VN Ren'Py Divinity [Update 1] [toasterkun]

[garbage.kun]

great style

Thank you very much! I'm really glad people liked the artwork

Because tentacles isnt NTR dimwit.

So I want to get this straight. Its mentioned in the premise of having a sister,

Thanks for clearing that up, I was going to ask why add a sister, specially that you have to protect, then say in the dev notes thats shes untouchable.

I hope I understand your question correctly this time, and I'll try to explain the misunderstanding about the notes saying "no sexual relationship between blood related characters.", and therefore "she is not a love interest because she is your sister"

please note that this is the way i currenly sketch it in my drafts, but the end result really depends on whether I can write it well enough and if the plot point contradicts something else in the future.

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Very good start. Interesting story and characters. Renders look great and I very much enjoyed the writing. I will be waiting for the next update with enthusiasm. Thanks for the game dev!

Thank you very much! I'm really happy every time I found someone who liked this

 

[Wicks99]

Thank you for your praise. i'm really happy that people like those renders.

I sincerely hope you would still find it interesting if/when you check this game a few updates from now

Yeah, while I agree with your opinion on the update schedule, i have to admit that it's a bit of conundrum, where either way, there are people who are going prefer the other way. And that is even without considering other factor (hint : it's difficult for a non native speaker that is not a writer, and doesn't use english regularly not to write in a... boring, template-like, robotic way )

but i really appreciate the suggestion.

thank you !

I'm doing Marketing Comms IRL and the way people get around this is to write your narrative and dialogue in plain simple English. After that, feed them into a AI bot and have it embellish it further. The trick is to state clearly the number of words and what style you want.

However as a rule of thumb do this selectively no more than 30% of the content as too much of it will look fake. For e.g. just using Windows default Copilot (there are more specialized AI models out there)

The basement is dark, smelly and make me scared. Improve above in 20 words visual novel.

becomes

The basement is pitch-black and reeks of mold, making me feel uneasy. Every creak and shadow amplifies the eerie atmosphere.

Like I said, do this selectively. Lots of newbie overdo things and readers can tell when there's too much of it.

 

[garbage.kun]

I'm doing Marketing Comms IRL and the way people get around this is to write your narrative and dialogue in plain simple English. After that, feed them into a AI bot and have it embellish it further. The trick is to state clearly the number of words and what style you want.

However as a rule of thumb do this selectively no more than 30% of the content as too much of it will look fake. For e.g. just using Windows default Copilot (there are more specialized AI models out there)

becomes

Like I said, do this selectively. Lots of newbie overdo things and readers can tell when there's too much of it.

the funny thing is, that is pretty close to how I am doing it currently. as stated in the dev notes, I use a rephrasing tools (prowritingaid in my case) to get their "sensory rephrase", look at all the alternative phrasing that I can use, and from there, I pick the phrase/idioms thats sounds appropriate, refine my sentences, and repeat the process until it sounds acceptable.

the problem (at least in my case) is usually to the sentence to sentence flow. for example, (usually) i need to make sure that there are no "echoes" (several sentences that sound similar in close proximity), or referring to the same object with the exactly same word (he blablba. he blabla--> he blabla. the old man then blabla) , or using the same structure over and over again : blabla, bla as blabla. blabla, bla as blabla.

but yeah, i definitely endorse that idea hahaha

 

[Wicks99]

the funny thing is, that is pretty close to how I am doing it currently. as stated in the dev notes, I use a rephrasing tools (prowritingaid in my case) to get their "sensory rephrase", look at all the alternative phrasing that I can use, and from there, I pick the phrase/idioms thats sounds appropriate, refine my sentences, and repeat the process until it sounds acceptable.

the problem (at least in my case) is usually to the sentence to sentence flow. for example, (usually) i need to make sure that there are no "echoes" (several sentences that sound similar in close proximity), or referring to the same object with the exactly same word (he blablba. he blabla--> he blabla. the old man then blabla) , or using the same structure over and over again : blabla, bla as blabla. blabla, bla as blabla.

but yeah, i definitely endorse that idea hahaha

Yea it's a common problem. That's why you need to specifically tell AI the number of words, otherwise it just churns repetitive garbage.

You can do the same for dialogue as well. Number of words and some descriptors like teenager, old man, loli etc. The experience will set in and you will start to know what to ask AI after a while.

 

[Look-see]

i dont mind dark stories every now and again. but is the MC the guy with the weird skin? are we playing as freddy krueger? if thats the case he may very well qualify for the ugly bastard tag or maybe add to the notes in general. not sure i can enjoy sex scenes with that skin issue going on

 

[garbage.kun]

i dont mind dark stories every now and again. but is the MC the guy with the weird skin? are we playing as freddy krueger? if thats the case he may very well qualify for the ugly bastard tag or maybe add to the notes in general. not sure i can enjoy sex scenes with that skin issue going on

If you are referring to the person with a skull mask, then yes. Well, I guess getting swamped by a horde of cultist who lit themselves in fire will result in skin issue

I'm sorry if this might be not to your taste. I might have missed the ugly bastard tag in the available tag list for F95, but thanks for visiting this thread

 

[Cajun Fox]

Good luck with your game

 

[Look-see]

If you are referring to the person with a skull mask, then yes. Well, I guess getting swamped by a horde of cultist who lit themselves in fire will result in skin issue

I'm sorry if this might be not to your taste. I might have missed the ugly bastard tag in the available tag list for F95, but thanks for visiting this thread

i might give it a shot later. just after a few updates

 

[moonxnw]

No NTR is fine, but hopefully get some exhibitionism and public slut

 

[BlasKyau]

The other guy is just being a dimwitt, because he thinks Tentacles is NTR. It be monster sexual harassment or monster rape depending on how far it goes

Well, I'm not the one who said it, but the fact that it's not NTR doesn't miraculously make me like it. In fact, it's a different fetish from NTR, which I don't like either.

 

[IPsycho]

Now this is something different, to the sister thing, in English sister is used in religion, hospitals, so calling her sister and then binding it to the religious version of the word would get you out of any problems with Patreon. Can't wait to see what happens in update 3

 

[garbage.kun]

I have just read pemoj's very very gracious review of my game, and I'm honestly blown away, and a bit intimidated

Because I know my own limitations as both a writer and artist, and I don't want people to be disappointed by having too high of an expectation both for this update and the next one

But yes, thank you very much, and to answer some of the things in that review:

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again, thank you for the very gracious review.

and to all who tried it but didn't find to your taste, i'm sorry for taking your time, but thank you anyway

 

[pemoj]

Thank you for your response. The negative points in my critique are so slight and unimportant that I don't even consider them negative. Even if the character design is or is not original is very unimportant. What is really important is that they are well done, even if they are ugly as hell or have their... physical problems. Like the MC of this story. And about the "kind of sandbox", if it's slightly confusing it's more because of the novelty of the design than for being really confusing. After the first use it is not confusing at all.

Overall the game is good, very good, and is one of the best new games I've played in years.

It's like barely knowing how to drive, then suddenly winning an F1 race, and people expect even greater things

This sentence reminded me of the current situation of Carlos Sainz Jr. From Ferrari driver to... Williams driver, when he was aspiring to be a Mercedes driver. But Toto Wolff, team principal, prefers a 17 year old kid named Kimi Antonelli who rarely scores in GP2 to the son of a world champion who has won a lot of times the Paris-Dakar Rally. And when he was at Toro Rosso he was only 0.1 below Max Verstappen.... just like Checo Perez compared to Max.

All because one day that Antonelli did a very good test with a Mercedes...

 

[Jas0nTon]

Look nice.

 

[tehmasta]

Because tentacles isnt NTR dimwit.

So I want to get this straight. Its mentioned in the premise of having a sister,

Thanks for clearing that up, I was going to ask why add a sister, specially that you have to protect, then say in the dev notes thats shes untouchable.

lmao i just saw your post from some1 else quoting you. tentacles can be ntr depending how it's done and so can rape, which is the reason i asked. People really getting triggered on asking a question nowadays.
no wonder i had you blocked peace kiddo

 

[millyvanilly84]

That was pretty great, I am invested in the story, even though the sex scenes were quite lackluster, but I greatly appreciate the artistry in this, I am impressed by the technical skill imbued in this HS2 model work and the post processing, well done. I don't particularly enjoy the interactive menu and the clicks it takes, but I can live with it, quite unusual and interesting ,keeps me guessing if there is more to uncover. I don't particularly enjoy being cruel, torturing or harming (even verbally, what can I say I am a softie with digital non existent waifus) but this was less dark that I expected and I enjoyed having some control over the amount of humiliation my girlie will go through. I do have a suggestion though for the Dev, move to another platform like Subscribestar, this content will be very soon struck down, just like it happened with another great game of similar nature, Rise of the Orcs, I can't stand losing all the good gobo and Orc games.

 

[garbage.kun]

I've read boobs_lover_69's review and again, I'm really really grateful for your graciousness in what I actually think are the weak points of this game

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again, as a person whose experiences in writing is in more dry, technical articles, i can's state enough how grateful i am that you find my writing to your liking.

 

[garbage.kun]

Look nice.

thank you very much i am genuinely happy every time i found people who liked this

That was pretty great, I am invested in the story, even though the sex scenes were quite lackluster, but I greatly appreciate the artistry in this, I am impressed by the technical skill imbued in this HS2 model work and the post processing, well done. I don't particularly enjoy the interactive menu and the clicks it takes, but I can live with it, quite unusual and interesting ,keeps me guessing if there is more to uncover. I don't particularly enjoy being cruel, torturing or harming (even verbally, what can I say I am a softie with digital non existent waifus) but this was less dark that I expected and I enjoyed having some control over the amount of humiliation my girlie will go through. I do have a suggestion though for the Dev, move to another platform like Subscribestar, this content will be very soon struck down, just like it happened with another great game of similar nature, Rise of the Orcs, I can't stand losing all the good gobo and Orc games.

thank you very much

yes, i understand completely your thought about the sex scenes, because that's is exactly what i thought about this update

there is actually already some rough sketches and text drafts (which i can't remember if i removed them from this update or not) that gave you another option before the sex scene in the stone altar where (ok, i honestly dont know how the tags will fit into this) illa controls the servant as you ravish the girl.

but writing a sex scene is very time consuming in both animating the scenes and describing it, and I needed to get some plot points across first in order for this update to be releasable.

this is actually the reason for the library, because once its implemented, you could just replay them and try the alternative sex scene

I'm glad you felt that way about having some control over them. I also enjoyed it in other games where we are given similar choices

Thank you for your suggession about subscribestar. Gosh I hate doing the entire registration and review process again though hahaah

Ah, Rise of the Orcs. I still keep it in my harddrive it could use some improvement, but its very unique compared to other games. Yep, we need more goblins although i have to warn you, it will probably take some time to reach any goblin sex in this game because i will need the plot to reach a point where i can introduce a heroine that the player wouldn't mind giving to them 0_0a;;;

well, fellow goblin connoiseur, here's two rough sketches that relates to that (disclaimer, this is some old work and lacking any thorough quality improvement that goes into a final product:

Spoiler: spoiler...no, really this is a spoiler...

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[pemoj]

as a person whose experiences in writing is in more dry, technical articles...

Allow me to make a comment from someone who has never been a professional writer but who for fun has been writing stories for years that have been very well liked by those who read them. To narrate a good scene you have to do previous work: have a clear general story, define the characters, give them personality, tastes, passions, past, family, dreams and goals to achieve, motivations ... In short. Giving the characters life. Then, the scene. It should not be superfluous or filler. It must have a clear and defined purpose, whatever it is. And this is the real key to narrate a good scene: get into it. In the environment that surrounds it, etc. And this is the key to the key: get into the characters of the scene. What they think, what they feel. And if you get that, think and feel like them, write what they say, think, feel, it comes out by itself. At least that's what happens to me when I write. Although I must admit that I've been writing stories for more than 10 years from time to time, and that also influences. At the beginning it was hard for me too, and I used to write a lot of crap. A lot of people forget that a novel, visual or kinetic, is above all that: a novel. You have a story to tell. Tell it. The rest is important, but secondary. And despite your doubts, at the moment I see that what you write accomplishes all this. And you do it quite well.

Oh, I forgot. English is not my native language either, and I write and express my ideas, scenes and stories better in my native language. Then, if I need to, I translate.

I forgot another thing. Those who advise you to open a SubscribeStar account are right. Divinity touches on many of the issues that Patren closes accounts for. I'm afraid that will be the fate of your work.

 

[garbage.kun]

...

Thank you very much for the very detailed suggestions . They really match with what i've observed about why some VN's feels interesting to read, while others are a bit like "why do i need to know that the MC picked up his toothbrush? what is the point ? is the toothbrush that important?"


one thing that i really still need to practice is getting into the head of each character after a long delay (for instance, after a couple of weeks of posing and rendering). but i think it will comes down to experience

just this morning i got up and think "wait, Illa wouldn't bother with saying that... she would just kill the Dog immediately" and, here comes another day of rewrite