Let me know what you think of it, and thanks for giving it a shot.
1. First, to get it out of the way, a few words about novels, formats and visual aids.
It's a novel. It's OK. In its present form it's alright.
It could have some additional materials like illustrations of what the girls could look like. (Perhaps at different age: let's say, 18 years old Jules and her pics from back when she was 13, 15 etc.). We readers could even give some input, sending you some cute girls pics.
If it would be a complete game with lots of bells and whistles, I could imagine even a question at the start, like, "Which girl do you think she is", and having the user to choose between sets of pictures to show a particular girl as Jules (and the same for Sarah of course). It's not necessarily a fully illustrated game but maybe just an in-game yearbook.
By the way, the game could be easily converted to Ren'Py. Then of course it would become larger (megabytes instead of kilobytes), but the save/load function would be better. And adding visual stuff would be easy. (I don't know about that HTML engine you use. I've seen it but didn't explore much.)
If you need any advice on Ren'Py, feel free to ask here or on its forums. There are people versed in that area.
Here's an example what a Ren'Py script of this game might look like:
Get Ren'Py SDK, create a new game and put this code as script.rpy, and you will see how it works.
Even better with some pictures (unpack the attachment in a fresh Ren'Py "game" folder, and you will get this):
I don't want to distract you from writing, but if you ever thought about converting the game to Ren'Py, that's some food for reflection
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2. Now about the text. I like this update!
2.1. I might
- shorten the latest description of risotto cooking by a phrase or two,
- and add a phrase or two to Sarah's sex episode - describing my feelings like tenderness and joy, and their expressions on her face,
but in general it's OK and well done.
2.2. Like some guys commented previously, I disliked the cold and manipulative talk with the woman, so I'm glad that now it's better.
However the previous version was very clear that Ziemo was afraid of loosing his position of unique closeness to Jules, and it's the part which was done right.
What was wrong from my point of view, I would be more open and kind to the woman. I would say something along the lines, "Me and Jules are a team. I don't want to lose that. So don't interfere with the management etc., we got this alright. However, if you want to spend more time with her, you are welcome. Training sessions, competitions, family activities etc."
That would mean more kindness and less stress in Jules' life. If he loves her, he would do that for her. At the same time, some insincerity or shallowness might indeed be there in the woman's behavior. So she would hardly change her habits a lot (maybe coming to the pool for Jules a couple of times etc.). I think it wouldn't harm the general story, maybe even add some spice of desiring the girl but fearing the interference from the new observer (the woman).
So I like the new version of the dialogue, but
I would tone down the hatred part, and add that kindness consideration etc. After that, moving to the last part: "Oh, and you can actually help - with money, school negotiations etc etc or whatever..."
Also it seems insincere when Ziemo talks about Jules' motivation:
That's wrong too! If our mother comes in now and suddenly starts... loving us, who's to tell how long it'll last? And what about her swimming, she might lose her most important motivation for competing, or she might get confused about these changes...
I see my mother look down at her bracelet and fiddle with it.
I think he already talked with Jules about that, so he knows that was not her motivation. And anyways her happiness is what's important, not Olympic medals. So I would remove or rewrite this part:
That's wrong too! If our mother comes in now and suddenly starts... loving us, who's to tell how long it'll last? And what about her swimming, she might lose her most important motivation for competing, or she might get confused about these changes...
I see my mother look down at her bracelet and fiddle with it. She could be serious, but even so... I... I frown, uncertain. What to do? If she goes and tries to make up now, distracts her, and causes her to lose motivation, and then goes back to her old self, what then? Won't Julia be even sadder then—
But I need her support! We need her money. So how do I keep her happy, while keeping her away from Jules?
OK, thank you very much for the game!
Waiting for the next update...
