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Hey guys, I hope you're all doing okay.
I've been putting off writing this for a lot of the same reasons that it's hard to write for WVM right now.
I'm not sure what all I'm going to say... I'm just going to type a bit so I apologize if it's rambly.
Issues
So with everything that's happened... well, I'm having some difficulties getting through it.
I've dealt with death before but it's never been something that has debilitated me. Previously I was just able to focus on work or whatever I had going on and I'd get through it that way. But work was always an emotionless "busy" task before.
I'm invested in WVM so it's not a place to escape. I find myself getting emotional randomly while working on it. All I want to do recently is lay in bed and I hate it.
What magnifies it all is the fact I'm stuck in this tiny house... more than anything I just want to go somewhere and be surrounded by chatter and disappear in it all. I just feel so disconnected, I'm forced to sit here and just think about it with no closure.
I've tried distracting myself... with working on wvm, playing bannerlord, watching always sunny/avatar but she's always in my mind.
I keep thinking about a conversation I had with her a long time ago when she was first getting sick. She told me about how she was afraid to die. That there were so many things she wanted to see and do. But with her having copd she wasn't able to do much... so many things on her list she never got to experience. It's so fucking unfair... she always talked about wanting to see the northern lights because a friend of hers would never shut up about them and that she had to see it for herself. I don't even know if I could have but I really wanted to take her to see them, or at the very least take her to a Steelers game because she always wanted to go to Heinz field. She did so much for me, I would not be where I am without her.
Fuck, I just hope she's in a better place now. That she's no longer sick and I hope she isn't scared.
She got dealt such a shit hand but she never complained. She was actually an angel and I miss her. Everything happened so suddenly, I was on the phone with her last week and she was laughing and having a good time.
Okay I have to stop, I'm a fucking teary eyed mess right now. I'm sorry for being such a downer but I needed to vent a little. I just wanted to explain the mindset I've been in and why it's so hard to work right now, specifically writing dialogue for WVM.
Pretty much anytime I do I get emotional/teary and I think about her. And it's honestly a debilitating sadness... one I can't just power through.
I'm still working on renders and I got a lot done in terms of custom textures and things like that for later in day 7. There's currently 270 renders done.
But there isn't going to be a release today, for all of the reasons above... and I can't promise there will be one next week. I really, really hope there is and I'll absolutely have one if I can. I don't want to lie to you guys though, shit is really tough right now. I'll speak more about where I am this weekend when I put out the weekend renders.
I'd also like to give a massive thanks to all of you. You've all been so supportive and kind and I really needed it. I haven't replied to many messages but just know I've read them and they meant a lot to me. I haven't seen one person complain and that has helped alleviate a lot of the stress. I'm not sure if that will change now that it's another week and I'm not sure if I could even be mad if it did.
You guys mean so much to me, and I'm sorry I'm not able to make what you all enjoy to play right now. It does weigh heavily on me but I have to do what's right for me and my mental health.
I love you guys... and thanks again. <3
