Ehhh. I don't know about that. Please don't sell yourself short.Thanks for showing me an example. I most likely won't be able to write at this level, but I'll try to do what I can.
While I don't want to make this game thread all about Fenoxo's legacy -- and while I do have a rather fond history with their games going back years and years -- I would nevertheless disagree with that excerpt provided being an example to emulate in your prose.
Allow me to elucidate and please forgive me as I'm about to be rather pedantic. In the sample from CoC2, the lauded description is, "Full, black lips curl into a smile, drawing your attention to her slitted, faintly-glowing yellow eyes bathed in a black sea of charcoal shadow."
For me, this sentence is rather flawed in several respects: it's 1) ostentatious while also being repetitive; 2) inconsistent in style; 3) doesn't make logical sense.
1) bathed in a black sea of charcoal shadow. The effort is admirable, but the author effectively used 'black' to describe 'black' three times. Black is black. Charcoal is black. Shadow can be inferred to be black.
I think what the author is trying to describe here is that the character's sclera is so dark it isn't even reflective. In my opinion, a better interpretation would have been something like, "yellow eyes bathed in a dark sea devoid of light," or something to that effect. There are lots of ways to imply color without becoming overwrought. Furthermore, personally I'd avoid using 'black' in this depiction again as I'd already used it to describe her lips.
2) full, black lips...faintly-glowing yellow eyes. This CoC2 selection is arguably purple prose, but every author has the right to be flowery in their descriptions should they choose to (see: Rothfuss, GRRM, etc.). Be that as it may, they're inconsistent. Instead of "black lips" and "yellow eyes," they could have used "Full, ebony lips" and "faintly-glowing, amber eyes" or even "lambent, amber eyes" to stay true to their desired style.
3) The logic of the description is flawed in my opinion in several areas. As the reader, I have to assume that the "black sea" is the sclera of the character, but that's confusing as they've also just described "slitted, yellow eyes." Are the eyes yellow, or black? Is it that the slits -- their pupils -- are yellow? It isn't clear and I'd propose that it pulls the reader out of the moment. Additionally, "black lips" would draw my attention away from the upper half of a character's face, not towards it. Perhaps it's just me, but lips make me think of teeth, or a flickering tongue, or the shape of a jawline or neck, or perhaps cheekbones, which then in turn could lead to eyes. Eyes could even distract from the lower half of the face.
If I were tasked with rewriting this single sentence in what I assume to be the author's intended style, I would do something like:
Full lips the color of ebony curl into a sly smile, but your attention is drawn away from their alluring promise by her eyes. Lambent, amber slits wrapped in dark, inky orbs that seem to drink the light, they capture you with their mystery and cold regard.
It's a bit much, but I think it follows what that author seems to be going for, and that's okay if they are! It's their style.
Just like it's okay to explore your own style, if you can forgive any possible perception of patronizing tone on my part.
TLDR; despite being beloved by many, CoC is not perfect and not necessarily something for you to hold on a pedestal. Write what you like. Find your own voice. Pick your own prose. You'll make mistakes but so long as you keep writing, I'm sure you'll get where you want to be.
Last edited: