It seems to be an ok beginning, but the english sentence structure is stilted and needs work. There are also too many blank black screens, which is fine when the MC is going to sleep (no one sleeps with their eyes open) but it makes no sense in any of the myriad of other scenes so far. There needs to be something for the player to see, anything at all but a blank screen.
I will have to second another comment when I say to put a Planned: (fetish) (kink) (VN style) under the genre section, since it already looks like there is going to be sandbox elements added, and I among many will just skip the game entirely if that is true, those who like sandboxes will stick around, those who don't will be annoyed to get invested in the story only to have to deal with it being added later. Those planned tags under Genre will help people decide if they want to continue with you, or ignore and move on. As fun as it sounds to have your players/readers guess and be surprised at your story, the hate generated when something someone doesn't want popping up will be great, so it's better to nip it in the bud before people toss hate your way. Another dev didn't put anything in planned, and the hate that got dropped on the poor person was legendary, and it could have been easily avoided with just a bit of forewarning. That same Dev has already been put on ignore lists just because of poor forewarning on content, not because people didn't like the story or writing, but how it all just got dumped on them from out of nowhere.
