VN Ren'Py Completed Free Pass: Season 1 [v1.22] [After Choices]

[After Choices]

Zoe's a fine name.

Thank You

 

[Exanadae]

Yeah, the writing is definitely...

I'll skip complaints about the general spelling and grammar (which, to be fair, is not good) because the only real advice you can give there is "get better at English, or find an editor who is fluent", and jump into the more foundational, structural stuff.

First, two things the writer does well so far. Except for one case I'll get into later, the characters are well-defined. I know who they are, I can tell them apart, and they all seem to serve some kind of purpose in the story. Also, the scenes all serve a purpose either in moving the story forward or telling us something about the characters.

So the skeleton of the story is all there, where it starts to fall apart is in the execution.

The thing that hit me was the egregious info-dumping. The writer has obviously put work into building their setting and characters, even drawing attention the depth of their research in the game's description, and can not wait to pass that information onto us, the players. We can't just see that the main character is short by, well, looking at her on the screen, we have to be told she is exactly 5'2 and that this is a normal height for women from her country. We can't just see her wearing a dress, we have to be told explicitly that it is Batik, and get a potted history of Batik and its prevalence in different cultures. We can't hear that a character is from Thailand, we have to know that Thailand is a lot like Myanmar (also known as Burma).

It's OK not to tell your readers stuff, if that stuff isn't explicitly relevant to the story. It actually makes your writing stronger if you include details like culturally appropriate clothes and food, or accurate geography, quietly, without dragging the reader out of the story to explain them. If the reader really wants to know what Mote Lone Yay Baw is, they can always google it.

So whenever you're about to impart some information to the reader, ask yourself if there's a reason in the story for the reader to be told this now. If not, maybe they can find out later at a time its relevant. Or maybe they never need to find out at all, it's just a background detail you keep in your head that influences how you tell the story.

One way to combat this is to kill the narrator. Narrators are hard to get right in VNs, and authors really should think twice before allowing them any role more complicated than telling the reader where they are or what the time is. In this game, the narrator feels like another character, specifically the voice of the author, and they're the one character in the story that has no reason to be there. In the middle of a scene they'll tell you a character has beautiful eyes, or let you know something they read on Wikipedia. Which is really awkward because the last thing you want when you're watching porn is some stranger looking over your shoulder pointing things out.

Instead, for each scene decide from which character's point of view the story is being told. This is the only character's thoughts we have access to (don't swap between characters mid-scene, it's hard to do well). Is the exposition you're about to write something a character in the scene would naturally say, or the POV character would be thinking or feeling at this exact moment in the story? If so, go for it. If not, throw it out.

If there's something the reader absolutely has to know right now, and it doesn't fit, find a way to make it fit. Move the scene around until it is something a character would say, or the POV character would be thinking or feeling. That way the information gets delivered in a way that feels organic and part of the story, not a footnote to it.

 

[Eye-switcher]

I see that cheating is not one of the tags, so i guess she stays faithful?( To be clear she has no intentions of doing something he isn't ok with it?)
Is Lesbianism avoidable or forced?

 

[Alley_Cat]

Yeah, the writing is definitely...

I'll skip complaints about the general spelling and grammar (which, to be fair, is not good) because the only real advice you can give there is "get better at English, or find an editor who is fluent", and jump into the more foundational, structural stuff.

First, two things the writer does well so far. Except for one case I'll get into later, the characters are well-defined. I know who they are, I can tell them apart, and they all seem to serve some kind of purpose in the story. Also, the scenes all serve a purpose either in moving the story forward or telling us something about the characters.

So the skeleton of the story is all there, where it starts to fall apart is in the execution.

The thing that hit me was the egregious info-dumping. The writer has obviously put work into building their setting and characters, even drawing attention the depth of their research in the game's description, and can not wait to pass that information onto us, the players. We can't just see that the main character is short by, well, looking at her on the screen, we have to be told she is exactly 5'2 and that this is a normal height for women from her country. We can't just see her wearing a dress, we have to be told explicitly that it is Batik, and get a potted history of Batik and its prevalence in different cultures. We can't hear that a character is from Thailand, we have to know that Thailand is a lot like Myanmar (also known as Burma).

It's OK not to tell your readers stuff, if that stuff isn't explicitly relevant to the story. It actually makes your writing stronger if you include details like culturally appropriate clothes and food, or accurate geography, quietly, without dragging the reader out of the story to explain them. If the reader really wants to know what Mote Lone Yay Baw is, they can always google it.

So whenever you're about to impart some information to the reader, ask yourself if there's a reason in the story for the reader to be told this now. If not, maybe they can find out later at a time its relevant. Or maybe they never need to find out at all, it's just a background detail you keep in your head that influences how you tell the story.

One way to combat this is to kill the narrator. Narrators are hard to get right in VNs, and authors really should think twice before allowing them any role more complicated than telling the reader where they are or what the time is. In this game, the narrator feels like another character, specifically the voice of the author, and they're the one character in the story that has no reason to be there. In the middle of a scene they'll tell you a character has beautiful eyes, or let you know something they read on Wikipedia. Which is really awkward because the last thing you want when you're watching porn is some stranger looking over your shoulder pointing things out.

Instead, for each scene decide from which character's point of view the story is being told. This is the only character's thoughts we have access to (don't swap between characters mid-scene, it's hard to do well). Is the exposition you're about to write something a character in the scene would naturally say, or the POV character would be thinking or feeling at this exact moment in the story? If so, go for it. If not, throw it out.

If there's something the reader absolutely has to know right now, and it doesn't fit, find a way to make it fit. Move the scene around until it is something a character would say, or the POV character would be thinking or feeling. That way the information gets delivered in a way that feels organic and part of the story, not a footnote to it.

"Show, don't tell"?

 

[Uknowme]

Ahhh fml. I really liked the pics but when I saw it's a female protagonist game I was shattered.

 

[Exanadae]

"Show, don't tell"?

In a nutshell, yes.

 

[Alley_Cat]

In a nutshell, yes.

Plus, if someone actually was from Myanmar (is the dev?, I'm curious now), they might find it insulting to be told stuff they grew up with. But for someone like me, that didn't know about batik at all, what I don't understand, I can always look up, or ask many of the helpful and friendly people here.

 

[Deleted member 2613945]

View attachment 1100552

Here is the new character. Her name is Zoe (temporary name).
Any suggestion for better name?

Spoiler

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View attachment 1100554​

2020 was Val's/Valerie's name (most of new characters had this name)
Every game have own Alice, Zoe is nice name
You can also add "y" at end for Zoey

 

[Deleted member 2613945]

i like this game
first game with female protagonist that suits me, really
she's beautiful, smart but what's most important she's not failing on first dick in her sight (maybe she likes pussy more)
lesbian/ bi protagonist is what we needed
thanks

 

[Jhonthedon420]

This is new game?

 

[stahalle]

This is new game?

nah it came out sunday, so i would say its already old

 

[Moonywb]

Plus, if someone actually was from Myanmar (is the dev?, I'm curious now), they might find it insulting to be told stuff they grew up with. But for someone like me, that didn't know about batik at all, what I don't understand, I can always look up, or ask many of the helpful and friendly people here.

Yes, the dev is from Myanmar. And I’ve had a few discussions with them on Patreon. I’m hoping more people will support the game.

English is not their primary language, which shows, and hope they get some help with fixing it. I don’t speak anything other than English, but I’m almost willing to help out with the proof reading / editing.

 

[Pogo123]

still in aww about the girls face, hair and the graphics. but still hope to see her getting more cuves (hips, thighs and tit wise) and would wish to see at least one old guy in this game she can built up a relatioship with * fingers crossed* X)

 

[After Choices]

Watch V0.39 Official Trailer

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Hey guys, meet our new voice actor, Stella and music producer Damien. I take all of your honest feedbacks and keep trying my best to fulfill.
So please keep supporting me on

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Thank You!!!

 

[Gintoky]

nice start

 

[After Choices]

A Curvy Girl with Cute Voice Actor(What you asked for!)​

You asked for Curvy version of Yoon Ni Ko. There you go!!! She starts trying to workout and take supplements to fulfill her fans' likeness. What do you expect more?

​

Stella, Voice Actor for Yoon Ni Ko -

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Keep supporting me on

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and make this game better!!!

​

 

[Deleted member 2613945]

Yoon Ni Ko looks like my friend from college
when i was in college we had student exchange from Korea

i have one question for dev: why you don't add fan sigs (signatures) on f95
more ppl saw signature, more ppl play - someone can become your patron

 

[Cmann]

So I can ignore without any issues?

Yes.
In the future if you get a detection and are unsure about it, upload the triggering file to

You must be registered to see the links

. A few detections are normal, especially with Python-based programs, but if the number climbs above 10 it might be worth reporting first post and include the result link so uploader/staff can take a closer look at it

(A high detection count for Renpy-based games usually just means the game is built in a freshly released beta version of Renpy - Certain AV vendors are very slow on updating false heuristics-based detections unfortunately.)

 

[msleomac]

Yes.
In the future if you get a detection and are unsure about it, upload the triggering file to

You must be registered to see the links

. A few detections are normal, especially with Python-based programs, but if the number climbs above 10 it might be worth reporting first post and include the result link so uploader/staff can take a closer look at it

(A high detection count for Renpy-based games usually just means the game is built in a freshly released beta version of Renpy - Certain AV vendors are very slow on updating false heuristics-based detections unfortunately.)

thanks. that helps

 

[Drill Sergeant]

Hope to see some loving between those two in the future!

Yup definitely down for that.