- Thread starter i107760
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I'm surely no expert on the rules here but it seems like it should be fine for you to put the patch in the OP, just as a separate link. Many popular games have patches that do the exact same thing, setting relationships and age between the MC and other characters.
Better safe than sorry though, staff is usually pretty responsive.
Better safe than sorry though, staff is usually pretty responsive.
Updated thread with another bugfix now, and hopefully, re-added a patch to the thread that doesn't cause any trouble / witch hunts.
Shame this trouble all happened right after I made an update, I imagine it caused a bit of confusion for new readers. But it can't be helped.
Shame this trouble all happened right after I made an update, I imagine it caused a bit of confusion for new readers. But it can't be helped.
Settum
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- Jan 10, 2019
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Criticism about the game:
- Height... 4'6'' or 137 cm is way too short... even twelve year olds are on average 5 feet to give an example. Thus, the girl in question is beyond Tiny. Thankfully, it's customizable.
- Early linearity. I understand there's a prelude, but the false choices (or lack of)... the gameplay elements of clicking give a false sense of control that's just not there early on. As visual as it wants to be portrayed, it'd be more immersive if the first scene (back to the room and fapping) wasn't as unavoidable. Anyway, feels a bit forced. If it was more subtle with options to pursue it or have the "totally not sister" unintentionally provoke the MC it would probably feel more natural; I do understand it's not that easy to weave everything together, though.
- The whole second day is about her dream and coaching, Road to Victory or some swimming related tittle would have been more fitting than housesitting.
- The mom talk moment starts feeling like he made up his mind already and is being pretty manipulative in a sociopathic kind of way. Showing a bit of emotion and hurt would go a long way, the way that scene was written is like he's planning to develop more feelings.
- The Diary recap was fine, maybe split it into two or three pages while increasing the font size to make it look more authentic.
- A clear cut choice is a bit weird, especially since it doesn't really affect anything at this point and although it might in the future; remember to keep the readers guessing.
- Height... 4'6'' or 137 cm is way too short... even twelve year olds are on average 5 feet to give an example. Thus, the girl in question is beyond Tiny. Thankfully, it's customizable.
- Early linearity. I understand there's a prelude, but the false choices (or lack of)... the gameplay elements of clicking give a false sense of control that's just not there early on. As visual as it wants to be portrayed, it'd be more immersive if the first scene (back to the room and fapping) wasn't as unavoidable. Anyway, feels a bit forced. If it was more subtle with options to pursue it or have the "totally not sister" unintentionally provoke the MC it would probably feel more natural; I do understand it's not that easy to weave everything together, though.
- The whole second day is about her dream and coaching, Road to Victory or some swimming related tittle would have been more fitting than housesitting.
- The mom talk moment starts feeling like he made up his mind already and is being pretty manipulative in a sociopathic kind of way. Showing a bit of emotion and hurt would go a long way, the way that scene was written is like he's planning to develop more feelings.
- The Diary recap was fine, maybe split it into two or three pages while increasing the font size to make it look more authentic.
- A clear cut choice is a bit weird, especially since it doesn't really affect anything at this point and although it might in the future; remember to keep the readers guessing.
The game used to be tagged with "Kintetic Novel" (but removed, likely 'cus it's not a VN), and my developer notes clearly say to not expect much gameplay and that there is very little choice to be made. I get your point though, but don't think I've tried to give a false impression given that it's clearly stated to be the case in the OP so that the reader knows about it beforehand.
It's not the choice yet, it only adds a single "point", there's gonna be 2-3 more choices where player has to choose Sarah, hopefully showing that in his he truly has fallen in love with her, and that entering her path will feel natural.
I'll take rest of your feedback into account, I agree with most of it (not changing title though, too much confusion, and the central theme very much is "caretaking" / babysitting). Not sure if I can do anything about it right away, but I'll remember it for when I'm retouching those scenes. Thanks for playing the game and giving your opinion!
Retouching the conversation with the woman is in the planning, so I might be able to improve that somewhat soon for you. I'll also take a try at improving the diary, you could be right that splitting it up in pages might be better.
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Glad to hear it, no matter how many people have told me already ^^
Next scene is done, will be posted soon. Need one more scene after that and the update will be done, so should be this month, in about two weeks.
If you download the PRE-PATCHED version it is applied automatically. As the instructions tell you, just extract and open the ".html" file. On the top of the browser, you can see the tab's title, which should tell you if it's working or not. Otherwise, in the settings screen, it'll be clear.
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I've also removed the poll from the thread, I'm happy with the responses that indicate that the writing for the dialogue when meeting Mike has indeed improved. Glad I took the time to go back and retouch that, and I'll continue doing so for the rest of day two, hopefully finishing it before the next update.
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, nothing much happens in it though. One more scene, and the next update will be done. ETA in about two weeks or so. I've also removed the poll from the thread, I'm happy with the responses that indicate that the writing for the dialogue when meeting Mike has indeed improved. Glad I took the time to go back and retouch that, and I'll continue doing so for the rest of day two, hopefully finishing it before the next update.
It's true, but a person in his situation does have changing views and morals often I'd assume. Between where he cries after first finding out about rape/non-concensual sex, abuse of power, ... and swears to himself to never hurt her - and then removing mom from her life so HE is the only person she looks to for guidance and depends on.
An easy fix to that scene seeming too forward would be a sentence or two shortly after where he regrets removing mom from her life but thinks its too late, he made his decision and just make the best out of it.
And to somewhat keep swinging between, nothing will ever happen and I will take control of her and mixing in some "looking and thinking is harmless". But slowly corrupting himself.
The conversation with the woman honestly needs a total rewrite. I wasn't entirely clear on how to do it at the time, and it's a scene I really struggled with.
For the story's sake, I had to find a way to keep her out of things (the story is about the boy and girl, after all), in a somewhat believable fashion—the result, was lackluster and uncharacteristic, just too sociopathic as Settum said (though, the way it currently is, does fit for an alternative path I have planned in the future, with a more "stern/proactive" PC character).
Now, I've had time to think about the conversation (I've been unhappy with it for a while), and come up with a hopefully better idea of how it should go down:
He is supposed to feel hurt and to not want to absolve her of her "sins", and he is also wary of her, her marriage is falling apart, and who knows if her turning over a new leaf will last?
He thinks she basically wants to swoop in now to make herself feel better, and that it is not out of genuine regret/concern for them. And obviously the relationship between them isn't great in the first place so it's hard for him to trust her motivations (again, also because he feels hurt by her, and doesn't want her to feel better).
On the other hand, he's also afraid that his reasoning is self serving, and that perhaps he has other, hidden motivations. And he's uncertain what the truth is, and he's kind of scared about the way he is acting, and he wonders if he was right to keep her away.
In the end, as you said, he puts it out of mind since it already happened, and that he has all the time in the world to think about it. And that if it turns out she truly did change, that he can still go back on his decision.
This discussion has given me the motivation to go and rewrite this entire scene finally, hopefully in a better way. It's... not easy to write this well though, so hopefully it turns out okay, or at least, better than it used to be. I at least think the motivations described above work out better than the way it's written now, better fitting his characterization.
For the story's sake, I had to find a way to keep her out of things (the story is about the boy and girl, after all), in a somewhat believable fashion—the result, was lackluster and uncharacteristic, just too sociopathic as Settum said (though, the way it currently is, does fit for an alternative path I have planned in the future, with a more "stern/proactive" PC character).
Now, I've had time to think about the conversation (I've been unhappy with it for a while), and come up with a hopefully better idea of how it should go down:
He is supposed to feel hurt and to not want to absolve her of her "sins", and he is also wary of her, her marriage is falling apart, and who knows if her turning over a new leaf will last?
He thinks she basically wants to swoop in now to make herself feel better, and that it is not out of genuine regret/concern for them. And obviously the relationship between them isn't great in the first place so it's hard for him to trust her motivations (again, also because he feels hurt by her, and doesn't want her to feel better).
On the other hand, he's also afraid that his reasoning is self serving, and that perhaps he has other, hidden motivations. And he's uncertain what the truth is, and he's kind of scared about the way he is acting, and he wonders if he was right to keep her away.
In the end, as you said, he puts it out of mind since it already happened, and that he has all the time in the world to think about it. And that if it turns out she truly did change, that he can still go back on his decision.
This discussion has given me the motivation to go and rewrite this entire scene finally, hopefully in a better way. It's... not easy to write this well though, so hopefully it turns out okay, or at least, better than it used to be. I at least think the motivations described above work out better than the way it's written now, better fitting his characterization.
Yes, this is basically what I had in mind as well, just hope I can execute it well enough in an interesting fashion.
Settum
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My criticism/analysis was kept very short and strongly worded, though I remember the scene felt that way mostly because of the inner thought and rational thinking, planning and manipulation that was inside his head. So, for example... him expressing his anger, even in thought, or trying to hurt her by keeping her away from her daughter,... would at least show the manipulation is driven by emotion rather than what felt (to me) extremely cold-hearted and detached... in the other way, if he expressed his detachment as buried sadness, regret... maybe sense of abandonment the whole thing would have felt different.
And that's the challenging thing with text only... when used with other media, it's easy to complement each other, but with writing small things: structure, layering, and choice of words can change a chapter completely.
Now that I read the author's post to the end, I see I was surprising well understood.
Might just want to add a warning. As great as trying to correct something is, (by listening to criticism, trying to make it perfect or feel better, etc) if you keep doing it over and over, you'll never finish. A suggestion would be to have a few work notes of what you want to revisit and do it only after you finished majour arcs, be it in writing or in your head (planned). That way you have a better feel and understanding of what's going to happen, thus able to redo past scenes with everything in mind... besides... you then just need to do them once.
And that's the challenging thing with text only... when used with other media, it's easy to complement each other, but with writing small things: structure, layering, and choice of words can change a chapter completely.
Now that I read the author's post to the end, I see I was surprising well understood.
Might just want to add a warning. As great as trying to correct something is, (by listening to criticism, trying to make it perfect or feel better, etc) if you keep doing it over and over, you'll never finish. A suggestion would be to have a few work notes of what you want to revisit and do it only after you finished majour arcs, be it in writing or in your head (planned). That way you have a better feel and understanding of what's going to happen, thus able to redo past scenes with everything in mind... besides... you then just need to do them once.
I've been unhappy about this scene ever since it was written, pretty much, just never took the time to go back and fix it. Talking about the scene again now, and getting some criticism on it made me put more thought in it, and come up with a general idea of how it could be improved.
Well, you're right, but now that I've decided to rewrite it I won't stop
I've written a lot of new content already now, just the editing/retouching needs to be done before releasing it, and I've basically plotted out the next few updates. Another conversation with the woman is coming up, and in order to write this new one well, I feel like I should rewrite the old one to fit my ideas first—this is sort of a continuation of it, after all, and the previous conversation will be referenced at points, too.
I plan to restrict my rewriting of things for the near future to the rest of the second day, and this conversation with the woman. Later on, I'll probably continue rewriting some of the other days, if I feel something isn't right there.
ciderapple
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- May 29, 2017
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I am fine with the story as-is. And I titled the girl as my 'sister', so there was no father daughter stuff going on in my playthrough. Although that would have been alright too. And blue eyes. definitely blue eyes.
The whole 'shame' stuff didn't make any sense. Personally I felt no shame at all. So.... yep.
The whole 'shame' stuff didn't make any sense. Personally I felt no shame at all. So.... yep.
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ciderapple
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incorrect, there are a lot of very short women in the world, even when they are fully adult. simply because someone may be outside the 'average' does not make it an impossibility. Also i'm guessing you have not visited many other countries. There are some places in the world where everyone is just normally shorter than they are in other places. (and I personally think your height 'requirements' do not count for 3 figs - because you are not the author of the game. If you don't like it, you can make your own game)
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ciderapple
Active Member
- May 29, 2017
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Don't let people badger you into changing your original vision. I thought it was just fine the way it was.I've been unhappy about this scene ever since it was written, pretty much, just never took the time to go back and fix it. Talking about the scene again now, and getting some criticism on it made me put more thought in it, and come up with a general idea of how it could be improved.
Well, you're right, but now that I've decided to rewrite it I won't stop
Another conversation with the woman is coming up, and in order to write this new one well, I feel like I should rewrite the old one to fit my ideas first—this is sort of a continuation of it, after all, and the previous conversation will be referenced at points, too.
I plan to restrict my rewriting of things for the near future to the rest of the second day, and this conversation with the woman. Later on, I'll probably continue rewriting some of the other days, if I feel something isn't right there.