VN Ren'Py Abandoned The Bodyguard [v1.00 - Ch.01-03] [Short Lemonade]

[zherealbastard]

...Writing issues beside and I think here we can help the same way as Patreons or so...but to be honest the look of the game, the pictures are something I´d never seen here in the scene of adult games.Very well done...and yes, I´ll have more than just a look to support this game further...really great work...

 

[Cpt.SumTingWong]

Another bodyguard game ? In!

 

[giggitygigity]

To be honest, it need polishing with the dialogue, I can understand the words but the sentences are complete gibberish at times. Renders are okay tho, just nice.

 

[Allan Trumbull]

Femdom & ntr planned ? (I hope not)

Is it slowburn like a specific game??

 

[Kitchentable]

"And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiaiiii wiiiil aaalllwaaays looooove yooooooouhoooooooo"

Bruce Willis is bald too. So is Agent 47. And so will you be one day too.
Tough luck kiddos!

I like when a dev does something new and off the beaten track.
Props for the main protagonist and huge props for the header,
banner, whatever in the movie poster style. That's freaking great.

 

[Vendrik Valgar]

is that Andrew Tate?

 

[Ragnar]

Glad to see my boy Max Payne back in business.

 

[Short Lemonade]

Excellent start! I have enjoyed what you have done very much.

You could use a good copy editor to correct some odd dialogue flow and word choices, but otherwise it is pretty well written.

Looking forward to more.

Game looks promising, but there's a lot of writing issues. Idioms that don't fit, sentences that sound weird and a strange dialogue flow.

To give one example:
Jack: "If you get me a blanket, I'll marry you."
Ann: "Promises... I hope you end up better than my late husband. I find you this."

This is both a weird dialogue flow, as well as a weird way of saying she'll get the blanket.

It seems more logical that you'd do a different beat stucture: Emotional Response. Address of Issue. Conclusion of Interaction.

"Promises... I'll see what I can do. I hope you end up better than my late husband."
To give an explanation on why this is better:

Emotional beat: Sense of longing - she's left without her husband and the idea of being married, having someone close to her, is appealing. But underneath it all is the sentiment that those promises are rarely ever kept.

Address of Issue: She redirects to the actual request he made and addresses it. This one is noncomittal instead of comitted, because a comitted response speaks to some prior impulse that creates a need. (e.g. He needs to have a blanket because it's a cold winter or he has issues sleeping at night without blanket, so having one is vitally important.)

Conclusion of Interaction: The interaction ends on the beat that he's made a favorable enough impression that she hopes he'll find a better end than her husband. This serves as a kind of review of their interaction. By having it end on that beat, you're leaving on the idea of "her positive feelings after their interaction" rather than "her plan to get him a blanket". The former is clearly more relevant for the reader, so it deserves more focus.

My suggestion: Get yourself beta readers or an editor (via recruitment board on the forum) who have a good idea of how to cut dialogue & a more natural understanding of how to convey the text. (You can use my example above as some guideline of what they should be able to offer you.)

Your game is not so much fetish based but seems to have a strong narrative focus & a story to tell. That means the quality of the writing is going to matter a lot more than in some fetish game that seeks to play to a niche audience.

Looking forward to what comes of your game, I wish for your success.

Ok thanks for all the valuable feedback. I think this text problem needs some clarification.

1. Yes. English is not my native language. I can write in French, German, Japanese... but not in English. This is a problem in this kind of game. Even more so when it's based on a pretty strong scenario.

2. That's why I had asked someone to do a editor job and avoid this kind of problem. A job that cost me some money (you can see my ad in the recruitment section). Exchanges with this person show that there is a misunderstanding in the expected result.

3. I don't hide the fact that the poor quality of the texts in English disappoints me a lot. I will have to find a way to make changes in the existing content and in the texts that are already written in chapter 2.

 

[Sir Anal]

Jack: "If you get me a blanket, I'll marry you."
Ann: "Promises... I hope you end up better than my late husband. I find you this."

This is both a weird dialogue flow, as well as a weird way of saying she'll get the blanket.

It seems more logical that you'd do a different beat stucture: Emotional Response. Address of Issue. Conclusion of Interaction.

Maybe, but it corresponds much better to the language spoken in Latin languages like Italian, French or others where there are a lot of undertones, especially when you have a minimum of empathy.
It is a dialogue, not a novel or a philosophical essay.
Without wishing to get ahead of myself, I think that this is more or less how I would have formulated my answer in French in a conversation with a relative or in a written dialogue (even if this is not directly my job, it happens quite often as a course creator).
For me this dialogue sounds quite natural and a bit humorous.

 

[kuraiken]

Ok thanks for all the valuable feedback. I think this text problem needs some clarification.

1. Yes. English is not my native language. I can write in French, German, Japanese... but not in English. This is a problem in this kind of game. Even more so when it's based on a pretty strong scenario.

2. That's why I had asked someone to do a editor job and avoid this kind of problem. A job that cost me some money (you can see my ad in the recruitment section). Exchanges with this person show that there is a misunderstanding in the expected result.

That's unfortunate. It seems like the proofreader in question probably had a different expectation of what the job entails.
If that's the english after the improvements, it's likely that you're looking more for a (ghost)writer than an editor.

Proofreading primarily focuses on finding oversights in grammar, syntax, spelling & diction, who essentially sharpen what's already there to a point & remove the last flaws.

This type of ghostwriting requires the writer to basically go through every sentence and use them as source to rewrite the text. That's a ton of work more than proofreading, because you need to divine the intent in what's being sad, read the subtle clues that the original writer wants to give, capture the tone & pacing that's intended, etc.

One way in which you can make this easier for the person doing it is providing a scene outline. That's basically a brief summary & explanation of what the scene intends to convey and what they main focus point is. Otherwise writers will have to attempt to divine this from existing text which can easily go wrong.

3. I don't hide the fact that the poor quality of the texts in English disappoints me a lot. I will have to find a way to make changes in the existing content and in the texts that are already written in chapter 2.

That's not something to beat yourself up about. No one can just write text in a foreign language. It can take many years of professional practice to get good at it.

If you're still in contact with your current editor (if you're still working together), you may want to discuss how best to move forward & be sympathetic to the fact that the scope of your request probably exceeded what was expected as workload. But it's also quite clear that the current level of proofreading is not sufficient, so if the proofreader isn't interested in this - or doesn't believe they can manage that (even if the procedure is changed, e.g. through scene outlines) - you may have to find someone else.
The bad news is that it's probably not going to be cheap.
The best option would be someone who, as you say, is not only experienced in writing english, but also fluent in french - that would make it a lot easier for you to communicate your intentions.

Alternatively you look for a writer to collab with (cheaper, but it will be a permanent revenue cut and you'll have to live with their own interpretations) or to hire someone to ghostwrite the text for you (a lot more expensive and requires direct pay, since you're looking for a very high degree of experience in the writer, since they have to be able to read your intentions).

 

[AngelsAfterDark]

Looks good and apparently it's story rich. Sucks that the MC looks old as dirt tho. That just ruins it for me.

 

[Moosica]

Looks good and apparently it's story rich. Sucks that the MC looks old as dirt tho. That just ruins it for me.

Totally agree with you. I also find that putting on such an old MC is very disappointing. The DEV could have put in a 40-years-old MC, that would have satisfied many more people.

 

[Venomosity]

is there sex with tatiana already?

 

[AngelsAfterDark]

Totally agree with you. I also find that putting on such an old MC is very disappointing. The DEV could have put in a 40-years-old MC, that would have satisfied many more people.

Exactly. I have no problem with older MCs but ugly and old as dirt is not a good combination lol. The dev could've used Trajan if possible.

Trajan for Gen 8. Older gentleman but still easy on the eyes and more "Protagonist" looking as opposed to the seriel killer looking MC in this game.

 

[DuchessYasmin]

I dunno if it's a bug or not but when I start up the game and fill up MC's name, apparently the Surname and First name are in the wrong order.

 

[Moosica]

Exactly. I have no problem with older MCs but ugly and old as dirt is not a good combination lol. The dev could've used Trajan if possible.
View attachment 2076928
Trajan for Gen 8. Older gentleman but still easy on the eyes and more "Protagonist" looking as opposed to the seriel killer looking MC in this game.

Totally agree with you this MC is very attractive!
Quite to opposite of the MC of the game which is ugly

 

[kwiatos]

Exactly. I have no problem with older MCs but ugly and old as dirt is not a good combination lol. The dev could've used Trajan if possible.
View attachment 2076928
Trajan for Gen 8. Older gentleman but still easy on the eyes and more "Protagonist" looking as opposed to the seriel killer looking MC in this game.

In my opinion this dude looks like gay, and don't fit the story

 

[Moosica]

In my opinion this dude looks like gay, and don't fit the story

It's true that an ugly and old man all wrinkled and bald fits the story better lol

 

[xmilteach]

thx

 

[AngelsAfterDark]

In my opinion this dude looks like gay, and don't fit the story

I strongly disagree but that's your opinion as you said.