Ren'Py Completed My Real Desire [Epilogue Full] [Lyk4n]

[Eechii]

Not sure if this is a known bug or if my download wasn't complete or something, lots of typos, seems to be an error checking only sally after chapter 1, some other bug I forgot & this, I assume there was meant to be images & it just gave a black screen instead, this is on mobile

I'm getting this too on the latest android download. I'm guessing it's videos? I'm in Chapter 1, just started, and each time a character is introduced the image freezes for a moment before I can move on, I'm assuming it's trying to play a video or animation. Then, the sex scenes, they're black like yours. I get the Faster/Slower prompts but literally see nothing but black.

There's also a lot of errors when navigating or replying to messages on the phone, or, looking at Sally's bio on the phone.

 

[Tyson Mikel]

This fucking moron insulting MRD MC.
He has a poor taste but, why the hell this asshole insulting our MC.
Fucking idiot.

 

[Bradd D]

View attachment 3302843
This fucking maron insulting MRD MC.
He has a poor taste but, why the hell this asshol insulting our MC.
Fucking idiot.

What is a "maron"?

 

[Deleted member 6866577]

What is a "maron"?

I think he wants to write "moron" but spelling mistake I guess.

 

[Tyson Mikel]

I think he wants to write "moron" but spelling mistake I guess.

I think he wants to write "moron" but spelling mistake I guess.

Oh fuck!!! I didn't notice I was so pissed off at that movement.

 

[nandesta]

Wow amazing. This is my new favorites !!

 

[Deleted member 6866577]

Wow amazing. This is my new favorites !!

Me also Mc's so unique

 

[Deleted member 6866577]

Oh fuck!!! I didn't notice I was so pissed off at that movement.

Sorry dude now you don't have to explain anything.

 

[EvolutionKills]

Fucking hell. Does this ever evolve past Engrish at some point? I haven't even named the protagonist yet, and almost every single sentence has some glaringly obvious issues.

 

[shitass1001]

Fucking hell. Does this ever evolve past Engrish at some point? I haven't even named the protagonist yet, and almost every single sentence has some glaringly obvious issues.

The English isn't the best, but the story isn't half bad if you can handle the poor grammar

 

[EvolutionKills]

The English isn't the best, but the story isn't half bad if you can handle the poor grammar

So it's a pass then.

For me, storytelling is like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; you gotta cover your bases first. Self-actualizations doesn't do you much good when you're starving to death without a roof over your head at night. Likewise characterization and plot are afterthoughts if the incessant grammar mistakes are constantly taking you out of the experience.

Which is a real shame. You'd think a game with this many updates would have had the time to get at least one native English speaker to give the script a once over in... what? Nearly 4 years of development (since April of 2020)?

 

[Deleted member 6866577]

So it's a pass then.

For me, storytelling is like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; you gotta cover your bases first. Self-actualizations doesn't do you much good when you're starving to death without a roof over your head at night. Likewise characterization and plot are afterthoughts if the incessant grammar mistakes are constantly taking you out of the experience.

Which is a real shame. You'd think a game with this many updates would have had the time to get at least one native English speaker to give the script a once over in... what? Nearly 4 years of development (since April of 2020)?

Dude if you don't like this game okay then.
But please don't criticize this game.
There are lot of people still likes this game.
https://f95zone.to/threads/games-with-specifical-graphics.162087/
Here is the link you can find many HS2 or HS1 games, you can find your taste.

 

[shitass1001]

So it's a pass then.

For me, storytelling is like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; you gotta cover your bases first. Self-actualizations doesn't do you much good when you're starving to death without a roof over your head at night. Likewise characterization and plot are afterthoughts if the incessant grammar mistakes are constantly taking you out of the experience.

Which is a real shame. You'd think a game with this many updates would have had the time to get at least one native English speaker to give the script a once over in... what? Nearly 4 years of development (since April of 2020)?

It is a shame, but what can you do. Despite noticing the grammar mistakes I still enjoyed the story and characters quite a bit.

I personally feel like the base of the hierarchy of needs would be story, then characters, then grammar.

Dude if you don't like this game okay then.
But please don't criticize this game.
There are lot of people still likes this game.
https://f95zone.to/threads/games-with-specifical-graphics.162087/
Here is the link you can find many HS2 or HS1 games, you can find your taste.

dude, its ok to criticize a game. Especially when said game does have things worth criticizing, like the grammar. No one is saying its wrong for you to enjoy it, I enjoy it.

 

[EvolutionKills]

Dude if you don't like this game okay then.
But please don't criticize this game.
There are lot of people still likes this game.

You're fine to like and enjoy the game, but I can and will criticize games when they make mistakes. Grammatical ones are the easiest and most obvious, since unlike more subjective evaluations (characterization, plot, narrative, etc.) grammar actually does have some rules.

But I am not kidding about the intro, and I can show you if you'd like. Here is all of the dialogue from the start of the game, up until the player is asked to name the protagonist; and the various mistakes that a layperson can easily pick up on.





The 'it' is entirely unnecessary and clunky, and needs to be removed. The 'your' needs to be replaced with 'their' so that it flows and is consistent with the 'everyone' used earlier in the sentence. Also, this is the protagonist's thoughts, it is NOT a narrator talking to the audience, another reason why 'your' is inappropriate.

There is a quote, which I'm sure everyone must have heard at least once in their life.




Not wrong on it's own, but kind of unnecessary given that the last bit of dialogue was already setting up the quote. It's just extra verbiage. Not technically wrong, but if this was all a script in a singular document, an editor would absolutely highlight this as something to be removed to tighten up the writing.




This is the quote, use quotation marks. That how you cut out the prior sentence worth of sign posting to indicate that this part is the quote. Just use quotation marks. That's literally why they exist.

"You've only got one life to live, so you better live it right."




This isn't a complete sentence or thought, so ending it with a comma or a period incorrect. I'm all for writing dialogue in the vernacular, playing loose with grammatical rules to sell the audience on how a person or people actually talk as a means of characterization; but this is not that. If anything, this needs to end in an ellipsis to indicate a trailing thought. Although in light of the entire intro, this could do for an entire rewrite to better tighten up the theme if the intro.

To talk about a good life...

Or rewritten to better emphasize the theme.

What does it take to live a good life?




Nothing really wrong here, but it probably could have been combined with the prior line and changed a bit to make a complete sentence. Still, included for the sake of completion and to show that I haven't just been cherry-picking the worst lines to use as examples.

We all have our own definition of it.

But if I were to edit it for better conversational flow.

We all have our own definitions for it.




Now this might be a regional thing, but at least here in the US in conversational English, nobody would use 'seek' in this context, they would use 'search'. Not only that, but the whole sentence is clunky. The first part before the comma sets up the wealth angle, so restating it at the end by saying 'if they had a lot of money' is entirely unnecessary, since by definition being wealthy is having a lot of money. The last third of the sentence is clunky extra verbiage that should be cut entirely, and the remainder after the comma changed accordingly.

Some people search for wealth, because they think it would make their lives happier.




This was the point where I kinda knew that I was fucked. That I was probably never going to be able to gel with the author's attempt at prose, because the fundamentals are so distractingly bad. Going with 'having a good health' instead of the much simpler and more flowing 'being healthy' was the indicator that this person does not understand conversational English. But even then, it needs a little rewriting because you don't want to end two sentences in a row with the same word.

Some wish for good health, believing there is nothing better than being healthy.




Just an all around clunky sentence, that again, distracts from the attempt at prose. 'Thing' is too generic, and a more specific word should be used. Have we just been talking about random 'things' this whole time, or about specific 'things' that we could use a more specific word for? Should just be entirely rewritten.

Freedom is yet another aspect many people consider critical to having a good life.




Clunky, clunky, clunky. Nobody talks like that, unless they were under extreme duress and struggling to maintain basic coherence. Because the problem is, that's almost incoherent. Any editor would have underlined that whole sentence and marked it to be rewritten. Another thing to note, I would swap the order of frames and place the following frame about love and friends before this one, as it would improve the overall flow of the thoughts and ideas being presented; since this seems like a more proper endcap whereas the next frame is a continued list of positive aspects that might constitute a good life.

Besides that, there exists many differing opinions about what constitutes a life well lived.




Not wrong, but a bit clunky, and could use some editing. Love and happiness are emotions, but friends are people. Just to keep with the theme, it should be 'friendship' or some other synonym to denote the positive emotional bonds that having friends confers. Conversely it could be written the other way, swapping out 'love' and 'happiness' for other relationship groups like 'lovers' and 'family'. Also, we once again can do better than 'things'.

Positive relationships such as friends, lovers, and family.

Or the alternative.

Positive emotions like love, happiness, and comradery.




Hey, at least they remembered the ellipsis this time.

However...




The 'ever' is a style choice, but in usage often denotes being silly or juvenile. Adults being serious don't put added emphasis past 'never' in this way, while children (or those being child-like) will stack one or more 'ever' past the never for stylistic or comedic effect. So unless the author wants to paint the MC as being jovial or juvenile, probably best to drop the 'ever' entirely. The end of the sentence is, as we are seeing a pattern here, clunky. You would reword that more naturally as 'not even once'. The use of 'things' also need to be changed, since we have been talking about a specific theme this entire time.

I've never thought about all those aspirations, not even once...

Or rewritten even more.

I've never given much thought to those higher aspirations before...




So, yeah, I wasn't kidding. Almost every frame of dialogue in the introduction, before you name the protagonist even, has one or more grammatical mistakes that cause the narrative to stumble and trip over itself before it has a chance to build up any sort of momentum. If this is the level of dialogue going forward, then I am personally just never going to be able to enjoy it. If the game is going to constantly draw attention to the poor witting, it is going to distract me from anything else.

It might not be as noticeable for non-native speakers. It might not bother other native speakers as much. That's all fine. Enjoy your game. But if this intro is par for the course, I'd rather save myself the trouble and not subject myself to something that I know is going to drive me nuts. If others spoke up and told me that it gets better or improves further into the experience, then I might stick it out to see what's there; but that doesn't appear to be the case. So I'm cutting my loses early, and I'll just check out something else. No ill will towards the developer or the fans, but my tastes just require fundamentally better grammar.

 

[EvolutionKills]

I personally feel like the base of the hierarchy of needs would be story, then characters, then grammar.

I think clear communication is key to conveying higher ideas, such as narrative. If you're fighting to communicate or getting your ideas across poorly, your story and characters are always going to suffer. Having a brilliant story does you no good if you cannot communicate it properly.

I mean, take one of the great classics, Homer's Iliad. Can you read it in the original Greek? What if someone dropped you off copy of War & Peace in the original Russian? How good is the prose if you cannot understand it?

 

[Raboobie]

You're fine to like and enjoy the game, but I can and will criticize games when they make mistakes. Grammatical ones are the easiest and most obvious, since unlike more subjective evaluations (characterization, plot, narrative, etc.) grammar actually does have some rules.

But I am not kidding about the intro, and I can show you if you'd like. Here is all of the dialogue from the start of the game, up until the player is asked to name the protagonist; and the various mistakes that a layperson can easily pick up on.



View attachment 3328110

The 'it' is entirely unnecessary and clunky, and needs to be removed. The 'your' needs to be replaced with 'their' so that it flows and is consistent with the 'everyone' used earlier in the sentence. Also, this is the protagonist's thoughts, it is NOT a narrator talking to the audience, another reason why 'your' is inappropriate.

There is a quote, which I'm sure everyone must have heard at least once in their life.


View attachment 3328114

Not wrong on it's own, but kind of unnecessary given that the last bit of dialogue was already setting up the quote. It's just extra verbiage. Not technically wrong, but if this was all a script in a singular document, an editor would absolutely highlight this as something to be removed to tighten up the writing.


View attachment 3328115

This is the quote, use quotation marks. That how you cut out the prior sentence worth of sign posting to indicate that this part is the quote. Just use quotation marks. That's literally why they exist.

"You've only got one life to live, so you better live it right."


View attachment 3328117

This isn't a complete sentence or thought, so ending it with a comma or a period incorrect. I'm all for writing dialogue in the vernacular, playing loose with grammatical rules to sell the audience on how a person or people actually talk as a means of characterization; but this is not that. If anything, this needs to end in an ellipsis to indicate a trailing thought. Although in light of the entire intro, this could do for an entire rewrite to better tighten up the theme if the intro.

To talk about a good life...

Or rewritten to better emphasize the theme.

What does it take to live a good life?


View attachment 3328122

Nothing really wrong here, but it probably could have been combined with the prior line and changed a bit to make a complete sentence. Still, included for the sake of completion and to show that I haven't just been cherry-picking the worst lines to use as examples.

We all have our own definition of it.

But if I were to edit it for better conversational flow.

We all have our own definitions for it.


View attachment 3328126

Now this might be a regional thing, but at least here in the US in conversational English, nobody would use 'seek' in this context, they would use 'search'. Not only that, but the whole sentence is clunky. The first part before the comma sets up the wealth angle, so restating it at the end by saying 'if they had a lot of money' is entirely unnecessary, since by definition being wealthy is having a lot of money. The last third of the sentence is clunky extra verbiage that should be cut entirely, and the remainder after the comma changed accordingly.

Some people search for wealth, because they think it would make their lives happier.


View attachment 3328130

This was the point where I kinda knew that I was fucked. That I was probably never going to be able to gel with the author's attempt at prose, because the fundamentals are so distractingly bad. Going with 'having a good health' instead of the much simpler and more flowing 'being healthy' was the indicator that this person does not understand conversational English. But even then, it needs a little rewriting because you don't want to end two sentences in a row with the same word.

Some wish for good health, believing there is nothing better than being healthy.


View attachment 3328133

Just an all around clunky sentence, that again, distracts from the attempt at prose. 'Thing' is too generic, and a more specific word should be used. Have we just been talking about random 'things' this whole time, or about specific 'things' that we could use a more specific word for? Should just be entirely rewritten.

Freedom is yet another aspect many people consider critical to having a good life.


View attachment 3328136

Clunky, clunky, clunky. Nobody talks like that, unless they were under extreme duress and struggling to maintain basic coherence. Because the problem is, that's almost incoherent. Any editor would have underlined that whole sentence and marked it to be rewritten. Another thing to note, I would swap the order of frames and place the following frame about love and friends before this one, as it would improve the overall flow of the thoughts and ideas being presented; since this seems like a more proper endcap whereas the next frame is a continued list of positive aspects that might constitute a good life.

Besides that, there exists many differing opinions about what constitutes a life well lived.


View attachment 3328137

Not wrong, but a bit clunky, and could use some editing. Love and happiness are emotions, but friends are people. Just to keep with the theme, it should be 'friendship' or some other synonym to denote the positive emotional bonds that having friends confers. Conversely it could be written the other way, swapping out 'love' and 'happiness' for other relationship groups like 'lovers' and 'family'. Also, we once again can do better than 'things'.

Positive relationships such as friends, lovers, and family.

Or the alternative.

Positive emotions like love, happiness, and comradery.


View attachment 3328139

Hey, at least they remembered the ellipsis this time.

However...


View attachment 3328140

The 'ever' is a style choice, but in usage often denotes being silly or juvenile. Adults being serious don't put added emphasis past 'never' in this way, while children (or those being child-like) will stack one or more 'ever' past the never for stylistic or comedic effect. So unless the author wants to paint the MC as being jovial or juvenile, probably best to drop the 'ever' entirely. The end of the sentence is, as we are seeing a pattern here, clunky. You would reword that more naturally as 'not even once'. The use of 'things' also need to be changed, since we have been talking about a specific theme this entire time.

I've never thought about all those aspirations, not even once...

Or rewritten even more.

I've never given much thought to those higher aspirations before...




So, yeah, I wasn't kidding. Almost every frame of dialogue in the introduction, before you name the protagonist even, has one or more grammatical mistakes that cause the narrative to stumble and trip over itself before it has a chance to build up any sort of momentum. If this is the level of dialogue going forward, then I am personally just never going to be able to enjoy it. If the game is going to constantly draw attention to the poor witting, it is going to distract me from anything else.

It might not be as noticeable for non-native speakers. It might not bother other native speakers as much. That's all fine. Enjoy your game. But if this intro is par for the course, I'd rather save myself the trouble and not subject myself to something that I know is going to drive me nuts. If others spoke up and told me that it gets better or improves further into the experience, then I might stick it out to see what's there; but that doesn't appear to be the case. So I'm cutting my loses early, and I'll just check out something else. No ill will towards the developer or the fans, but my tastes just require fundamentally better grammar.

Very kind of you volunteer and offer your time and effort to proof the script for him.

 

[Deleted member 6866577]

You're fine to like and enjoy the game, but I can and will criticize games when they make mistakes. Grammatical ones are the easiest and most obvious, since unlike more subjective evaluations (characterization, plot, narrative, etc.) grammar actually does have some rules.

But I am not kidding about the intro, and I can show you if you'd like. Here is all of the dialogue from the start of the game, up until the player is asked to name the protagonist; and the various mistakes that a layperson can easily pick up on.



View attachment 3328110

The 'it' is entirely unnecessary and clunky, and needs to be removed. The 'your' needs to be replaced with 'their' so that it flows and is consistent with the 'everyone' used earlier in the sentence. Also, this is the protagonist's thoughts, it is NOT a narrator talking to the audience, another reason why 'your' is inappropriate.

There is a quote, which I'm sure everyone must have heard at least once in their life.


View attachment 3328114

Not wrong on it's own, but kind of unnecessary given that the last bit of dialogue was already setting up the quote. It's just extra verbiage. Not technically wrong, but if this was all a script in a singular document, an editor would absolutely highlight this as something to be removed to tighten up the writing.


View attachment 3328115

This is the quote, use quotation marks. That how you cut out the prior sentence worth of sign posting to indicate that this part is the quote. Just use quotation marks. That's literally why they exist.

"You've only got one life to live, so you better live it right."


View attachment 3328117

This isn't a complete sentence or thought, so ending it with a comma or a period incorrect. I'm all for writing dialogue in the vernacular, playing loose with grammatical rules to sell the audience on how a person or people actually talk as a means of characterization; but this is not that. If anything, this needs to end in an ellipsis to indicate a trailing thought. Although in light of the entire intro, this could do for an entire rewrite to better tighten up the theme if the intro.

To talk about a good life...

Or rewritten to better emphasize the theme.

What does it take to live a good life?


View attachment 3328122

Nothing really wrong here, but it probably could have been combined with the prior line and changed a bit to make a complete sentence. Still, included for the sake of completion and to show that I haven't just been cherry-picking the worst lines to use as examples.

We all have our own definition of it.

But if I were to edit it for better conversational flow.

We all have our own definitions for it.


View attachment 3328126

Now this might be a regional thing, but at least here in the US in conversational English, nobody would use 'seek' in this context, they would use 'search'. Not only that, but the whole sentence is clunky. The first part before the comma sets up the wealth angle, so restating it at the end by saying 'if they had a lot of money' is entirely unnecessary, since by definition being wealthy is having a lot of money. The last third of the sentence is clunky extra verbiage that should be cut entirely, and the remainder after the comma changed accordingly.

Some people search for wealth, because they think it would make their lives happier.


View attachment 3328130

This was the point where I kinda knew that I was fucked. That I was probably never going to be able to gel with the author's attempt at prose, because the fundamentals are so distractingly bad. Going with 'having a good health' instead of the much simpler and more flowing 'being healthy' was the indicator that this person does not understand conversational English. But even then, it needs a little rewriting because you don't want to end two sentences in a row with the same word.

Some wish for good health, believing there is nothing better than being healthy.


View attachment 3328133

Just an all around clunky sentence, that again, distracts from the attempt at prose. 'Thing' is too generic, and a more specific word should be used. Have we just been talking about random 'things' this whole time, or about specific 'things' that we could use a more specific word for? Should just be entirely rewritten.

Freedom is yet another aspect many people consider critical to having a good life.


View attachment 3328136

Clunky, clunky, clunky. Nobody talks like that, unless they were under extreme duress and struggling to maintain basic coherence. Because the problem is, that's almost incoherent. Any editor would have underlined that whole sentence and marked it to be rewritten. Another thing to note, I would swap the order of frames and place the following frame about love and friends before this one, as it would improve the overall flow of the thoughts and ideas being presented; since this seems like a more proper endcap whereas the next frame is a continued list of positive aspects that might constitute a good life.

Besides that, there exists many differing opinions about what constitutes a life well lived.


View attachment 3328137

Not wrong, but a bit clunky, and could use some editing. Love and happiness are emotions, but friends are people. Just to keep with the theme, it should be 'friendship' or some other synonym to denote the positive emotional bonds that having friends confers. Conversely it could be written the other way, swapping out 'love' and 'happiness' for other relationship groups like 'lovers' and 'family'. Also, we once again can do better than 'things'.

Positive relationships such as friends, lovers, and family.

Or the alternative.

Positive emotions like love, happiness, and comradery.


View attachment 3328139

Hey, at least they remembered the ellipsis this time.

However...


View attachment 3328140

The 'ever' is a style choice, but in usage often denotes being silly or juvenile. Adults being serious don't put added emphasis past 'never' in this way, while children (or those being child-like) will stack one or more 'ever' past the never for stylistic or comedic effect. So unless the author wants to paint the MC as being jovial or juvenile, probably best to drop the 'ever' entirely. The end of the sentence is, as we are seeing a pattern here, clunky. You would reword that more naturally as 'not even once'. The use of 'things' also need to be changed, since we have been talking about a specific theme this entire time.

I've never thought about all those aspirations, not even once...

Or rewritten even more.

I've never given much thought to those higher aspirations before...




So, yeah, I wasn't kidding. Almost every frame of dialogue in the introduction, before you name the protagonist even, has one or more grammatical mistakes that cause the narrative to stumble and trip over itself before it has a chance to build up any sort of momentum. If this is the level of dialogue going forward, then I am personally just never going to be able to enjoy it. If the game is going to constantly draw attention to the poor witting, it is going to distract me from anything else.

It might not be as noticeable for non-native speakers. It might not bother other native speakers as much. That's all fine. Enjoy your game. But if this intro is par for the course, I'd rather save myself the trouble and not subject myself to something that I know is going to drive me nuts. If others spoke up and told me that it gets better or improves further into the experience, then I might stick it out to see what's there; but that doesn't appear to be the case. So I'm cutting my loses early, and I'll just check out something else. No ill will towards the developer or the fans, but my tastes just require fundamentally better grammar.

Wow I'm speechless.
I thought dev do this mistakes on purpose because of MC personality.
He's antisocial, a bit introverted, never talk unnecessary thing.
Now, I'm starting to believe you.
And you also realize me how big dumbass I am.
That mean's he didn't do any grammatical mistakes on purpose?!

 

[EvolutionKills]

Very kind of you volunteer and offer your time and effort to proof the script for him.

Not really. I just don't make accusations without having the receipts to back it up, that's all. But they absolutely should get a native English speaker to proofread and edit the script, so long as English continues to be the intended audience; as there is demonstrable room for a lot of improvement. Anything worth doing is worth doing well, and I would certainly include writing in that.

 

[EvolutionKills]

Wow I'm speechless.
I thought dev do this mistakes on purpose because of MC personality.
He's antisocial, a bit introverted, never talk unnecessary thing.
Now, I'm starting to believe you.
And you also realize me how big dumbass I am.
That mean's he didn't do any grammatical mistakes on purpose?!

I have no idea. I cannot speak to the thought process of the author. What I can say however is that I don't have a problem with authors writing dialogue in the vernacular, and that includes making mistakes on purpose. But at the end of the day, you need to make sure that everything else is up to snuff so that those artistic flourishes and purposeful mistakes read as intentional. As it currently is, if any of these mistakes were intentional (such as the somewhat scatterbrained order of the last few slides), it gets lost in the sea of other mistakes and ends up looking like just another mistake.

For example, in Stormside there is a girl from Russia who speaks English as a second language. Her dialogue, and her dialogue only, is written to be a bit stilted and obtuse. It is very obviously being done intentionally to convey to the audience her lack of familiarity with the language, and it works because the author can easily contrast it with all of the other native speakers who are written to speak fluently. Plus, even her dialogue is presented with correct grammar (e.g. not using a comma in place of an ellipsis) so that you don't trip over that; and can instead focus on her word choice and what it says about her.

 

[shitass1001]

I think clear communication is key to conveying higher ideas, such as narrative. If you're fighting to communicate or getting your ideas across poorly, your story and characters are always going to suffer. Having a brilliant story does you no good if you cannot communicate it properly.

I mean, take one of the great classics, Homer's Iliad. Can you read it in the original Greek? What if someone dropped you off copy of War & Peace in the original Russian? How good is the prose if you cannot understand it?

That is an interesting way of looking at it. I have never really thought about this before now, as I usually just overlook grammatical errors when reading, but when you say it like that it makes more sense.