 2025 for real. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everyone who has been so patient with me, who has been understanding. Get ready to go back to the beach, to play more Otter games, because the adventures are about to continue now that I have all my own Matrix Hearts.
-Otter
