Dev, to add to what the others have said, some recommendations:
1. Add depth to the MC. Why is he unemployed? Maybe he screwed up and failed to protect his last client? Something like that gives you some inspiration for his inner voice, which is now so banal as to not be worth it.
2. Read your dialogues to yourself, out loud. If they don;t sound like real people talk, fix them.
3. Remember that good stories have both an exterior and an interior conflict that mirror each other in some way. Every step on the path to solving the exterior conflict also helps resolve the interior conflict.
4. Figure out what the key decisions for the player are going to be, and lead the story to those decisions. They need to be fun decisions to make in the sense that they are choices between evils, with somewhat predictable outcomes each way that are equally attractive. You don't need to continue down all the paths thus created. In fact, it's better to follow a single path to story's end and then come back and fill in the other paths through to the end.
5. Make sure you keep uppermost in your mind that this story needs to be fun for you to create much, much more than it needs to be fun for me, or any other player, to play. Never follow recommendations from players (including these from me) if you think that they will distance you from the reasons you wanted to make this game in the first place.