That was one of the longest updates I've ever made, and it has a lot of lore/plot content.
True, but there is also a
lot of conversation and internal monologue. Anecdotally, I lost interest in chapter 22 more than once. NGL, when the screen for chapter 23 came up and I saw "The Heist" I said "Finally!", out loud.
All that narration of the protag's thoughts about children seems like it could have been worked into conversation. Actually, now that I think of it, none of the narration seems necessary.
The rest of the day is spent packing up and preparing for your new adventure.
It's boring work, but exactly what you need right now.
The fact that you're going to become a father has barely sunk in, and now you've just found out your people might have been responsible for the apocalypse.
Simple, thoughtless work is perfect for just letting your brain figure everything out.
The night isn't particularly exciting, and though you sleep quite well, you wake up without any new insights.
You have the last watch so you're up in the early morning when Lune and Zaya depart.
"Safe Travels, see you soon."
"Thank you, and same to you."
"Don't miss us too much, we'll be back before you know it."
After they leave you spend time getting breakfast ready for the ladies before they wake up.
They'd done the same for you yesterday, so it's only fair to return the favor this morning."
Once they're up, everyone grabs their food and shoulders their packs, ready to head out.
Just for an exercise in contrast imagine telling that story with no words, at all:
Image: Protag packing.
Image: Sunset
Image: Protag in thought by the fire, looking at wife.
Image: Zoom in on wife's belly.
Image: Sunrise
Image: Everyone's wearing packs, waving goodbye to Zaya and Lune.
Academically, there's a lot of telling-not-showing going on in chapter 22. And if you think it's necessary to tell the player what they're thinking and feeling I think you'd do well to take a step back and ask yourself what's missing in the visuals or the dialogue or the plot to ensure that the player is where you want them to be on the emotional journey.
The dialogue is just small-talk: it doesn't significantly advance the story or reveal anything about the characters. Snip snip!
As for chapter 23, I was deflated. The outpost didn't seem like a plausible threat to Superman. The guards' eager acceptance of the extremely obvious diversion just made them seem incompetent, further undermining the danger. No tension, no danger, one choice that has no consequence. Meh.
And I know porn isn't the focus of this game, but the one scene in these two chapters was super tame. HBO has more graphic sex scenes. And the point was to show the MC getting "rough"? But, it's like, one perspective on slow, vanilla missionary? And her facial expression never changes from a fixed smile? The visuals weren't erotic and weren't consistent with the story, either.
I don't meant to tear down anything, so sorry if anything I wrote is harsh. But I hope you might get some hint of why chapters 22 and 23 felt like filler, to me. And if so, maybe you'll be able to consider future chapters from another perspective as you're writing and illustrating them. Get friendly with the delete key!
Anyway, I'm still excited to see how the plot develops!
