Hi, Jashin! We already had a native going over the text. If someone wants to help - we are always open to cooperation! The best way to improve the text - become our patron, so we can hire a good proofreader.
Not native speaker, but some thing i found:
MC: I should get started. Even with the two of us
will, we'll have to work hard to get everything sorted out by evening.
Ellie: Well, we're almost done, but I still need to make the room comfy. That'll take awhile(awhile is a word, but i think in this case "a while should be used"), but afterwards maybe I'll go out with a friend. (
Awhile is an adverb that means "for a while," whereas "while" is a noun meaning "a period of time." Generally, the two-word form "a while" should be used when following a preposition ("I will read for a while"), or with the words
ago or
back ("a while ago/back").
Awhile should be used to modify a verb ("I will wait awhile") and can usually replace any usage of "for a while." )
MC: I was so kind to you, I even bought you
the(a) present, why would you do that?
MC: No, stop it, don't make
be(me?) mad.
MC: I can see your eye bags, morning fatigue, but it seems so insignificant compare(d) to your...
Ellie: Only Eva liked me so much that she was ready to endure
these my(delete 1) limitations and
were(was) trying to keep in touch with me.
MC: It's the first day, so I don't have to go out as early as usual and it doesn't take long to get
to there.
MC: I'm not
massaging massage her front part, I told her to stop with sexual harassment. (I didn't)
MC: Cumfort is the name of
the Laurel's company.
MC: Enough of this nonsense. I know
about you something (something about you), that let's me blackmail you.
MC: I'm sorry, it's just... Wow, it looks great! Pantastic!(Fantastic)
MC: Well, I was told to wait a little while for Scarlett to finish her (something missing), but it's going to be for an hour or so, and I don't have that much time to wait.
Scarlett: I'm sorry for being a little
melancholy (melancholic), but i thought you might be interested in hearing a little more about Chloe.
MC: I talked to one of the coaches there, Scarlett, and she said that she would have no problem giving you a pass so that you could go and play tennis without the need
in(of) me accompanying you.
MC: I don't know
you, she
said(told) me to give you her number (or "said to me")
I can give her drink a bottle (rephrase)
Esther: Some
eductaion (education) games for children,...
Scarlett: Listen, (t)his may sound strange, and it likely will sound that way, but could you be my psychologist?
Scarlett: Don't you think that using my weakness isn't the best way to ("deal with"?) my problem?
MC (should be Ester): You want to ask for something. What can you give me in return?
MC: They're sticking
to into her ass, how can she wear them at all?
Criminal: I didn't ("intervene"?) in the deal, and those who delivered him are already in jail.
Some issues could also be that some choices are not properly remembered. While talking to Eva after sleeping in her tent, depending in the option you chose, she mentions fucking her and extorting her even if you didn't extorted her or if you just kissed her.
Great game by the way. The art is out of this world