mahem
1)
"ze kijk naar me als een roofdier die op het punt staat haar prooi op te eten?"
okay het is een perfecte exacte vertaling, but do you realy know any dutchman that would say or even think that?
a translation could be ( ze keek me met messcherpe ogen aan)
Your partially right, but tbh the term "messcherpe ogen" is something i wouldn't use in a situation like this, i'm not to happy with the sentence there either but "messcherpe ogen" imho is something used when you keep a close eye on someone to for example make sure they don't do anything wrong, or if someone is extremely mad then they kan use that look as well. It just doesn't do the situation in game any justice imho.
"Ze kijkt me met een wellustige blik aan" or something along the line of that would imho be more fitting as she looks at the mc with the purpose of making him do as she commands.
2)
i the scentenc (ze leunt tegen de wand van de lift aan) aan should be removed as it would mean a double leaning into the wall.
- your absolutely correct on this part,
3)
ik beweeg dichter bij en begin haar te likken? yup again a acurate translation, ( aangtrokken door haar kutje begin ik haar te beffen) likken is rarely used when licking a pussy, mc would only be licking when he would be to shy or afraid to do more than just licking. (in the story however mc is eating her out so it would be beffen.
- actually in the story the mc is hesistant to do what he's told. He's not going down on her as he would be if it was Claire/Ashley or Veronika. It's only somewhat later in the dialogue that he starts enjoying it.
so a) he's not being drawn to her pussy he's being told to and b) he's not eagerly eating her out from the start
I will however check the upcoming language file if this term is being used for the others and if needed change it.
5)
geschokt should be geshockeerd. geshokt doesnt fit his feeling in the story.
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according to these sites the term "geschokt" is a good word to use in most of the situations as it is a synonym for any of the words that are fitting translations as well.
6) I've read over multiple parts of the story in the language file, and i still can't see why it's impossible to follow the story, granted there's things that could've/shoud've said differently but they still are correct even though a normal living person wouldn't think it irl. Then again, a normal person irl wouldn't do the same things the mc is doing (especially if you use an incest patch) and ofcourse irl people have a tendancy to see the look on someone's face and they don't think it at all.
If someone looks at you horny you don't think "Oh he/she looks at me with a horny look in his/her eyes", you most likely think something along the lines like "i've gotta try and fuck him/her" or "i've got to get the hell out of here".
I don't see the issue of an extra "aan" or other minor things that need some change making it impossible to follow the story unless your an extreme grammar-nazi who only focusses on the dialogue and in if that is the case a good book is more your style than a porn game
Lastly i have to admit that there are things in the translation i'm not too extremely happy with but they aren't wrong either, so i've simply decided to let them in until i could think of something that would be better fitting. Imho the most important part was that you could actually follow the story and after playing it over and over again i honestly don't believe anything in the translation is of enough concern that any of the story is hard to follow.