VN Ren'Py Completed Sunshine Love [Ch. 3 v1.01i Extras] [MrDots Games]

[storm1105]

"Wait, did you just call me attractive?" - Sister, "Huh? Oh, what I mean was-" - MC, You're really sweet "name" I'll be sure to tell Nicole about the wonderful compliment you just gave me!" - Sister, "You wouldn't dare!" - MC, "Hahaha, Nah I won't say anything, so don't worry." - Sister, (In thought: It's actually rather cute when he doesn't quite know what to say to me.), "So _name_, I have to ask..." "Where are these hotel owners that you said were going to meet us here this morning?" "And I couldn't help buy notice, it's pretty quiet around the hotel. I mean, it feels like we're the only two people here!" - MC, "Look, _name_, please don't be mad, but I haven't been entirely honest with you." - Sister,

How does this sound odd to you? Mc only used the given name once in the conversation and it was when trying to change the subject. Sister only used the given name twice, once at the beginning of the conversation and again when trying to change the subject. It's also used to emphasize tone and to convey that the subject is important.

If we're having a conversation first then I have some sort of bad news to tell you I'm going to use your given name since I'm changing the tone.


Me: "Hey LoliaS, could you give me a ride to work my car's in the shop"
LoliaS:"What's wrong with your car"
me:;"It just broke down"
Lolia:"Yeah, but hey storm is everything ok you seem like you're hiding something"
Me:" So LoliaS I don't exactly know how to tell you this, but Dave died last night"

"Hey storm, want to go out later tonight? How about 8PM, that work for you, storm? Oh by the way, storm, I'll be bringing a friend, maybe you can too? I really appreciate this storm, it's going to be so much fun!" - If this sounds natural to you, and something you physically can see happen, well I just don't believe you, outright. Your name would not be repeated here that often at all in any conversation, real or otherwise.

No, but it's also not really like the example you gave me. For the reasons I already listed. The main reason why it sounds odd is not because you used the given name multiple times but because it sounds like you repeatedly gave a given name without a chance for a reply and because you used a pronoun and proper noun right next to each other which the example doesn't do. An even then if you took out the storms in the middle of the conversation and left the ones at the beginning and end it would still sound pretty normal.

"Hey storm, want to go out later tonight around 8PM, that work for you? Oh by the way, I'll be bringing a friend, maybe you can too? I really appreciate this storm, it's going to be so much fun!"


That sounds pretty normal to me. Like I said it would have also sounded pretty normal if you waited for a response first


You:"Hey storm, want to go out later tonight?"

me:"sure, what time"

You: How about 8PM, that work for you? Oh by the way, storm, I'll be bringing a friend, maybe you can too?

Me: "Yeah that works for me"

You: "I really appreciate this storm, it's going to be so much fun!"



That sounds way more normal and it's still not like the actual in game example because there is no sort of tone shift or anything. Using a given name in a conversation isn't weird sounding at all. Your madeup example only sounded weird because it seemed like it was a continuous run on without waiting for a reply while the actual example from the game sounds normal. The actual in game example is pretty properly spaced out. Your example seems like a strawman because the actual context of the covnersation isn't similar As for love of magic I like the devs other games but love of magic itself bored me and I dropped it in chapter 2. I also didn't care for any of the love interests in that game. I thought the writing was significantly worse than this game and is probably the worse one from that dev and I actually like their other projects, it was jst love of magic that was bad. I only played half of it but that half I played didn't impress me.

 

[BruhfessorX]

You:"Hey Storm, want to go out later tonight?"

me:"Sure, what time?"

You: How about 8PM, that work? Oh by the way, I'll be bringing a friend, maybe you can too?

Me: "Yeah, that works for me."

You: "I really appreciate this, it's going to be so much fun!"



I believe this is the natural flow they're talking about in a casual one on one conversation. Where a name is used once to establish who is being talked to. Even 'you' references can be cut down to a minimum.

Also, my writing services are available.

 

[storm1105]

You:"Hey Storm, want to go out later tonight?"

me:"Sure, what time?"

You: How about 8PM, that work? Oh by the way, I'll be bringing a friend, maybe you can too?

Me: "Yeah, that works for me."

You: "I really appreciate this, it's going to be so much fun!"



I believe this is the natural flow they're talking about in a casual one on one conversation. Where a name is used once to establish who is being talked to. Even 'you' references can be cut down to a minimum.

Also, my writing services are available.

Sure but even then that's wasn't like their example. Their made up example was just repeating the name multiple times in single thought without waiting for a reply. The example I made up is closer to how the dialogue is actually used in the conversation Saying your name at the end of the conversation isn't really unnatural either

 

[BruhfessorX]

Sure but even then that's wasn't like their example. Their made up example was just repeating the name multiple times in single thought without waiting for a reply. The example I made up is closer to how the dialogue is actually used in the conversation Saying your name at the end of the conversation isn't really unnatural either

I agree, ending it with a name isn't unnatural. But it flows better without it, showing more of a connection between two people. This isn't a combative post from me on either of your viewpoints, just simply using the example given to show what a more natural conversation would look like from someone with a writing background. Constructive feedback and all that.

 

[DoubleDabbler]

Having played a few visual novels from MrDot games, I really think there needs to be an additional writer or just an outright change in writing style. Maybe read some fan fiction or something. A lot of the dialogue in this game, and others, are so stilted. It's as if none of the girls have any personality that's unique to them that can be pertained from how they speak. There's an unreal overuse of hyper-formality in the setting that lends itself to being hyper unrealistic. Just as well, "shall" for "shall we X" is insanely overused and I'm sorry, but 18 year old girls and mid 20 year olds aren't saying that every single time there's an event to be had or a date to be experienced. "Shall we drive" , "shall we go", "shall I... " - stop my guy, this is so bad. You don't say this shit in real life, why are we making characters in a video game within a modern timeline speak it so often?

It's genuinely terrible writing. Dating My Daughter was a long time ago and I'm not sure if I played through it all, I doubt I did. Melody I completed once and didn't go back and now on the 2nd chapter for Sunshine Love. Please look into hiring a new writer or at least a second writer. If these games are translated, then a new translator/writer. My brain almost can't handle how atrocious these people speak, it's as if they're strangers who never get past a single coming together and remain at arms length. No nicknames, no shortened pet names, hyper formal, afraid to say things casually. Sis obviously works just fine here, or Isa or Bella if you wanted to. Do people even care that much about naming characters? I'd much rather it all be dealt with by the developers so things can progress properly and not have to care about how someone doesn't think so-and-so be named such-and-such; those people are a lost cause anyways.

5 weeks in and I don't think I'd be calling my step-sis by her first name all the time, which leads me into how names are used all the damn time, there is no they, he, she pronouns, any attempt at sounding genuine. If a name has been brought up, pronouns can be used in-place of their full name within a context of a sentence. "Isabella isn't here right now, she's taken a phone call. Right, I'll inform Isabella about the inquires Madam. No of course not, Isabella will get back to you as soon as possible, my word." - What?! People don't talk like that. Those Isabella's would just be "she" in any normal real life situation, even if it's business loaded. You can use the name at the very end for some semblance of understanding but that's really it. Funnily enough, the only place, at least in this game where it _would_ make sense are in court hearings, but this game isn't dealing with court, it's a hotel business and the people running it are about as casual as casual can get, not some tight-ass stuffy hotel.

Ignoring writing, I think it's a big mistake to not have two highly branching choices regarding male/female occupants in the hotel. There should have, quite obviously, painstakingly obvious, been a choice where MC wants to keep going with Isabella on it being female owned and for female occupents, or try and change it up by allowing males to occupy hotel rooms. Probably too out of scope for the team, and quite unfortunate, as a harem game, it's so easy to see what kind of insane stuff would have worked out had it just gone the way of being a place for women and only women, minus clearly, the MC. Meh, there were lines in Chapter 1 about it too, but clearly that's been sidelined for allowing both sexes to rent a stay out.

This isn't an issue to MrDot's games either but damn it's bad enough here I had to rant about it.

You have a point that there is an over-formality with some of the language and the characters all speaking that way. When there is an uncommon phrasing that gets used by everyone it really makes them feel all written the same way. Same for the strange lack of pronouns. I do think they probably both come from non-native translation and no native proofreader/editor. It's frustratingly a pretty common problem with the majority of these games on this we-only-use-English-site (but, yes, I know they don't officially come from here).

But holy shit, I think the nickname rant is pretty specifically a you thing. Nicknames are ultimately the purview of the named. If they introduce themselves by a nickname, fine. If you assign one and they endorse it, same. But if you use one solely because you think they should have one you are a dick. I know people who prefer their full name even when their name lends itself to nicknames and would never dream about having a gripe about their preference. I know two Isabella's well and they both detest "Bella" and what kind of awkward, wack nickname is "Isa?" And then at the end we find it is your fault because you chose the name? Change it to "Bella" then if it is so important to you.

That said, the first adult game I played had a central love interest with a form in the settings for her: Her name is ____. She is your ____. You are her ____. She calls you _____. You call her ____. Genius. Allows customization/personalization. Gets around censorship. I thought all games going forward would have this, open it up for more characters, add nick names and pet names. But not the case. Not sure if it is because it crazy laborious to code or what. It's all gone patches which are pretty specific to one thing and not customizable. So, I just use URM which works pretty well.

For me the unnaturalness came in other areas that may or may not have also been translation or cultural issues. There are wild swings in relationship dynamics like they forget what they had previously covered/acknowledged/agreed to. There is so much extraneous language and inner monologue. Just adds nothing in terms of plot, character, flavor. That is when it isn't actually painful like the places he is supposed to be funny.

I really wanted to delve this game for it's unique diversity of possible endings. I haven't ever seen a game have so many and so many types of endings and was totally psyched. But the dialogue makes it a slog and just makes me wish I could be the English editor so it could be a game English speakers like me could better enjoy without having to ignore/accept so much awkward uncanny-ness. The writing has taken this from an excited to play to occasionally forcing myself to play for a few minutes before I have to put it down again out of frustation. Such a shame when it could all be fixed by a native editor.

 

[skully628]

does anyone know why they made the cousins story so fast like you speak to her a couple times and kiss her twice then it jumps straight to you eating her out on a public beach a few days later i love the game dont get me wrong but for that character of all people to be doing that right away then she give u a blowjob and that next time u go to her house doesn't really make any sense as shes meant to be this shy timid nervous self conscious girl and has really bad anxiety and stuff more then any other character from any of mrdots games like dee from dmd and jen took awhlie to do anything like that same with other characters in melody

other then that i am thoroughly enjoying the game even if there is a few things i think could of been better hopefully the next two chapter are better

 

[cxx]

does anyone know why they made the cousins story so fast like you speak to her a couple times and kiss her twice then it jumps straight to you eating her out on a public beach a few days later

let's say it was love on 1st sight.

 

[skully628]

let's say it was love on 1st sight.

not really or the ending of ch1 would of been her instead of 'sis' but they could of written it better for her character instead of rushing it like that and not as in ushing it to where its just shit i mean as its too fast for her and it would of been a better path if it wasnt as fast

 

[Drevok]

I have a problem. The peeping tom images stopped unlocking. I had no problem until now, but now they don't unlock. Doesn't matter how many times I click on the peeping tom face. I'm still in chapter 1

Has this happened to anyone else?

 

[cxx]

not really or the ending of ch1 would of been her instead of 'sis' but they could of written it better for her character instead of rushing it like that and not as in ushing it to where its just shit i mean as its too fast for her and it would of been a better path if it wasnt as fast

well sure she could been written differently but sis was main and sc was more side.

 

[LoliaS]

You have a point that there is an over-formality with some of the language and the characters all speaking that way. When there is an uncommon phrasing that gets used by everyone it really makes them feel all written the same way. Same for the strange lack of pronouns. I do think they probably both come from non-native translation and no native proofreader/editor. It's frustratingly a pretty common problem with the majority of these games on this we-only-use-English-site (but, yes, I know they don't officially come from here).

Condensed the quote simply to not spam the page, but I do at least appreciate someone else chiming in on the general writing quality, and for that, thank you.

 

[skully628]

well sure she could been written differently but sis was main and sc was more side.

yhh just wondering why they didnt take the time to do it like they could of put the two scenes with the cousin in ch2 and in ch1 have do smaller things to build up to them scenes that would be moved to ch2 and from what ive seen on some page and on mrdots website you dont have to actual pick the main girl you can pick anyone

 

[cxx]

yhh just wondering why they didnt take the time to do it like they could of put the two scenes with the cousin in ch2 and in ch1 have do smaller things to build up to them scenes that would be moved to ch2 and from what ive seen on some page and on mrdots website you dont have to actual pick the main girl you can pick anyone

nope but then needs to cheat to unlock all endings.

 

[skully628]

nope but then needs to cheat to unlock all endings.

yess and not really

 

[cxx]

yess and not really

well playing last update from start and then give them points is cheating too.

 

[skully628]

well playing last update from start and then give them points is cheating too.

what are you on about i said you can pick any girl to end with as its on mrdots website

 

[cxx]

what are you on about i said you can pick any girl to end with as its on mrdots website

yes if they have required amount of points.

 

[cace]

In this game is there cheating?

 

[cxx]

In this game is there cheating?

sorta but actually no.

 

[sfabre1963]

Damn the MC's girlfriend Nicole looks like Greta Thumberg, ugly as hell!