HTML Abandoned Sistersitting / Housesitting [Day 11 Scene 01] [i107760]

[i107760]

In general, not too interested in converting to another engine/adding visuals. Current code actually already allows for adding visuals if I desired, I just don't feel the need. Commissioning several sets of avatars that are good quality would also be quite expensive, I don't plan to include art that I don't have rights to.

shorten the latest description of risotto cooking by a phrase or two

I can try shortening it a little, I had it shorter at first, but the pace was wrong due that that and Sarah came too quick. But, I can take another look at it anyway to see if it can be a little shorter.

and add a phrase or two to Sarah's sex episode - describing my feelings like tenderness and joy, and their expressions on her face,

I tried to do this a little before the update, but when I'm back home I might give it another shot to improve it a little more. Thanks for the feedback on the scene with Sarah. So far in the poll reception has been decently positive, so I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

However the previous version was very clear that Ziemo was afraid of loosing his position of unique closeness to Jules, and it's the part which was done right.

I still want to convey this, but a bit more subtly, because it made him seem too self-serving and manipulative/sociopathic. I probably didn't do good enough a job of it yet. Still, I'm happier with the scene as it is now than it was before, so I'm happy I rewrote it.

What was wrong from my point of view, I would be more open and kind to the woman.

For plot's sake, I don't want her too involved, it really complicates the writing. There's a reason most games like this do away with them entirely or just have them be dead/mysteriously absent But I do agree with your reasoning that it could be possible, and that her presence could be limited due to her personality, only making somewhat of an effort.

From a character motivation point of view, his relationship with the landlady really isn't good, and while he is empathic to her situation, he isn't going to just go and forgive her right away and he is quite wary of it being just a spur of the moment thing done because she is feeling bad about her marriage falling apart. (Plus, he has his "hidden" motivations of wanting to monopolize the girl for his own reasons.)

Even ignoring all of that, he his his own reasons for not wanting her to have too much control. More about this will come in not the next update, but the update after, where another conversation with the landlady takes place.

Also it seems insincere when Ziemo talks about Jules' motivation

He is supposed to be sincere, more on that below.

I think he already talked with Jules about that, so he knows that was not her motivation. And anyways her happiness is what's important, not Olympic medals.

Yes, her happiness is most important, but he really doesn't trust the landlady at all. In his mind, she's finally accepting the fact that she can't expect too much of the woman, and if she now comes in and suddenly acts different, it might 1. be confusing (and distract her from her training), and 2. if it's only a temporary change, she will be way more sad because she got abandoned once again. This is what he's supposed to be really afraid of because his own feelings towards her and his knowledge of her, maybe I didn't convey that well enough.

The combination of those two factors make her getting too involved basically a lose-lose situation, in the way that she might miss her chance to make it to the Olympics, and she might be even worse off emotionally if things don't work out with the landlady and her after all. That's why I think him being reluctant, and wanting to observe how things go, makes sense.

Another thing to consider is that, in my mind, he talked to her, but he he is not fully convinced in the depth of his heart that she's telling the entire truth, and he thinks she might just be putting on a 'tough front' to not show how sad she is about everything, and also to reassure him.

They actually talk about this topic again on the end of day eight, the last scene of the current version.
Not sure if you got to there yet, but basically, only at that point are his doubts fully resolved and does he truly believe her. And that scene is also supposed to show that the girl herself also wasn't fully truthful/convinced of it

So the main problem in regards to this seems to be the first time they talk about it, she's too convincing ^^ It should be a little more clear that she's obviously still quite young and struggling with her feelings towards the landlords, and that it's not something resolved so easily and an ongoing process.

Waiting for the next update...

Next update will come out next month. Thanks a lot for your feedback, I'll definitely think about it a bit longer, but above my thoughts and reasoning for writing things the way they are now. Thanks for playing my game/reading my story and for taking the time to go into such detail when giving your opinion on things.

 

[m0us3r]

Of course I agree with you, every point makes sense. It's just you asked about players' opinions or impressions, so I'm talking about adding a touch here and there.

In general, not too interested in converting to another engine/adding visuals. Current code actually already allows for adding visuals if I desired, I just don't feel the need. Commissioning several sets of avatars that are good quality would also be quite expensive, I don't plan to include art that I don't have rights to.

It's OK. It's just I got some errors, e.g. trying to navigate up from some scenes (it was day 08 I think), and locating saves was not convenient. That's why I thought about converting to Ren'Py. It's super easy to work with saves there, less errors, easy to add visuals if one day you would like to do that. Right now, no need to, of course.

Commissioning several sets of avatars that are good quality would also be quite expensive, I don't plan to include art that I don't have rights to.

Right, though adding at least some visuals like places is totally possible for free. (Just taking some free pics and maybe scaling them, then dimming parts of them with black gradient, like I've shown in my example.) It's some work, but not too much, a couple of days maybe. And that might make reading a bit more colorful.

It's not like something important, just a thought, an opportunity to consider.

Maybe someone would even volunteer to do that for free.

I can try shortening it a little, I had it shorter at first, but the pace was wrong due that that and Sarah came too quick. But, I can take another look at it anyway to see if it can be a little shorter.

My thought is that we already had risotto cooking described before, so now if you want some space there, add there something else. Like some Ziemo's thoughts or plans. If I recall correctly, in some other place in the game his thoughts were in a large chunk, which make them a tad bit less readable. (Nothing serious, don't worry.)

Just I think that here he could have a thought about what to do tomorrow etc... Also, he could think something about Sarah. I mean he never thinks of her... right? No need to overdo that, but a thought or two might be natural as he's expecting his girlfriend to come.

That would correct the pace and add another bit of flavor to the story.

Thanks for the feedback on the scene with Sarah. So far in the poll reception has been decently positive, so I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

Yep, I voted for that too. The scene is great!

I'm not saying that it should be changed or improved or anything. Just if you are looking for ways to perfect it even more, I think adding a phrase or two (for instance, how pretty Sarah was with her mouth half-open, her cheeks blushing; shining with some light of innocence and passion; how overwhelmed Ziemo was with tenderness to that cute little spark of fire, that loving marvelous vivacious girl) might add a bit more immersion. Otherwise it's a bit on the side of mechanical sex description. (I'm not criticizing here, just trying to convey my thought... even if it seems otherwise.)

> However the previous version was very clear that Ziemo was afraid of loosing his position of unique closeness to Jules, and it's the part which was done right.

I still want to convey this, but a bit more subtly, because it made him seem too self-serving and manipulative/sociopathic.

No wait, here must be some misunderstanding. When Ziemo was thinking that he didn't want to lose their unique closeness, that was not "self-serving and manipulative/sociopathic". That was just honest.

Really. It was just honest that he wanted to be with her like that.

What actually was "self-serving and manipulative/sociopathic", that was his decision to harshly push the woman away without regard to her presumably good intentions and possibly good influence on Jules and the family situation.

Let me repeat it in other words: thinking "I love to be with Jules like that. I don't want anything to ruin that." is just honest. Nothing sociopathic. (IMHO.)

It was telling mom to just bugger off - that was too harsh and not considerate.

So I like how clearly it was conveyed the first time: "I don't want to lose that". And then he could think how to save that relation, and there he could be more or less self-serving (pushing the woman away completely or not).

That's where it needs to be softened for me to like it more.

Of course the new version is better though.

I probably didn't do good enough a job of it yet. Still, I'm happier with the scene as it is now than it was before, so I'm happy I rewrote it.

For plot's sake, I don't want her too involved, it really complicates the writing. There's a reason most games like this do away with them entirely or just have them be dead/mysteriously absent But I do agree with your reasoning that it could be possible, and that her presence could be limited due to her personality, only making somewhat of an effort.

Of course, I understand. OK, if you are not in the mood to add complications or volume there, alright, let some urgent and important business mysteriously make the woman busy again despite all her good intentions.

That would add another bit of flavor to the story, and there would be a natural opportunity for some occasional scene with the woman if you would want one some time later. I bet it could be used for the benefit of the story.

From a character motivation point of view, his relationship with the landlady really isn't good, and while he is empathic to her situation, he isn't going to just go and forgive her right away and he is quite wary of it being just a spur of the moment thing done because she is feeling bad about her marriage falling apart.

Yep, I agree wholeheartedly. That's what you did very well in the new version.

My idea was to keep it like that, maybe just a bit softer in some expressions. E.g., the event with the drawing was long ago. Now it would rather invoke a bit more of habitual despise than acute hatred. So - YMMV... - I would just soften the expression a touch, without actually changing the meanings.

Even ignoring all of that, he his his own reasons for not wanting her to have too much control. More about this will come in not the next update, but the update after, where another conversation with the landlady takes place.

I can imagine that totally...

Don't let her mess anything up is a very genuine concern in this situation.

I recall my own mom and for how long I lived my life trying to please her. Eventually I came to conclusion that we both are the happiest if I just tell her to f**off quite regularly.

So I would use that as a motivation rather than to concoct ideas about the use of her remoteness for Jules' motivation.

Yes, her happiness is most important, but he really doesn't trust the landlady at all. In his mind, she's finally accepting the fact that she can't expect too much of the woman, and if she now comes in and suddenly acts different, it might 1. be confusing (and distract her from her training), and 2. if it's only a temporary change, she will be way more sad because she got abandoned once again. This is what he's supposed to be really afraid of because his own feelings towards her and his knowledge of her, maybe I didn't convey that well enough.

Yep, no argument here.

The combination of those two factors make her getting too involved basically a lose-lose situation, in the way that she might miss her chance to make it to the Olympics, and she might be even worse off emotionally if things don't work out with the landlady and her after all. That's why I think him being reluctant, and wanting to observe how things go, makes sense.

Right.

Another thing to consider is that, in my mind, he talked to her, but he he is not fully convinced in the depth of his heart that she's telling the entire truth, and he thinks she might just be putting on a 'tough front' to not show how sad she is about everything, and also to reassure him.

Now you described it all pretty well.

If you would rewrite that dialogue once again, I'm confident you could do it perfectly.

They actually talk about this topic again on the end of day eight, the last scene of the current version.
Not sure if you got to there yet, but basically, only at that point are his doubts fully resolved and does he truly believe her. And that scene is also supposed to show that the girl herself also wasn't fully truthful/convinced of it

You mean day 8 scene 4, talk with Jules after the essay?

Yes it says that the woman was mostly shallow in her attitude to Jules.

And my thoughts are that it's rarely possible to draw a perfect line saying "This is sincere, that is not". The woman could be a bit genuine in some feelings; at the same time her habits and being self-focused could prevent her from doing much more than words.

Likewise, when you describe Jules' feelings and motives, they are shifting back and forth. Previously she speaks like a more mature personality; she says she swims just for the sake of it etc. Now she almost sounds like she wants to prove something. When she was most sincere?

I'd say in both cases maybe? In different moods our points of view change.

Still, I personally would prefer more mature Jules, with her swimming having not much to do with resentment to her parents.

So the main problem in regards to this seems to be the first time they talk about it, she's too convincing ^^ It should be a little more clear that she's obviously still quite young and struggling with her feelings towards the landlords, and that it's not something resolved so easily and an ongoing process.

Uhuh.

Next update will come out next month, will feature an exciting scene with the main character (or at least, I hope everyone will find it exciting). Thanks a lot for your feedback, I'll definitely think about it a bit longer, but above my thoughts and reasoning for writing things the way they are now. Thanks for playing my game/reading my story and for taking the time to go into such detail when giving your opinion on things.

Aw man, thank you!

I just want games to be wonderful and enjoyable as possible. So I hope my input would rather help, and at least not impede .

Until next time, my friend!

 

[i107760]

and locating saves was not convenient.

The autosaving was broken in the previous (non-bugfix 2) release, right now, it should work. If you do not play the game in a private browser, and do not delete your cookies/session storage, then you should be able to just press "continue" on the main menu and continue at the last scene you played.
Personally, not a big fan of RenPy because it "pollutes" %appdata%, and if I make it a RenPy game, people will for sure expect visuals. I'm also not familiar with RenPy as an engine, though I do have Python knowledge (my prior adult game development has been on QSP and HTML/JS games).

No need to overdo that, but a thought or two might be natural as he's expecting his girlfriend to come.

Good points, that sounds like a good idea.

mechanical sex description. (I'm not criticizing here, just trying to convey my thought... even if it seems otherwise.)

Yes this was my problem with the scene as well, thanks for thinking with me, I'll give it a shot. I appreciate the feedback, don't worry about offending me. Without criticism I cannot improve scenes/my writing, so if you come across something you dislike, feel free to let me know.

Don't let her mess anything up is a very genuine concern in this situation.
...
So I would use that as a motivation rather than to concoct ideas about the use of her remoteness for Jules' motivation.

Yes, good point, but the "most powerful motivator" emphasizing is largely for the sake of convincing/placating the landlady (though he has a slight concern it could be true). Making it clear that his real concern is her messing things up internally, while still employing this logic to convince her, is something I can try to convey better.

Now it would rather invoke a bit more of habitual despise than acute hatred.

Hmm, true. I'll come back to your comment later when I'm looking over that scene and see how I can improve things.

Now she almost sounds like she wants to prove something. When she was most sincere?
...
Still, I personally would prefer more mature Jules, with her swimming having not much to do with resentment to her parents.

This very much is supposed to be the case, after the last conversation where she thinks things through again (using the essay). In my head, it should be something like:

First conversation, she says that she's doing it for herself, and it is mostly true (and she believes it to be true), but she's also still struggling with it emotionally now that it's being explicitly talked about for the first time.
And the protagonist is convinced enough to not argue, but a slight feeling of concern about her putting on a tough front/wanting to reassure him stays in the back of his mind. We're seeing the story from his mind, so I'm trying to make his reservations clear (but it doesn't mean that he's right about how she feels).

Then, during the first conversation with the landlady, that nagging feeling comes back to him when talking with her, and he also needs to give her a convincing reason to keep her distance, so basically his honest feelings serve as a justification at the same time, causing him to latch onto that concern and use it as a way to keep distance between them.

And finally, in the latest scene with the essay, it shows that Julia has been thinking about it some more because it is a painful topic (and in a way, him doubting her motivation also makes her doubt herself, and evaluate things once more), but she is now convinced that she's (no longer) doing it to prove something, but because she herself wants to do it.
I tried to make it a touching scene, where it shows that she believes she would have ended up like the girl in the essay were it not for the protagonist. And that she is also trying to make the protagonist feel better, convince him she's doing it for herself, and also thank him at the same time.
Of course, I can't be sure if I managed to write/convey that well enough, still, when I reread the scene personally, I thought it was a really touching moment.

So in general I'd say, she's pretty mature in the way she goes about things, and when she told him that she's doing it for herself, she is being sincere (and was too, in the first conversation). As of the latest scene, it's intended for the protagonist to be convinced of that, and the girl herself to believe it too, so that topic is now done with.

I'll take another look at these scenes before releasing the next update to see if I can convey that more clearly. Putting this sort of nuanced relationship dynamic into writing can be quite hard, I struggle with it. Having a detailed discussion like this helps though, it lets me refine and re-evaluate my thoughts about the scenes, so hopefully I can improve them.

Thanks again for the detailed feedback, I appreciate it.

 

[ea3794]

I don't think this is true.

You are correct, it isn't true.

Just a warning for the developer - due to the game image:

If a character seems child-like, she is a child in the eyes of the law (in both the US and EU countries). A flat chested girl is, according to criminal practice, always pre-puberscent, and it does not matter which age you try to explain her to be.
It also does not matter if a game is with artwork or text based. However, removing the cover image and you may get away with the freeform input choice. But not a flat-chested girl.

The law is very clear about the definition of a minor, every country defines a minor as someone's age being below an arbitrary number of years, counting from birth. The narrative that prosecutors and social media run with is identical with what you are saying, however the law is very black and white on this subject. Two examples that counter your opinion:

This 18-year old man who looks like a three year old:

You must be registered to see the links

Despite being unable to reach the gas pedal, he is legally allowed to vote, marry, smoke, drink and do whatever he wants.

This court case where someone was tried for possession where Lupe Fuentes (porn star) herself showed up and confirmed she's an adult

You must be registered to see the links

As you might expect, the defendant was released immediately as all charges were false. I sincerely hope the ICE agents, pediatrician and prosecutors in that particular trial found themselves a different job. I for one don't trust people for giving false testimonies.

Also, to be absolutely clear. The entire story is fiction and so is the image you are referring to.

 

[i107760]

The above conversation is not something I really want to get into, I'll just say a few short things:

1. My game, by default, features nobody under the age of 18, and every character has "modest" breasts at least.
2. While it is true that in some EU countries, drawn depictions of characters who could be seen to be underage may be considered illegal depending on various things such as how realistic the art is (where distinctions between 2D pictures and 3D renders is also important). However, the image used in the OP here is NOT explicit, so those laws do not apply either way.
3. My game is text-only. Any discussion about drawn depictions is not relevant at all to my game. And the law, while it would not apply to my game in the first place due to not featuring minors, in most EU countries (including where I live), is clear that written erotica is legal (especially when it has other artistic merit, which I'd argue my story has).

And that is pretty much the only statement on this I'll give, I'd appreciate it more if people were to talk about the game itself than matters unrelated to it.

 

[m0us3r]

The autosaving was broken in the previous (non-bugfix 2) release, right now, it should work. If you do not play the game in a private browser, and do not delete your cookies/session storage, then you should be able to just press "continue" on the main menu and continue at the last scene you played.
Personally, not a big fan of RenPy because it "pollutes" %appdata%, and if I make it a RenPy game, people will for sure expect visuals. I'm also not familiar with RenPy as an engine, though I do have Python knowledge (my prior adult game development has been on QSP and HTML/JS games).

On the other hand, I prefer to run unknown scripts in private windows (and/or not "pollute" cookies)...

If you would ever consider Ren'Py, note that:

1. RenPy would not "pollute" %appdata%, if you just set

config.save_directory = None

See

You must be registered to see the links

2. It's a really easy to use engine. I'd argue it's easier than SugarCube that you currently use. No need to put paragraphs in boxes and set them titles. Just write the text practically as it is (plus those {i} tags) in a single rpy file. You can see the example I posted above - it's a full fledged game in 100 lines of code, including all the initialization and comments.

3. "if I make it a RenPy game, people will for sure expect visuals" - nah, there are all kinds of games on Ren'Py. Just write warnings everywhere: "TEXT-BASED !!!", and it's gonna be peachy.

Besides, you can add those backgrounds I've mentioned (or ask volunteers to help with that, e.g. here on F95). There are tons of "free for anything" pictures on sites like

You must be registered to see the links

You must be registered to see the links

You must be registered to see the links

You must be registered to see the links

And eventually, who knows, you might find desire and opportunity to add some visual models too, and it would require not more than adding a string like "show jules v3 bikini".

"most powerful motivator" emphasizing is largely for the sake of convincing/placating the landlady (though he has a slight concern it could be true). Making it clear that his real concern is her messing things up internally, while still employing this logic to convince her, is something I can try to convey better.

I understand your idea, and it's an understandable action for the protagonist, a young guy with not much life experience and understanding.

Still, I would like him more and identify with him more if he would be honest there. He could tell honestly, instead of "You would screw up her motivation", something like, "You would screw up our process".

People can eat such shit surprisingly well. I mean, it's not pleasant and someone might want to deny that, but in her heart the woman knows herself; she knows she can get bored soon and drop that sudden care about the girl (especially as she isn't used to care about her). So, he could just tell her: "We are doing well now, and I'm not letting you risk to ruin our process" (or something like that). Or: "You can help with that (...money etc...), but don't interfere with our process... And then we'll see."

That way I believe he could make his point, while also being rather honest with her.

... Then, during the first conversation with the landlady, that nagging feeling comes back to him when talking with her, and he also needs to give her a convincing reason to keep her distance, so basically his honest feelings serve as a justification at the same time, causing him to latch onto that concern and use it as a way to keep distance between them.

That makes sense, yes.

Still it would be more honest to explain that as a concern, like, "Her determination might be related to her desire to show you how much you lose neglecting her" - so he would say that as a doubt rather than, "She needs to hate you >_<"...

And finally, in the latest scene with the essay, it shows that Julia has been thinking about it some more because it is a painful topic (and in a way, him doubting her motivation also makes her doubt herself, and evaluate things once more),

BTW, when I read that scene, the change in her explanation felt a bit too sudden. To outline it better, I'd suggest to maybe change it like this. From this:

I won't even mention them in passing." I frown; she notices and smiles bitterly, "I know, I'm kinda proving myself wrong"—she takes a deep breath—"and I admit, I am sad that they don't love me, and that I am angry about it.
"And that I am motivated by my hatred of them

to this:

I won't even mention them in passing." <ADD A PARAGRAPH BREAK>

I frown; she notices and smiles bitterly, "I know, I'm kinda proving myself wrong"—she takes a deep breath—"and I admit, I am sad that they don't love me, and that I am angry about it.
"And that I am indeed motivated by my hatred of them <ADD "indeed" OR SOMETHING ELSE TO EMPHASIZE THE CHANGE>

but she is now convinced that she's (no longer) doing it to prove something, but because she herself wants to do it.

Well English is my third language, so I'm not sure I get it as well as a native speaker, but here I feel a bit confused.

She says "I am motivated" ("by my hatred"), in the present tense.

Doesn't it contradict that "she's (no longer) doing it to prove something"?

I tried to make it a touching scene, where it shows that she believes she would have ended up like the girl in the essay were it not for the protagonist. And that she is also trying to make the protagonist feel better, convince him she's doing it for herself, and also thank him at the same time.
Of course, I can't be sure if I managed to write/convey that well enough, still, when I reread the scene personally, I thought it was a really touching moment.

Indeed, it was a touching moment.

All I'm saying is that maybe instead of "I am" I would say "Maybe I am, or I was"...

Also, he replies, "I look at her and smile awkwardly and say, "Sorry, I shouldn't have doubted you. I guess I just needed some more convincing.""

That response would sound more natural as a reply to her doubting her former motivation, rather to just stating it as something still solid. You know, if she says still "I am", it's rather a cause to worry rather than to say "Ah OK".

Finally, there is this:

I would feel it as more natural if that talk would go first about that hatred (still there?), and then about having the brother and doing well.

I mean, that's the usual energy flow. First she would express those things that bothered her, and then she would finish with the resolution (loving brother etc.).

I don't know would it be better to swap the parts of that talk, or would that ruin some inner logic; but at least I would finish the scene with something like:

..."Feeling a bit better yet?"

"Don't worry, $boyNick, it's nothing. Some mothers love their kids more, some less. We can live with that." Then she looked me in the eyes and said, "I know I have you."

 

[i107760]

That way I believe he could make his point, while also being rather honest with her.

Still it would be more honest to explain that as a concern, like, "Her determination might be related to her desire to show you how much you lose neglecting her" - so he would say that as a doubt rather than, "She needs to hate you >_<"...

I'll take it into consideration.

BTW, when I read that scene, the change in her explanation felt a bit too sudden. To outline it better, I'd suggest to maybe change it like this. From this:

I'll see what I can do.

Well English is my third language, so I'm not sure I get it as well as a native speaker, but here I feel a bit confused.

Okay, I'll try to explain, it's probably not written well enough.

Basically, the boy's concern was that she was competing just to make the landlords proud/make them care, not because she herself wanted to do it. She tells him this is not the case, that she's swimming because she likes it, and she wants to win for herself (and as of the last scene, this should be assumed to be the truth by both him and her, and the reader as well).
At the same time, she still has feelings, of course, and she is sad about the whole situation. And her resentment of being abandoned/not loved motivates her in the present to keep working hard on her objective.
But it's not her reason for wanting to swim and compete, it's just something that motivates her, and as the boy says/thinks to himself: "If the anger motivates her and gives her that final push..." (note the "final").

I think the confusion is caused by "and that I want to show them, ‘this is what you missed out on.‘ and make them regret it." but this is supposed to just show that she's been hurt by the way she's been treated by them.

As an analogy: I'm writing for my own enjoyment, not to make money. However, having people donate to me on my Patreon motivates me to keep writing. Does this mean I am trying to make adult game development a career, and that I write in order to make money? It does not, despite obtaining motivation through making some small change through it.

I hope that explains my thought processes that went into writing the scene as it is right now. I can try to make the above more clear. She does acknowledge her own "contradiction", but it's meant to be clear that "motivation" here is not the same as her "reason" for swimming and competing.

I would feel it as more natural if that talk would go first about that hatred (still there?), and then about having the brother and doing well.

I mean, that's the usual energy flow. First she would express those things that bothered her, and then she would finish with the resolution (loving brother etc.).

I'll give this a shot when going through this scene again, I'll refer to this and your earlier comments when I'm doing so.

 

[m0us3r]

I think the confusion is caused by "and that I want to show them, ‘this is what you missed out on.‘ and make them regret it." but this is supposed to just show that she's been hurt by the way she's been treated by them.

No, I get it now.

You/she meant,"There is that motivation too", but I read it as "That is my motivation".

In your terms, I didn't distinguish "a motivation" (one of them) and "the reason", "the (general) motivation".

It should be easy to correct (for the sake of those like me) if she says instead of "I am motivated by", something like "There is that motivation too"...

I'll give this a shot when going through this scene again, I'll refer to this and your earlier comments when I'm doing so.

Thank you! All the best wishes!

 

[i107760]

You/she meant,"There is that motivation too", but I read it as "That is my motivation".

For now, I've changed the following things:

This should hopefully make it a bit more clear. More extensive retouching will have to wait until later (probably, after I finish upcoming conversation with the landlady).

 

[m0us3r]

And that my hatred of them motivates me

It seems to be OK now. Maybe I would even say:

And that my hatred of them does motivate me

(as the opposite of does not).

 

[Lvstinger5]

Heh, thanks Thanks for playing the game and I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. I've considered commissioning artwork for avatars in the past, but decided against it—one of the powers of a text-only game is that the characters can look exactly like what the players prefer. I give some details of course on their appearance, but it's up to the player's mind to complete the picture and fill in the gaps.

This is actually really smart and one I didn't take into consideration. not having a picture allows me to imagine her finer details myself and throw in some of my own personal tastes because I don't have a picture of her. like just with your cover art that's how I see the sister now. so actually I now have nothing more to add about your story. I haven't finished it yet so ill get back to you on it but so far so good.

 

[i107760]

It seems to be OK now

Yeah, I like it this way much better too, makes my intent much clearer. Amazing how such a small change can make things better.

The cover art is a good point. I basically selected this art because I thought the girl was cute, and she matches the intended image in my head decently. It's not meant to be an iron-clad rule of "the girl looks like this", though. (My Patreon cover art is similar, but also significantly different.)

I haven't finished it yet so ill get back to you on it but so far so good.

Have fun! Hope you enjoy the new content.

 

[hoyst]

The Sarah scene was good, but picked option 2 in the poll mainly because there was no change in it regarding the "eye color" choice. Would have been nice to have some small variation there.
Otherwise it also felt maybe a bit short, especially for his first time - "k, thanks, bye" and directly going back to Jules. Which works a bit better for the Julia route but not so much for the Sarah one.

 

[i107760]

The Sarah scene was good, but picked option 2 in the poll mainly because there was no change in it regarding the "eye color" choice. Would have been nice to have some small variation there.
Otherwise it also felt maybe a bit short, especially for his first time - "k, thanks, bye" and directly going back to Jules. Which works a bit better for the Julia route but not so much for the Sarah one.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll consider if there's a good way to implement something like this. The "dream choice" is more meant to be his "unconscious mind", so it's intentional that there's not too much changes from said choice (it's only the first of several choices between Julia and Sarah).
Perhaps I could lengthen the "farewell" scene a little if player has chosen the brown eye as a choice, with some extra thoughts regarding Sarah.

Glad to hear you like the scene, though! It's my first scene like this, planning to make some slight changes to it focus a little more on Sarah's reactions as discussed with another commenter in the thread. Hopefully it'll be even better, then.

 

[DeeCanon]

so is it supposed to go from choosing to eat your food in the canteen to the "on the road" scene? i tried redownloading it to see if that would change things but it didn't

 

[m0us3r]

so is it supposed to go from choosing to eat your food in the canteen to the "on the road" scene? i tried redownloading it to see if that would change things but it didn't

You mean, day 4? (Day 04 - Monday, 12:30. The School. - Class ends, and I get up from my desk. - "Ziemowit, you going to the canteen?")

Or day 8 scene 1?

I noticed just one kinda jump when they were going to see the nutritionist, and the next scene was they were in the car, coming back - but that was kinda OK, nothing really confusing. So I'm not sure what you mean.

 

[i107760]

so is it supposed to go from choosing to eat your food in the canteen to the "on the road" scene? i tried redownloading it to see if that would change things but it didn't

Where exactly? If you mean from:

to ("Eat your food")

then this is intentional, it's a bit of a timeskip. If it is confusing, I can try to to think of a way to show a timeskip is taking place.
You can always confirm if there's a bug by hovering over the header and confirming that you go from "PARTX" to "PARTX+1". Hope this clears things up.

 

[DeeCanon]

Where exactly? If you mean from:
View attachment 1665983
to ("Eat your food")
View attachment 1665985
then this is intentional, it's a bit of a timeskip. If it is confusing, I can try to to think of a way to show a timeskip is taking place.
You can always confirm if there's a bug by hovering over the header and confirming that you go from "PARTX" to "PARTX+1". Hope this clears things up.

yeah its kinda abrupt, was just checking to make sure though incase there was missing scenes

 

[baneini]

People don't shower naked before and after entering the pool in the fictional land this story takes place in?
Sounds awful.
It's pretty strange the girl doesn't just take the buss or ride a bike to the pool, how dependent is she?
Also no ones going to become an olympic level athlete without helicopter parents pushing it 24/7 so that parents who only interact via paying for hobby bit is oxymoronic.

 

[i107760]

People don't shower naked before and after entering the pool in the fictional land this story takes place in?
Sounds awful.

This is indeed not the norm in the US as far as I know. Especially not intersex. Hell, it's a famous stereotype that Americans do not shower before entering the pool at all.

It's pretty strange the girl doesn't just take the buss or ride a bike to the pool, how dependent is she?

Based on real life distance from estimated place of their home and the club facility, it's about an hour's drive by car (which can be seen from the time spent driving there in-game), you expect her to take her bike and spend 3 hours cycling there, and 3 hours back?
Public transport in the US is trash, finding a bus to take her would be impossible, or take literal hours. An upper class family would just hire a chauffeur (which they used to do, but the protagonist would still come along, because he enjoys it... and he swims himself, as well, which is also shown in the game).
And her over dependence on the protagonist is a big part of the story... explained by the social isolution due to the neglect she's faced, and having little friends in school. So why even ask if she's overly dependent, when she's intentionally just that?

Also no ones going to become an olympic level athlete without helicopter parents pushing it 24/7 so that parents who only interact via paying for hobby bit is oxymoronic.

A big part of her motivation in the story is them in fact pushing her to win medals by praising her and showing an otherwise neglected girl appreciation/love when she does well in swimming.
And I think the story has been pretty clear that the protagonist takes the role of a "helicopter parent". And, most importantly perhaps, it's a fucking porn game. You have to allow some immersion of disbelief, most games do away with the landlords entirely for a reason.

I feel like you're only looking for things to nit-pick on, feel free to not play the game, nobody is forcing you. There's plenty of things wrong with my game, but your complaints are some of the most asinine I've come across, since literally every single one of them is explained/justified in the story.
If you paid half as much attention to what's actually happening in the game rather than looking for shit to criticize, you would have realized it's set in the US and not a "fictional land".