VN Ren'Py UFO [Ch.3 v0.6.5] [17MOONKEYS]

4.00 star(s) 119 Votes
Discussion Reviews (119)
Deleted member 3994251

Deleted member 3994251

adult fairy tales
Game Developer
Jul 30, 2021
1,845
6,248
FlyingPony said:
I have just stated the new game and have few suggestions if you don't mind. First, I think writing doesn't really feel "flowy" or natural. I think it needs some rewrites to make it feel more organic. For example the opening scene originally goes like this:

...

- Oh God! Mom, just listen to me for once, will you!
- Anna you are drunk. Look, I've been listening to you whining for the last two hours. If you want me to help, get to the point. Come on sweetie, tell me what your problem is and please keep it short.
- It's not just one.
- Just spill it. What's bothering you?
- Olivia went of to college, and is going to live in a dorm. I miss her so much. She and I were so close, now she is in another town. And I...
- Okay, what else.
- Jason's brother and his wife died in a car accident, and now their son lives with us. He took Olivia's bedroom. I've mentioned it before.
- Yes I remember. I even got him a cute teddy bear when I was at the airport. Do you think he'll like it?
- Haha, Mom, he's not a kid anymore. His dick is bigger than Jason's! (Omg! Did I say that out loud?)
- So this is the problem? That his dick is bigger than your husband's?

...

How I would have written it:

- How are holding up sweetie? Are you doing alright? This has been a hectic year, both for you and for Jason.
- That's an understatement of the century, mom. First, Olivia decides to go to college halfway across the country, then Jason's brother dies in a car crash and leaves his kid to Jason and me to foster and now I am beside myself, worrying sick about this child.
- Is something wrong with him?
- No... Well, how do I put it. Nothing wrong with him, he is just weird. Watch X-files all day long, meditate in pjs at the porch and search for aliens weird.
- Give him some slack. He is still just a kid.
- Heh, looking at his penis you wouldn't think so! (Omg! Did I really say that!)
- Well now, and how would you know that, dear?
- Eh, he stays in Olivia's room and I absentmindedly barged in like I usually do. Saw his kielbasa in all it's glory. He made me even touch it, saying his balls hurt.
- You are drunk, honey.
- Hey, I just checked on him, it's not like did anything... But he sure is impressive.
- ... Say, is he... like... say 11 inches impressive?
- Mom! ... Yeah...
- Yeah...

...

Second, I think the game could lean more into parody. For example when MC meets Barbie I think is the perfect time for a joke.

- Hi, I'm Barbie, the chief mate. You must be the guy from the fridge? You must be the real, human dude from the fridge?
- Haha, yeah that's me.
- Cool, tell me if I'm doing it right.
(She turns around to hold the console and looking back at MC says)
- Help me, step-bro I am stuck.

Sure, the joke is old and played out but it has the charm of a low brow humor that is common in porn parodies. Kinda like a trademark cringe.
Click to expand...
Thank You. I will think about it.
 
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Smarmint

Smarmint

Well-Known Member
Mar 23, 2019
1,252
4,895
FlyingPony said:
I have just stated the new game and have few suggestions if you don't mind. First, I think writing doesn't really feel "flowy" or natural. I think it needs some rewrites to make it feel more organic.
Click to expand...
I think the dialog improves a lot once the MC wakes up on the ship. I was a little disconnected from the story also, due to the rapid-fire dialog on the Earth scenes at the very beginning, but once the MC is on the ship, and on the doll planet, the dialog flows much more naturally.
 
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FurieduDragon

FurieduDragon

Newbie
Oct 1, 2021
43
10
I really love this game, but I was wondering, will there be some belly inflation content, because I don't remember seeing any ?
Also I think you could add some sort of gallery where you could see every sex scene you unlocked, because right now the only way to look a scene again is to make another save or to save right before the scene.
 
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Reactions: Deleted member 3994251
Deleted member 3994251

Deleted member 3994251

adult fairy tales
Game Developer
Jul 30, 2021
1,845
6,248
FurieduDragon said:
I really love this game, but I was wondering, will there be some belly inflation content, because I don't remember seeing any ?
Also I think you could add some sort of gallery where you could see every sex scene you unlocked, because right now the only way to look a scene again is to make another save or to save right before the scene.
Click to expand...
Pregnancy and lactation will be in the game. Gallery will be after version 1.0
 
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Aeakos

Aeakos

Newbie
Apr 30, 2021
56
97
FlyingPony said:
I have just stated the new game and have few suggestions if you don't mind. First, I think writing doesn't really feel "flowy" or natural. I think it needs some rewrites to make it feel more organic. For example the opening scene originally goes like this:

...

- Oh God! Mom, just listen to me for once, will you!
- Anna you are drunk. Look, I've been listening to you whining for the last two hours. If you want me to help, get to the point. Come on sweetie, tell me what your problem is and please keep it short.
- It's not just one.
- Just spill it. What's bothering you?
- Olivia went of to college, and is going to live in a dorm. I miss her so much. She and I were so close, now she is in another town. And I...
- Okay, what else.
- Jason's brother and his wife died in a car accident, and now their son lives with us. He took Olivia's bedroom. I've mentioned it before.
- Yes I remember. I even got him a cute teddy bear when I was at the airport. Do you think he'll like it?
- Haha, Mom, he's not a kid anymore. His dick is bigger than Jason's! (Omg! Did I say that out loud?)
- So this is the problem? That his dick is bigger than your husband's?

...

How I would have written it:

- How are holding up sweetie? Are you doing alright? This has been a hectic year, both for you and for Jason.
- That's an understatement of the century, mom. First, Olivia decides to go to college halfway across the country, then Jason's brother dies in a car crash and leaves his kid to Jason and me to foster and now I am beside myself, worrying sick about this child.
- Is something wrong with him?
- No... Well, how do I put it. Nothing wrong with him, he is just weird. Watch X-files all day long, meditate in pjs at the porch and search for aliens weird.
- Give him some slack, dear. He is still just a kid.
- Heh, looking at his penis you wouldn't think so! (Omg! Did I really say that!)
- Well now, and how would you know that, sweetie?
- Eh, he stays in Olivia's room and I absentmindedly barged in like I usually do. Saw his kielbasa in all it's glory. He made me even touch it, saying his balls hurt.
- You are drunk, honey.
- Hey, I just checked on him, it's not like did anything... But he sure is impressive.
- ... Say, is he... like... say 11 inches impressive?
- Mom! ... Yeah...
- Yeah...

...

Second, I think the game could lean more into parody. For example when MC meets Barbie I think is the perfect time for a joke.

- Hi, I'm Barbie, the chief mate. You must be the guy from the fridge? You must be the real, human dude from the fridge?
- Haha, yeah that's me.
- Cool, tell me if I'm doing it right.
(She turns around to hold the console and looking back at MC says)
- Help me step-bro, I am stuck.

Sure, the joke is old and played out but it has the charm of a low brow humor that is common in porn parodies. Kinda like a trademark cringe.
Click to expand...
So it's a Polish family?
 
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4.00 star(s) 119 Votes