Every time I'm reminded of that phrase (all the more significant because it appears several times like a leitmotiv) I again think at the root of it all IN TERMS OF SELF-PERCEPTION is her firm conviction/obsession, that everything depends on her, that she has to deal with the perceived danger all on her own, out of her own ressources, that she must do it and that only she can do it or something horrible happens. "Big girl" means: there is someting demanded of her and she can endure it. It means: she is beyond those scruples of sensibilities and dignity, she can't afford them, can'T pay attention to them, there are more important matters at stake and Hutch should realise that, too and let her act. The phrase subtly shifts the problem from "should I do it" to "can I do it". She (for a long time in her marriage obviously) feels forced to be the "adult in the room" who deals with things and takes them into her own hands and doesn't realise how she degrades herself by that, she simply blends it out because of it. It's a mixture of entitlement/hubris and burden/sacrifice in that phrase. She gets off on and is stressed at the same time by this presumption of agency. And this self-image silences all thoughts about the consequences, makes her immune to it in the moment and at the same time lets down her defenses. (Or she clearly thinks she can deal with the consequences meaning Hutch's feelings in the same way, in terms of a managment of problems). That's the aspect which draws her in before the addiction to the boss starts. It explains this attitude of "I must" at the beginning (and that phrase veils perfectly how much the "I must" is actually an "I want" further down the line)..
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