You're talking to someone who grew up in the fansub anime era and who's best friend is a Newfie. The fan translation would scale to about a 1/10 on the broken English scale to me. Nothing about the fan translation is even remotely incoherent to me. I don't even see how the fan translation is even remotely problematic unless maybe the reader really isn't good with English. Beyond that it being less localized just makes it better, it better preserves the original intent of the wordings.
I played about a week of the official release and thought to myself that it's literally just worse than the fan translation and haven't looked back. So no, I haven't played through it properly but I'd like to think I gave it enough of a chance to have an opinion on it.
I am your clone, but would question you with raised eyebrows. There isn't a night and day differences, both translations are pretty close, and the writing in general is just bad. Not a surprise there for a pron game. But the Kagura version is less stiff and slightly better, imo.
Your supposed history with fansubs is probably what ruined you, as if you weren't just a kid gobbling it all up, you'd know there is a long problematic history with fansubs. Some of the most famous ones that normalized and even popularized certain sayings/quotes were shoddy work at best, while many just took too many creative liberties.
Professional translators did not often waste their time translating not-yet-popular Japanese culture shows for free. The vast majority of them were complete amateurs that, much like shonen MCs, used friendship, passion, and a whole lot of bullshitting to save the day.
I will admit modern day fan translations are typically far better, but it's exactly because of modern tools and a breadth of information sharing from both official and fan resources, as well as the globalization of everything, that makes it much easier for us to not only know what what they were going for, but also unify it across all translations because everyone is pulling from the same wellspring.
So your history means nothing. Having played both, I think both translations are pretty bad which is mostly due to the game's writing rather than the translation work itself, but saying the fan translation is massively better is funny to me, and funnier still given your telling context.