Hmm, you know recently I've been in a very enlightening discussion with a close female friend of mine irl who's also a submissive and reads a lot of maledom fanfiction. She doesn't really play games except VNs and/or read erotica fanfics by the dozen, but we kinda accidentally got into a discussion where we shared fetishes, what we like about femdom/maledom respectively and eventually realized that we had a very different definition of femdom. I very much stand on the same grounds as you, where I will only perceive "femdom" as being any sexual act or fetish that is not just done for the woman's pleasure and at her behest, but also does not involve acts that in and of themself would mainly pleasure the male sub or put him in a dominant position. (what you refer to here as bottoming from the top). For her, however, she said that she generally sees it as femdom when in any way the woman is the one in charge of the sexual interaction, even if that interaction is, for example, a blowjob, especially if the woman was the one that tempted him to participate and is using said sexual interaction to make him less in control, on account of the male thinking less clearly due to experiencing pleasure, and to eventually extract concessions out of him or convince him to agree to something she knows he wouldn't have otherwise. This kind of thing apparently happens often with female sub protagonists in some maledom stories, and she is always put off by it in the same vein as I am by Japanese femdom VNs that focus on footjobs/dick pleasuring. (eg, she sees sex or sexual interactions initiated or dictated by the woman as too "femdom" for a true maledom narrative)
She posited this theory that the way she sees it, I have an objectivist fetish-based approach to what I see as femdom, where the main determinant for it is the objective content of the fetish/sexual interaction, whereas she has a more subjective power-dynamics based approach to it, where what matters is who dictates the terms of the sexual interaction/fetish and somewhat "dominates" their partner by getting them to think and/or do what they want. (and this goes both ways, as she actually also regards as maledom stuff like pussy worship by a male sub, which would get the female domme to think less clearly and be more open to his suggestions) She also has this concept that getting pleasured while not giving any yourself can put you in a submissive position, because you will be driven by somewhat instinctive/animalic urges (the need and wish to climax/orgasm) whereas the traditional sub giving that pleasure can be perfectly calm and collected, and therefore drive both the sexual interaction and any conversation happening during it, allowing them to "dominate" the more absent-minded dom/domme. (and therefore she tends to only like scenes where the sub is always obedient and never tries to set the terms of the intercourse)
And while I fundamentally disagree with her on what constitutes maledom and femdom, ultimately I tend to agree with her on this theory that, for some, power dynamics matter more than the actual fetishes/sex acts, and therefore they will have a different definition for both terms, and for others, like us, it would be both the power dynamics AND the objective content of the fetishes and sexual interactions that matter.
Ultimately, all of our fantasies and sexual preferences stem from emotion and instinct, not reason, and if we look at it from that perspective it becomes abundantly clear why the 2 of us dislike dick pleasuring by a "mistress" in Jrpgs or VNs, and why she dislikes female subs that "take charge" during intercourse - both we and her get the same "eww" grossed-out gut reaction that the content we are being offered is not pure femdom/maledom, but a bastardization of it that just doesn't cut it for our purist tastes. She also said that just overall "kinky" people and some switches tend to like that kind of in-between content in her personal experience, (basically people for whom the dominance/submission is not what matters most or what draws them to the content) and that she believes those of us who only enjoy what we see as pure femdom/maledom (whether that is objectively-driven or "power dynamics" driven as in her case) will more often than not be at least somewhat disturbed/unsettled by it, which I think she's right about.
Given that femdom is significantly less common than maledom I very much agree with you that it is paramount for us to clearly define it objectively and not let games/stories that merely contain a few femdom elements be widely regarded as "femdom", as that poses a bit the real danger that fewer people will write "pure femdom" for those of us that enjoy just that, (simply because the slightly femdom-ish games, the lasagna in your analogy, might be more common and confused for it) and I think your definition of it in this post is very well-put, comprehensive and in line with mine, but that exchange made me reconsider a bit whether we can clearly define it in a satisfactory way for all femdom-enthusiasts, (as, you know, plenty of them might not have as much of a rigid and objective view of it as we do) and that's why I decided to share it. Let me know what you think!
And, ain't gonna lie, it was also fun to discover someone who I was friends with because of completely different reasons was just as much into BDSM as I and open to discuss all of these things, even if we're complete opposites in many regards lol - I certainly haven't talked about my favourite f95 games to a female friend irl before, let alone got her to compliment some of them and share her unique perspective on this matter so, you know, fun!