The opening with Akari is quite weak. Her son is in coma for about a month and when she wakes up, she barely reacts. “I’m so glad my son’s awake” before she leaves really doesn’t cuts it. No hug, no tears, she only looks down at the MC, not even moving the head. Which makes her glasses look a bit weird. Also, I would expect someone who wears stylish clothes and likes jewellery to wear some, a necklace maybe a ring. Her info box even says straight up mc instead our chosen name. She is also the only one who gets such an info box.
When meeting Miku the first time, the MC thinks she looks happy, but she doesn’t look happy at all.
Episode 1, after the MC run into his sister in the bath. Why is he apologizing to the door. She didn’t see the MC, she didn’t react to indicate if she even noticed him. Which makes the beginning of episode 2 not making sense like this. – Wait, the scene where she turns around is missing in episode 1 and we see it only when the MC masturbates. No wonder it doesn’t make sense.
Don’t let B2 tell us that some people hide their emotions because of insecurities. We should discover that ourselves while playing trough interactions with Miku. Show, don’t tell, is in important writing guideline. Why is the MC already apologizing for being cold to his sister? It’s far to early for that. The apology was not earned. The MC had no chance to discover his missteps and acknowledge them. It also conflicts with that B2 must tell us something simple like, “Just say I missed you too” during our conversation with Maki, when the MC can figure out something vague as with his sister. Yuina says the MC should go back to the classroom for the next class, but there is no other class.
Episode 3. Saeko tells the MC not to call her miss. Yet a few sentences later she wants to be called miss Saeko. Shortly after that the lighting has a problem every time Saeko moves. The Mc talks out loud for B2 to search something. Saeko would have heard that and be confused. Why is Saeko making lunch for Naomi when it’s early in the morning? I do like the detail, that Naomis ear gets even more red, after the MC pulled her pants down. When MC was truly fat before the accident, his best friend Maki should probably point that out somewhere.
The morning at school with Maki in her sports outfit. The MC says he can run for hours without slowing down. His sister said he passed during sports once. Maki should know that. He should not be able to carry her that early after coma. A bit later after that Maki thinks she can’t talk correctly? I can’t remember anything in that regard. During our first meeting with her she was talking non-stop. She notices his erection two separate times. Then she already thinks she can’t hide her feelings anymore? She seems just to have realized she has some feeling for him and it’s just her second appearance in the game.
After that I gave up, maybe I will try the game later again, but at the moment the writing is just too rough. The pacing is off. Stuff don’t makes sense here and there. The visuals are not good enough to make that up for me. (Tho they are not bad) But I must say, the idea is original and could be interesting. The grammar has some problems. I would recommend using Word for that, if you can. It is quite helpful in that regard. Like pointing out that you did not use an upper-case letter at the beginning of a sentence. Be careful using acronyms during dialogue. I don’t think people say btw, that’s more like a writing only thing.
Navigating is a pain. I would rather have a menu with the options for where to go, then finding my way through the school, trying to find my way and the doors I can use. An option to instantly return to the bed would be good. I think it would be better if Namis home would be disabled till the plot demands to go there. The MC doesn’t its location beforehand.
I hope I’m not too discouraging. I have high expectations regarding writing. Good luck with the game.
In general, regarding that neurochip. It must be recently implanted into MC brain, especially if it has some wired connections to other parts. Implants of all sorts have problems with body growth. For example, before we started using natural heart valves, we used artificial ones. These had to be replaced every few years in children. The natural ones can growth with the children and don’t have to be replaced, because the heart outgrew them. That is not to criticize anything. I just wanted to point it out for the case that the time the MC got the chip should ever get important.