- May 5, 2017
- 108
- 101
If there’s anything I disagree with, it’s this. Not to say I won’t be fixing this type of scripting, but I do personally believe that this kinda thing is absolutely true to life. When someone is trying so hard to let you know they like you, and yet you haven’t exactly been able to show that you like them too (which I haven’t really made that possible obviously, which is my own mistake. Though it all takes time and will be fixed) they will eventually see that putting in the effort may not be best for them in the end. Yes, she is doing something that makes you jealous. Intentionally? Not exactly, but it’s happening because the Mc should regret not speaking out. But you speak out, you don’t necessarily get to keep your current fiancé do you? This is how life works unfortunately, not in ever case do you get to have everyone and the whole worlds unaware it’s happening. Jason was treating jenni well compared to what she’s had so far with you, and can in reality, see this as an opportunity to possibly move on from something that isn’t working for her. Yes, scripting of it can very well be changed, but the general idea of this scenario is not unrealistic, as I for one have had it happen to me personally, or I wouldn’t argue with it not making sense. It’s part of our anatomy to move on when things aren’t working in your favor when it comes to chasing someone. Though again, I absolutely agree that the writing could be better, even foreshadowing the possibility of this, making decisions that may prevent her from doing that at the end of it. Thank you for your comment.
I 100% agree with you on the part of not being possible to have both, and neither would that make sense since you havent foreshadowed anything to do with cuckqueaning.
What I was criticizing is that her actions felt completely out of character. While yes, the MC should be surprised and taken aback, the reader should have some sort of clue that she is the kind of girl to do it, even if it is with the reasons you described. That being done with internal monologue, past actions, build up or a flashback is all up to you. I personally think it would have a bigger impact and wouldn't leave a sour taste, if for instance, after introducing jason, she watches MC and GF make out in the pool, realizes all her efforts are worthless and then on the next day moves on as you build up more and more the character of Jason. Having them do it in a timespam of 10 minutes just seems way too sudden. (And even in extraordinaire cases that involve alcohol, you would need to build up the fact that she is under the influence of it.)
Do remember that although the reader is playing the MC, he is not the MC. He is the reader. Same rules apply when the narrator is the MC. If something happens too suddenly and without build up, the reader will either lose track, lose interest or feel betrayed. You dont want non of those to happen to the reader, you want the MC to feel it and reader to feel bad for him. (Ironically, you actually described this pretty well on the dialogue with Jenni)
And dont take any of this in a bad way, take it as constrcutive criticism, because overall the game is great, but I think you will agree that it can be improved, and character development/building is in my opinion what needs some work.